King Xerxes of Persia: “Hand over your arms.”

Leonidas of Sparta: “Come and take them.”

We started with 64 (or 68, depending on whom you ask). Now we have four, the Final Four. Today’s games offered up some excitement and some shaking up of the standings.

Seven Is Lucky Again

For the first 19 years that I did this contest, I almost always quoted one remarkable fact: a number 7 seed had never made the Final Four in the 64-team era. That iron law was broken last year when 7 seed UConn not only advanced to the Final Four, but won the national championship. Now, for the second year in a row, a 7 seed advances to the Final Four. This time it is Tom Izzo’s perennial tournament overachievers, the Michigan State Spartans.  

• Outnumbered – In the famed Battle of Thermopylae, Spartan King Leonidas led some 300 Greek soldiers against an innumerable company of Persians. It wasn’t quite THAT bad in Spartans vs Cardinals today, but when both Michigan State big men, Gavin Schilling and Matt Costello, had fouled out with just over two minutes left in regulation, the Spartans were down to just seven eligible players, none taller than 6-6. They played the final two minutes of regulation and the five-minute overtime period with just those seven guys and yet prevailed.
• Fouls and Free Throws were definitely the big story in this game. You may recall that after Michigan State’s last victory over Oklahoma, I mentioned that poor free throw shooting could be their undoing. In this game they actually shot 75% from the line, better than Louisville’s 69%. However, Marvin Clark missed two free throws with 0:22 left in regulation that would have put them up by 3. Instead, Louisville had the ball and an opportunity to take the last shot for the win. On that final shot attempt, Clark fouled Louisville’s Mangok Mathiang, and again, free throws played a big part. Mathiang’s first free throw was a brick that went in; his second, a miss. It could be said that missed free throws cost both teams a chance to win the game in regulation.
• Ba Ba, Blackshear – I don’t know how much wool he has, but Louisville’s Wayne Blackshear has plenty of skills. His stat line reads 39 minutes, 28 points, 12 for 12 from the line, 3 rebounds, 1 assist, 1 block, 4 fouls, 1 bloody nose, and a partridge in a pear tree. In fact, Blackshear played the final four minutes of regulation and the entire overtime period with 4 fouls. Sadly, I must award the Boneheaded Play of the Day to Blackshear for committing a lane violation on a missed free throw by Michigan State’s Bryn Forbes. With the miss the Spartans were up by 3, but given the second chance, Forbes hit the free throw, making it a two possession game. Michigan State would never trail again.

They Zigged When They Should Have Zagged

Alas, my beloved Zags couldn’t quite get over the hump and into the Final Four today. While showing flashes of brilliance, at times it seemed the stage was a bit too big and the lights a bit too bright for them. Nevertheless, this should be remembered as a terrific season that ended in defeat to a clearly superior Duke team.

• Objects In The Mirror Are Closer Than They Appear, and this game was closer than the final score indicates. Gonzaga actually led by four early in the second half, but the turning point came with 4:51 to play. Down by just two points, big man Przemek Karnowski made another one of his patented no-look passes to Kyle Wiltjer, who was all alone right under the basket. But Wiltjer missed the point-blank bunny shot to tie the game, and Gonzaga would score only one more point the rest of the way.
• Unsung Heroes – In many ways this was a strange game. Rather than a high-scoring affair as we might expect from these two teams, it was more a defensive battle. Gonzaga stars Karnowski and Pangos (who simply could not buy a basket all night) combined for only 8 points. Meanwhile on the Duke side of the court, consensus number one pick in the next NBA draft Jahlil Okafor had a modest 9 points and seemed out of sorts for most of the game. Duke’s role players, Winslow and Matt Jones, came up big instead with 16 points each.
• Defense Wins Championships – In general I found the broadcast crew to be an annoying collection of Duke homers, but one observation they made rang true. Gonzaga had never seen a defense like this before. Rattled early, they responded with great defense of their own, only to wilt again in the final four minutes. I could do the usual complaining about how Duke seems to be favored by the officials in every game they play, but the truth is they are quick, harassing, and have active hands on defense. They forced Gonzaga into 13 turnovers while themselves committing only 2. That’s a winning differential no matter who you play.

Final Four Facts

• By The Numbers – This year’s Final Four is comprised of three #1 seeds and a #7 that looks more like a #3. It reads like a who’s who of college basketball history and success: Kentucky, Wisconsin, Michigan State, and Duke. With the possible exception of Wisconsin, these are the true blue bloods of college basketball.
• Conference Count – It is interesting to note that the Big 10 (or B1G if you prefer, which almost no one does) has two representatives, while the supposedly stronger Big 12 has none.
• Year Of The Rematch? – As I have already noted, Wisconsin v Arizona was a rematch of their regional final meeting last year. Now Wisconsin faces another rematch of last year’s national semifinal with Kentucky. Wouldn’t it just make sense for the national championship game to be a rematch of this year’s Big 10 championship game between Wisconsin and Michigan State? The spiteful part of me hopes it happens just to irritate CBS/Turner by denying them the spectacle of Kentucky playing for the perfect season and the championship.  Anyone believe Wisconsin isn’t better than Notre Dame? It should be interesting.

Round Four Awards

These awards are always some of my favorites in the contest, as it gives us an opportunity to recognize top performers in each region.

• The Mistake By The Lake award, in honor of the city that hosted the Midwest regional, Cleveland, OH, goes to the 10 minions who got 14 out of 15 games correct with original picks: Maggie Booher, Jimmy Dempsey, Patrick O’Bryan, Judy Anderson, Nicole Kelso, Mike White, Alan Thielen, Tom Seely, Abby Hoag, and Alan Switzer. Winners receive a free trip to Cleveland in the dead of winter.
• The Wild, Wild West award goes to Brandon Lane who was a perfect 15-0 in the West regional with original picks.
• The Beast of the East award goes to Mark Myers who was 14-1 in the East regional with original picks. This is quite impressive considering how many upsets there were in this region.
• The Southern Comfort award goes to Jason Roehl, Emma Dean, and Al Davis, each with 14 wins and only 1 loss with original picks in the South regional. Everybody say YEE HAW!
• The That Was Easy award goes to the surprising small army of minions that picked all four Final Four teams correctly with original picks. Apparently it was easy to do this year, as there are 22 of you. I am certain that’s a record. Holly Easton, Ron Walker, Tom Seely, Bob Huppert, Bev Thomas, Jamie Shannon, Chad Wright, Chris Randazzo, John Lederman, France McKone, Jeffery Beard, Philip Randazzo, Shawn Durnell, Tim Curtis, Tom Kline, Terr’e Moss, Bill Riley, John Ruff, Heather DiIulio, Mark Ehly, Mark Pate, and Eric Bates. Winners will receive an easy button from Staples.
• The Major Tom award goes to Tom Kline who finally cracked the top 10 in 10th place. This is much better than the Minor Tom award winner, Tom Gidley, currently in 326th place.
• The Upset Stomach award goes to three minions who collected the most upset bonus points (42) throughout the contest: Dave Barndt, Avery Richardson, and Kip Layman. Now there’s a motley crew if I’ve ever seen one! There are no upset bonus points remaining to be awarded, as the seeding no longer matters in the Final Four.
• The Fear The Beard award goes to 11th place contestant Jeffrey Beard. Bonus points to this minion for sharing both the beard and the name with The Wizard.
• The Bucky Badger award goes to 13th place contestant Rita “Someone beat Kentucky!!” Dieringer. For Rita, that someone would be Wisconsin.
• The Let’s Go With “Stay Home” award goes goes to Elise “Go big or stay home” Darling, currently in 747th and never higher than 616th. Better luck next year, Elise!
• The I’m Innocent! award goes to Chris “It wasn’t me” Jones, who wisely re-picked Michigan State over Louisville from whence his namesake was dismissed and has been rewarded with 19th place in the contest.
• And finally, the 12 Wrongs Still Make A Wright award goes to current contest leader Chad Wright, who is 48-12 over the first 60 games and holds a tenuous 4 point advantage over second place minion, Kenneth Jordan.

Because so many games were won by either favorites or popular picks this year, we have awarded no Scategories bonuses so far. However, there is still one available, the granddaddy of them all, the Ultimate Scategories Bonus, available to those 10 contestants who picked Michigan State to win it all with their original pick. Should this miracle transpire, each of them will receive 96 points and turn the entire contest leader board on its head. In the more likely event that one of the other three teams takes home the trophy, well, the results won’t be quite as drastic, but the final winner is still very much up for grabs.

So take a break, minions, enjoy your week, and I will see you again after the national semifinals.

The Wizard of Whiteland

Contest Home Page

“I think sports makes for good drama because it has all the same ingredients as anything worth reading or listening to or watching. Conflict, desire, heartbreak – it’s all there.” – Jay Baruchel

The good thing about regional championship weekend for The Wizard is there are only two games per day, thus making the evening’s writing assignments a bit more manageable. Of course, that doesn’t guarantee tonight’s diatribe will be any shorter than usual. Brevity is not something I’m known for.

Arizona Dekked by Wisconsin

The Wisconsin Badgers were the first team to earn a trip to Indy with a performance that was as dominant as it was impressive.

• The Rematch – I believe I am correct when I say it has never happened in the 64-team era before.  Wisconsin and Arizona met not only in a rematch from last year’s tournament, but a rematch at the same stage of the tournament, a regional final.  Last year the Badgers prevailed by a single point in overtime.
• The Re-Rematch – As if that weren’t ironic enough, Wisconsin will now face the same team they faced last year in the national semifinal, the Kentucky Wildcats. Talk about lightning striking twice. With Notre Dame’s near upset of mighty Kentucky this evening, many are giving Wisconsin a legitimate shot at spoiling the perfect season.
• More Threes, Please – Wisconsin put on a shooting clinic tonight, especially from long range. Did you know that the Badgers made 10 of 12 three point shots…in the second half?  As Clark Kellogg pointed out in the night’s final post game analysis, Wisconsin made 30 out of 39 shots of ANY type – two point, three point, or free throw – in the second half.  Those numbers are otherworldly.
• Dekk The Halls – Frank “The Tank” Kaminsky led all scorers with 29 points, but Sam Dekker arguably made the critical shots, with 27 points of his own including 5 out of 6 three pointers. I’ll give Sam the Spike Lee award for receiving an on-air endorsement from Reggie Miller for his trash talking skills, too.
• Foul Fest – Wisconsin is a team that doesn’t foul and doesn’t turn the ball over. Did you know that Wisconsin opponents shoot, on average, just eight free throws per game? That statistic makes it all the more astonishing that Arizona went to the line an incredible 30 times and made 28. If it weren’t for free throws, the Wildcats would have suffered a double-digit blowout.

Survive And Advance

it seems that every national champion must survive at least one close call in the six games it must win to take home the title, and tonight’s victory over Notre Dame by the still-undefeated Kentucky Wildcats might just qualify. If you missed this one, well, it was almost the biggest upset since Villanova beat Georgetown in 1985.

• Big Zach Attack! – Notre Dame forward Zach Auguste turned in an, ahem, august performance with 20 points and an incredible 10 for 13 shooting from the floor. Auguste was killing Kentucky all game long, and were it not for foul trouble limiting his minutes, he might have gone for 30.
• Almost Perfect, Almost Famous – The repeated refrain has always been, “To beat Kentucky, you have to play the perfect game.” That’s precisely what the Irish did…almost. Consider this. Notre Dame didn’t commit a turnover for 29 minutes of game time, but committed one with 34 seconds to play with the game tied on a shot clock violation. Monday morning quarterbacks will undoubtedly question why Notre Dame coach Mike Brey used his last timeout to set up the defense rather than saving it in case Kentucky scored, which they did, on two free throws with six seconds left.  Jerian Grant’s desperate three pointer for the win sailed over the rim as time expired.  Ashley Judd survives to dance in the stands for one more game.
• Going to Town – In many ways this game ended up being the battle of the big men, with Kentucky’s Karl-Anthony Towns playing the Ying to Auguste’s Yang.  Towns was one of only TWO Kentucky players in double figures with 25 points, ironically, with precisely the same shooting numbers as Auguste: 10 for 13.
• Chasing History – Kentucky, now 38-0, is just two games shy of doing what has never been done, a 40-0 perfect season with a national championship on top. Tomorrow we find out the other two teams who might be standing in their way.

Random Musings

• Hyphenation Nation – Not that it has anything to do with anything, but I’ve noticed a preponderance of hyphenated names in this year’s tournament field.  Rondae Hollis-Jefferson, Parker Jackson-Cartwright, Willie Cauley-Stein, Karl-and Anthony Towns all played today.
• Band On The Run – And while we’re talking about the utterly irrelevant, who pays the travel expenses for all the pep bands? I mean, do they travel with the team? Are they subject to a 487 page NCAA student-musician handbook? If somebody buys them a pizza, do they lose their trombone scholarship? Just wondering.
• Predictive Crowd Sourcing – I just happened to notice that, as a group, the minions were a pretty good source for tournament predictions.  The top 8 vote getters from you minions for national champion just happened to be exactly this year’s Elite Eight. Pretty crazy, huh?

Quick Awards

• The Octogenarian award and a big happy birthday goes to GGma Dotty Charlson who celebrates another fantastic birthday today and, reportedly, the fact that she is besting her descendants in this year’s contest. Dotty has been as high as 35th and currently sits at a respectable 118. Don’t get smart, kids. That’s her rank, not her age. Grandma Dotty had both games right today, and has Duke and Louisville on a re-pick tomorrow.  Happy birthday, and keep showing those grandkids who’s boss!
• The Never Make It Personal award goes to Sammy “How is Kentucky a 1 Seed” Brauen who briefly held 2nd place after Wisconsin’s win only to drop back to fourth because he had originally picked Maryland to beat Kentucky in the Sweet 16.  He swallowed hard and took UK on a re-pick, but the re-pick penalty cost him a couple of spots.
• The Jabberwocky award, so named because it is what her cool alias reminds me of, goes to Schneckapock, aka Abby Schneckloth, who has crept into 7th place.
• The Glow In The Dark Cat Hat award goes to Paul “let me know how I do” Sopke. Just letting you know, Paul, that it’s not good. 748th, to be exact.
• And the last one for today, the By The Hair of Your Chinny Chin Chin award goes to new first place minion Garrison Cooper who leads Sue Chmura not by score but by virtue of the first tiebreaker.

It looks like things are shaping up for a very close finish in this year’s contest, with the top 10 positions separated by less than 10 points. Tune in tomorrow for the remaining regional finals, and watch for the Regional Roundup in your mailbox afterward.

Until then, stay frosty, minions.

The Wizard of Whiteland

Contest Home Page

“When you reach that elite level, 90 percent is mental and 10 percent is physical. You are competing against yourself. Not against the other athlete.” – Dick Fosbury

The Elite Eight is now complete, and only one game out of eight went to the underdog.  In tonight’s tome we look at big wins, big buildings, and the big Karnowski.

Game Action

• Those Who Zigged Should Have Zagged – I can understand pundits, analysts, and even you minions being skeptical of Gonzaga.  Despite well over a decade of perennial success, the Zags (officially they are the Bulldogs, but who calls them that?) have failed to advance past the Sweet Sixteen since their magical run to the Elite Eight in 1999. This is despite having several highly-regarded teams, including a #1 seed just two years ago.  Tonight’s match up harkens back to a nightmare Gonzaga fans would like to forget, a loss to UCLA in the 2006 tournament in a game that the Zags led by as many as 17 points and never trailed until 10 seconds remaining.  The image of Gonzaga standout Adam Morrison collapsing in a heap of tears at center court is permanently ingrained in my memory.  It was heartbreaking. While tonight does not exactly constitute revenge by any means, these Zags put the hammer down on UCLA from the beginning and never let up.  Gonzaga big man Przemek (pronounced SHEM-ick) Karnowski dominated with 18 points, 9 rebounds, 2 completely awesome assists, and 2 blocked shots for good measure. Now the question becomes if Mark Few’s bunch can finally get over the hump and into the Final Four.  To do so, they will have to get past mighty Duke, and I, for one, believe they have all the necessary components to win that game.  Speaking of Duke…
• Duke Squeaks By The Utes – This was an odd game that felt as though Duke always controlled, and yet they only won by six points.  The other notable oddity about was that this was the game that felt like it might never end.  They even brought a Duke player back on the floor to shoot free throws as the coaches were already shaking hands.  The Utes’ shooting was atrocious, but they shot 60 times! That’s 15 more shots than Duke attempted.  What they lacked in accuracy they made up in moxy.  This game featured tonight’s Boneheaded Play Of The Day award recipient, Duke’s Justise Winslow. After making a three point basket, Justise decided to do the Reggie Miller and play to the crowd, gesturing with three fingers and then commencing with the ubiquitous “feed the beast” mime.  While he was enjoying himself, Utah tossed a full court pass right over his head for an easy almost-dunk on the other end.  Oops.  I know he led all scorers with 21, but something tells me he’s still getting an earful from Coach K for that one.
• It Just Wasn’t In The Cards for NC State to continue their quasi-cinderella run, their bid to make the Elite Eight upended by a Louisville team that, in my estimation, continues to perform a bit beyond expectations.  The most notable stat to me in this game is the fact that only one bench player for Louisville, Anton Gill, had so much as a point.  In fact, Coach Pitino played just seven players, with two starters (Harrell and Rozier) playing the entire game.  To say that this team isn’t that deep is an understatement, and one has to wonder if that will cause them problems if not against Michigan State, definitely against whomever they face in the Final Four should they get there.
• The Best For Last – After seeing the first seven Sweet 16 match ups won by the favorite, only the eighth and final game gave us an upset as the Michigan State Spartans continued to demonstrate the truth of my mantra: Never pick against Tom Izzo in March.  To say Sparty wasn’t on the radar as a Final Four contender at the beginning of this tournament would be mostly accurate, and yet here they are, one game away from doing it again.  In many ways this was a game they won in spite of themselves.  Oklahoma led as late as 7:52 remaining in the game, but the three point shooting of the aptly named Travis TRIce (see what I did there?) and Denzel Valentine kept them in the game and then enabled them to pull away.  I have to say, though, that Sparty’s woeful free throw shooting is sure to doom them at some point. Tonight they shot just 56% from the line, BUT…and this is a really big BUT…they made their last six free throws to win the game.  That means that, up to that point, they were shooting just 30 PERCENT FROM THE FREE THROW LINE.  I would say that doesn’t bode well for their next game, but Louisville is almost as bad, making just 67% of their free throws in tonight’s win themselves.  That game could be played in the 50s if both teams continue to shoot bricks from the line.
• The Rumplestiltskin award for best name in the tournament has to go to Michigan State’s Lourawls “Tum Tum” Nairn Jr.  Why they call him Tum Tum I do not know, but methinks his play had Coach Izzo reaching for the Tums tonight.  He reportedly had been battling illness all week and wasn’t himself, and let’s hope that’s true, because for the majority of the 11 minutes he was on the floor tonight, he was a liability.  One shot (missed), one assist, one turnover, and one foul.
• Here’s one from Captain Obvious: Football stadiums are made for football.  I have been to both a Final Four and a regional at our own Lucas Oil stadium here in Indy, and while I enjoyed both, there is simply something about the lighting and sight lines that in my humble and not so expert opinion lead to both a poor viewing and a poor shooting experience for a basketball game.  The games in the Carrier Dome tonight looked like basketball games.  The games in the mammoth NRG Stadium in Houston looked strangely out of place.  I don’t know.  Your mileage may vary.
• I Stand Corrected – In a previous commentary i bemoaned the worst camera angle employed in the tournament being the view from behind the basket at the opposite end of the court.  I was wrong.  Tonight we were treated to what can best be described as the Rabbit Cam, a view from a mobile camera at floor level – and by floor level I mean cheek-to-the-floor looking up at the players level.  I don’t know about you, but I’ve never been watching a basketball game and wondered, “What would it be like if I were Lilly Bunny Foo Foo running down the basketball court?” Look, not every new camera angle is bad.  I dig the above-the-hoop cam for replays of dunks, free throws, and rebounds.  It gives a perspective that is actually both entertaining and informative.  The bunny foo foo cam, well, not so much.
• Quick Question – What’s the purpose of slapping the floor on defense?  Is this a stretching exercise?  Is it meant to instill fear in the opponent who’s dribbling the ball up?  Is it simply that it makes a cool sound?  Perhaps it is some sort of ritual intended to generate feelings of strength and camaraderie among teammates, like “Shark Bait, Ooh Ha Ha!”  If you have an idea, send it my way.

More Commercial Madness

• That’s What THEY Said – Does anyone “get” the Century 21 commercial with the young adult man playing video games in his parents’ basement and reciting a list of things that “they said”?  Somehow all of the things “they said” lead up to his seeking the help of a Century 21 agent to purchase his own home and move out of mom’s basement.  This ad is bizarre, we said.
• What Exactly IS Wedding Season, Anyway?  Southwest returns a fresh take on the dancing bridesmaid ads they aired last year.  While these are moderately amusing, one has to wonder; what real person has so many friends who get married in a single year?  And why do they live all over the country?  Or, are we to assume this chick is just a wedding crasher taking advantage of all those Southwest frequent flyer miles?
• The Too Much Information award has to go to Fruit of the Loom for their spot promoting their (new?) no-ride-up boxer briefs.  In this one, three dudes wear transparent plastic pants and dance about to their favorite jam.  This is to demonstrate that their boxers don’t ride up even with vigorous activity, I assume. Even if it’s true, that’s just TMI, man.

Elite Eight Awards

Now let us recognize the worthy at this Elite Eight stage of the contest.

• The Crazy Eights award goes to six surprisingly prescient minions who picked all eight of the Elite Eight correctly with original picks; Tony Mungovan, Don Miller, Holly Easton, Chris Johnson, Jeff McLinn, and Jeffrey Beard.  Perhaps it was because 7 of the 8 games were won by the favorites that made it so “easy” to go 8 for 8 this year.  If you include re-picks, a whopping 110 minions got all 8 games right!
• The Happy Belated Birthday award goes to Justin Dailey who said yesterday that all he wanted for his birthday was an award in the contest.  Now listen, folks, the Wizard doesn’t just hand out awards like candy or youth soccer trophies.  They have to be earned.  Fortunately for Justin, he has earned this special recognition by climbing all the way to 16th place.  Blow out your candles, Justin, if you can find a cake big enough.
• The Invisible Man award goes to my best little buddy, Graham “you can’t see me” Little who is hiding at the bottom of the standings in 740th place.  I love you, bubba, no matter how you pick ’em.
• The Wishful Thinking award goes to the 26 minions who picked West Virginia to beat Kentucky.  Use the Contestant Search Tools link to see who they are.
• The Rising Star award goes to Tom Seely who has risen nearly 600 spots in the standings from a low of 681 to his current spot of 86th.
• The Look Out Below award goes to Lizzy Randall whose dizzying drop from a high of 8th at one time all the way down to 728th will make your head spin.
• The Who Needs A System When Guessing Will Do? award goes to Janet “wild guess” Schweizer, currently in 12th place.
• The When At First You Don’t Succeed award goes to the minions who made the best use of the re-picks, Karis Wynn and Luke Richardson, each winning 6 games by virtue of their re-picks.
• The It Must Be The Name award goes to Heather Little and Heather DiIulio who seem to be marching in lock step with each passing game and are currently tied for 61st.
• The Enjoy It While It Lasts award goes to continued contest leader Sue “no clue” Chmura.  Sue is finally showing some chinks in the armor, though, as she had Oklahoma in the Final Four.  This may open the door for someone to usurp her position at the top of the leader board.  It is worth noting that Sue has never been lower than 12th!

Ok, minions, two games today and two games tomorrow, and then we will have our Final Four.  Best wishes to all of you as we enter the final stretch.  The way the games have gone this year with so few upsets, the scores in the contest are close, and a very large number of contestants still can win all 7 remaining games.  That means it’s still wide open, and that’s the way I like that.

Time for a 12-hour break.  Until next time.

The Wizard of Whiteland

Contest Home Page

“I fear all we have done is to awaken a sleeping giant and fill him with a terrible resolve.” – Isoroku Yamamoto

It was all chalk in tonight’s first half of the Elite Eight as all four favorites came away victorious, though it wasn’t easy in the West.

From The Sports Desk

• Maybe he misspoke.  West Virginia’s Daxter Miles boldly proclaimed that after tonight’s game Kentucky would be 36-1.  Perhaps he was actually referring to what he thought the first half score would be.  I understand confidence and all of that, but this game was six different kinds of agony.  At one point Kentucky had TRIPLED West Virginia’s score, 33-11.  3 x WVU = UK is not a formula for an upset.  So maybe Daxter would have been better off to let the nice giant sleep.  And just to demonstrate how truly lopsided this victory was, in the traditional end-of-blowout-game line change, Coach Calipari put in Donnie Osmond, Danny Partridge, and Bobby Brady, just to make the point.
• No one should be Shocked by this one.  Listen, name any other team in the history of the NCAA who could beat Duke twice, North Carolina twice, win the ACC, and STILL be on upset alert against a lower seeded but admittedly talented mid-major. Notre Dame has to be the Rodney Dangerfield of college basketball, and perhaps that’s deserved, but this squad is a real contender.  They were done a disservice by the committee by being stuck in the same bracket with Kentucky, as they would be a legitimate Final Four contender in any other region. Some folks give them a chance against The Wildcats, and I suppose there is always a chance, but there will have to be an awful lot of the luck of the Irish for them to win on Saturday.
• Badgered but unbeaten – In a game that was rather un-Wisconsin like, Wisconsin survived a relatively high scoring affair in which they committed an uncharacteristic 18 fouls and 5 turnovers and shot just 46% from the floor.  Those are good numbers for other teams, but not for the Badgers.  North Carolina played terrific defense and led most of the way until they got stuck on 60, at which point Wisconsin finally started hitting some shots, and none too soon.  The Badgers won in a game much closer than the final score suggests.
• The OTHER Wildcats – In perhaps the most surprising and entertaining game of the evening, Xavier gave Arizona all they could handle with their befuddling 1-3-1 match up zone.  Led by beefy center Matt Stainbrook, whom clever minion Brad Schafer dubbed “The Wookie,” Xavier led for three quarters of this game due to strong defense, excellent shooting, and the apparent lethargy and confusion of the Wildcats.  It appeared that maybe Arizona was going to let the Wookie win, but thanks to the all-but-extinct midrange jumper, which honestly saved the game for Arizona, and three quick fouls on the Wookie, Arizona managed to pull away in the final four minutes.

From The Irritation File

• Three words I never want to hear again on a sports broadcast at any level: Indisputable Video Evidence.  It’s a game, not a trial by jury.  It’s in the NFL, the NBA, college football, college basketball, you name it.  We have all of these stoppages of play where the network shows us the super slow motion replay from the same 3 angles 20 times, and the announcers do their best to provide the dramatic build up to the big announcement from the deliberating officials, all the while punctuating every sentence with the stern reminder that there must be “Indisputable Video Evidence” to overturn the call, as if that somehow should convince us that it really does take multiple officials five minutes to come to the obvious conclusion the rest of us arrived at in about 20 seconds.  And as if that weren’t bad enough, in college basketball such theatrics are only allowed in the final two minutes, which with the ridiculously late tip time of 10:24 EDT, happens at around 12:35 AM.
• This year’s Bad Idea award has to go to the Worst Seat In The House Cam, which is what I have dubbed the camera angle from the opposite end of the court behind the basket.  There’s a reason those tickets are cheap.  I can understand a brief cut to that camera for variety or using it on an instant reply, but more than once we’ve been treated to an entire offensive possession from that camera angle.  And yes, it is just as difficult to determine what happened on television as it is in person from that vantage point.
• What Did They Say?  A few months ago I succumbed to the reality of life in my 40s by getting glasses so that I can actually see what I am typing right now.  Apparently, I should now go get fitted for hearing aids, because I just don’t seem to be hearing things right.  Exhibit A: North Carolina has a player named Tokoto, which I believe is properly pronounced TOE-keh-toe.  However, I promise that every other time one of the announcers said it, it sounded like TOE-keh-no.  Now that’s not exactly a conventional name, and so I’m really not trying to nit-pick, but which is it?  Maybe they were actually saying Poconos, which I hear are really nice this time of year.  On the other hand, I am certain that I heard Reggie Miller say EKS-zay-vee-er at least once.  That drives me batty.  But at least the IUPUI Jaguars didn’t make the field this year.  If they had, someone would have undoubtedly called them the JAG-WIRES at least once, sending me into an Incredible Hulk moment where things get smashed.  Repeat after me, minions.  There is no “I” in Jaguar.

From the Social Network

And speaking of misheard mispronunciations, I tweaked the great Clark Kellogg a little bit on Twitter after being certain he mispronounced Wichita State star Fred VanVleet’s surname as VanFleet.  I heard it more than once.  Surprisingly, this got his attention, as he actually responded!

This got my brother, Josh Marshall’s attention.  Apparently overjoyed at my 15 seconds of Twitter fame, he texted me:

Hey, if the man says he said VanVleet, then that’s what he said, but it sure sounded like VanFleet to me. Maybe this is like that whole what-color-is-this-dress thing that drove everyone bonkers.

A Few Awards

I saw some amusing alias updates this week that are noteworthy.

• The Most Disturbing Pun award goes to Shelby “Ann Thrax” Risner.  Remind me never to get on YOUR bad side.
• The Is That Your Final Answer award goes to Robert “This time I really mean it!” Tipton, no doubt referring to the re-picks.
• The It’s Not Actually Such a Big Mystery award goes to Dylan “Always ends up ranked 500 or below” Scheumann.  It’s all in the picks, man.
• The Or Else! award goes to Peyton “Notre Dame better win” Renier.  This leaves me wondering what the consequences are if they don’t win.

And now for a couple of standings-related awards.

• The Asleep At The Wheel award goes to former second place minion Jeff “JTTDMD” Taylor who did not take advantage of the re-picks and thus still had VCU in the Elite Eight in the spot now occupied by Arizona.  This along with his pick of West Virginia over Kentucky caused him to drop six spots.
• The What’s Wrong With This Picture award goes to 15th place minion and Kentucky fan Brandon Lane, who has lost only 9 games so far, won all four games tonight, has the best winning percentage in the contest, and yet isn’t even in the top 10.
• The How Do You Like It Now? award goes to Lowell “I Don’t Like Being Tied for 666th” Holchhalter who is no longer tied for 666th but instead is the sole possessor of 726th.  Not an improvement, but at least his ranking is no longer the number of the beast.  That honor goes to…
• Kit “Let’s Go Baby” Meyer, who receives the Really, It’s Just A Number award.
• The Billboard Hot 100 award goes to Adam Detamore, currently in 100th place.  Adam will receive a collection of Billboard’s truly awful top “hits” that he will never listen to.
• The Seventh Day award goes to 7th place minion David “mrmm” Moritz.  David gets a day of rest.
• Finally, the The Rest of Us Should Be So Clueless award goes to continued contest front-runner Sue “no clue” Chmura who continues in first place with a solid 105 score.  Can anyone catch Sue?  We’ll find out tomorrow as the games with the better upset potential in the East region are played.  There’s a good chance for some minions to get a significant boost from those games.

That’s all for tonight, minions.  Check back after Friday’s games for the Elite Eight Extravaganza.

The Wizard of Whiteland

Contest Home Page

Now you can call me lucky,’cause Lucky’s my name.

Singin’ and dancin’, that’s my game.

I never did a whole day’s work in my life,

Still everything seems to turn out right… – School House Rock, “Lucky Seven Sampson”

With the weekend’s last cup of coffee close at hand, I offer you loyal minions the final commentary from the first week of this year’s March Madness.

Sooners and Shockers and Spartans, Oh My!

Today’s thrilling victories were brought to you by the letter ‘S’, as it seems only fitting that every team whose moniker begins with ‘S’ advanced to the Sweet Sixteen.

• This…Is…Spartaaaaaaaa – If I’ve said it once, I’ve send it 20 times.  Never bet against Tom Izzo in March.  Sparty did it again today, handing the ACC its first defeat and sending the tournament’s first #2 seed, Virginia, home early.  This defeat must have been particularly galling for the Cavaliers, as it is the second year in a row they have been eliminated by the Spartans.  The path to the Final Four for Michigan State just became a lot clearer, as now both #1 Villanova and #2 Virginia are out in their region.
• D Is For Domination – Duke. Okafor.  Sweet 16.  Next topic.
• I Have A Feeling We Aren’t In Kansas Anymore – Two teams from the state of Kansas who haven’t played one another since 1993 squared off for bragging rights in the day’s second #2 vs #7 matchup, and the Wichita State Shockers demonstrated why Kansas refuses to schedule them.  You may recall the Shockers entered last year’s tournament undefeated and with high hopes only to have them dashed in the second round by a ridiculously under-seeded Kentucky team that ultimately played for the national championship.  No doubt that makes this victory over Kansas even sweeter, and Jayhawk fans have got to be asking themselves what is going on in Lawrence.  Since losing to Kentucky in the 2012 national championship game, Kansas has received a #1 and two #2 seeds in the last three tournaments but has made the Sweet 16 only once out of the three.
• Sooners Ground Flyers – Columbus is only 72 miles from Dayton, but that wasn’t enough to propel the Flyers to another improbable Cinderella run.  Having played in the First Four on Tuesday, this was Dayton’s sixth game in 10 days going back to their conference tournament.  Add to that the ridiculous 11 PM tipoff versus Providence on Friday night, and one has to think these fly boys might have simply run out of gas.
• Winless In Seattle – I doubt Seattle will be a vacation destination for Iowans any time soon, as both teams from the Hawkeye state were eliminated in consecutive games in Key Arena today.  The Gonzaga Bulldogs played like a team with something to prove, pounding the Iowa Hawkeyes in an offensive clinic.  It has been reported that Gonzaga coach Mark Few bristled when questioned if his past teams’ lack of success in the tournament tarnished their accomplishments.  Let me assure you, these Zags are NOT those Zags.  They are deep, balanced, disciplined, focused, and deadly efficient on offense.  A potential matchup with Duke in the regional final should be highly entertaining.  In the second game in Seattle, trendy Final Four sleeper pick Northern Iowa lost in a slugfest with Louisville in a highly physical affair.  Louisville’s path to the Final Four, like Michigan State’s, is now potentially easier, but these Cardinals tend to have long scoring droughts, and I’m not sure they can afford that against the likes of NC State or Michigan State.
• Hipsters Vs Hoopsters – You know those video games where you can play a fantasy team from years gone by against some modern team?  The Madden games offer that, for example.  That’s what came to mind when I flipped over to the game between Wisconsin and Oregon.  There are the Ducks fully adorned in hip West Coast regalia including neon green shoes and jerseys watermarked with mighty Oregon pines.  And then there are the Badgers in what can best be described as throwback uniforms from the 50s, plain white with big block red numbers and not much else.  Add in the crew cuts and granny shot free throws and you’ve got a team straight out of Hoosiers.  Fortunately for the Badgers, it’s a basketball game, not a fashion show, and Bo Ryan’s bunch handed the Pac 12 it’s first loss to advance to the Sweet 16.
• Bring Out The Cannons – Finally, there was this fight between Maryland and West Virginia in which a basketball game briefly broke out.  Now, I observed that one of the Terrapins is named Cekovsky, which when pronounced, sounds an awful lot like Tchaikovsky.  How appropriate.  The 1812 Overture would have been the perfect soundtrack for the carnage.  How rough was it?  Maryland star Melo Trimble left the game with a concussion after being kicked in the head…by his own teammate.  One thing is certain.  Bob Huggins has definitely brought his unique brand of basketbrawl from Cincinnati to West Virginia, and some say that’s just what the doctor ordered to upset Kentucky.  I don’t know if I believe that, but they’ll certainly go down swinging…literally.

Sunday Quotables

• “This is a butt whoopin’.” – My 12-year-old daughter, Ashlyn, after returning home from her middle school church small group meeting and seeing Gonzaga up by 20.  She followed that up with another gem a short time later.  As the game ended, a despondent Iowa fan was shown crying on camera.  Ashlyn quipped, “She should have cried at halftime.”  That’s cold, Asho.  Ice cold.
• “Maryland has more turnovers than a pastry shop.” – Posted to Facebook by alert minion Jason Roehl, no doubt in response to Maryland’s whopping 21 turnovers.

Sweet 16 By The Numbers

• Lucky Number 7 – It was a good day to be a #7.  They went 2-1 against #2 seeds.  Gonzaga is the only #2 to advance today.
• Double Your Digits, Double Your Trouble – Only one double-digit seed remains in the Sweet 16, #11 UCLA.
• Conference Watch – The ACC is 11-1 so far.  The Pac 12 is 7-1.  The Big 12 and Big East are 5-5.  Here’s the representation by conference of this year’s Sweet 16.  ACC: 5; Pac 12: 3; Big 12: 2; B1G: 2; SEC, MVC, WCC, Big East: 1 each.
• Scategoria – There will be a lot of Scategories bonuses available in the next round if certain underdogs can pull off the upset.  Perhaps the best opportunity is NC State who faces an in-conference rival in Louisville with which they are very familiar.  Wichita State certainly has a chance against Notre Dame.  The others are long shots, but, hey, it’s March!  Anything can happen.

Round Two Awards

And now it’s time to hand out the hardware for round two.

• The I’m Not Superstitious award goes to five contestants who picked 13 of the Sweet Sixteen correctly: Nicole Kelso, Jonathan Hand, Jeff Taylor, Abby Jackson, and your humble Wizard.  No one did better than 13.
• The Einstein’s Bagel Of The Week award goes to two minions who managed to get all sixteen games WRONG: Daniel Labbato and Isaiah Geistwhite.  If you ask me, that’s quite an accomplishment.  You guys want cream cheese with your bagels?
• No one picked all five second round upsets, but a few minions did get 4 out of 5.  They get the 80/20 Rule award: Jeff Taylor, John Wilcox, Abby Schneckloth, Nicole Kelso, Remmy Davidson, Emma Dean, Jonathan Hand, and, again, yours truly.
• The Stop Tooting Your Own Horn award goes to me again for pointing out that I have managed to claw my way from 606th to 37th over the last two days.  Never underestimate the Wizard.
• The What Can Brauen Do For You? award goes to 10th place contestant Sammy “How is Kentucky a 1 Seed” Brauen.  Hopefully I’ve given you enough context clues to help you pronounce Brauen properly.  Sam gets an authentic UPS driver’s uniform with his name embroidered on the shirt.
• The Run Him Out of Town on a Roehl award goes to Jason “Barles Charkley” Roehl, who has impressively climbed to 4th place.
• The Don’t Tug On My Cape award goes to Al “Superman” Davis, currently in 16th place.
• The Why Can’t We Be Friends? award goes to 19th place minion Jim “The Reverend” Jones and Thomas “Not Drinking the Big Blue Nation KoolAid” Vessely, currently tied for 376th.  Maybe Tom should just drink the Kool Aid.
• The Cheer Up award goes to Amber “March Sadness” Little.  Why be sad?  You’re in the top 50!
• The Just Because You Begged Me For An Award award goes to 118th place minion Nathan “Please Oh Please Give Me An Award” Haffner.  The Wizard is most gracious and kind.
• The You Can Say That Again award goes to Doug “Repicks can’t fix this disaster” Goodwin, who is currently in 750th place.
• The Colorblind award goes to 748th place contestant Liana “I pick by color except for Kentucky” Wilson.
• The Can You Say Gonzaga? award goes to Jenny Ott, currently tied for 631st.  That’s an inside joke.
• And finally, the Leader Of The Pack award goes to our leader after 48 games completed, Sue “no clue” Chmura.  Sue will receive an authentic Green Bay Packers Mark Chmura #89 jersey.

(Disclaimer: Nobody actually receives anything.  You know that, right?  If I actually had all of that stuff, I wouldn’t be giving it away.  I’d be on Pawn Stars or something.)

Re-pick Round Has Begun!

Before I sign off, let me remind you that the re-pick round has now begun.  This is a very important element of Jeff’s March Madness Contest, and one that you do not want to ignore.  What’s the re-pick round?  I am glad you asked!  Everything you need to know to make your re-picks can be found on the website here.  Of course, if you are having issues, feel free to email me.  I introduced the re-picks several years ago to keep people interested and to give those near the bottom new hope.  I can tell you for sure that people have LOST the contest in years past simply because they didn’t take advantage of the re-picks.  It’s kind of like those Rob Lowe Direct TV commercials.  Don’t be like THIS me and ignore the re-picks.  Get your re-picks in before the deadline Thursday at 7:00 PM EDT.

And with that, it’s time for me to take an 89 hour break from the madness.  If you have issues with your password or your re-picks, let me know.  Otherwise, I will see you again Thursday night.

Back behind the curtain I go,

The Wizard of Whiteland

Contest Home Page

“There are only two kinds of people in the world, the Irish and those who wish they were.” – Irish Proverb

One small upset, one shocking upset, and a thrilling night cap make up the trifecta of triumph for March Madness day three.

Game Notes

• Who Said We Don’t Belong? Just about everyone did, but UCLA tried to silence their detractors by thumping upstart UAB in the battle of the acronyms.  I’m still not sold on the notion that UCLA’s Sweet 16 appearance proves anything about the team or justifies the selection committee’s decision.  They got past SMU on a technicality at best and a boneheaded bailout by their opponent at worst, and UAB isn’t exactly a national powerhouse, their victory over Iowa State notwithstanding.  Still, I CAN find something to celebrate about these Bruins.  I’ll give the Mr. Nice Guy award to UCLA’s Tony Parker who closed his post game interview with reporter Allie LaForce with the compliment, “Nice bracelet, by the way.”
• 2 down 4 to go – In the I-75 showdown, Kentucky may have failed to impress, but they got the win over Cincinnati in front of a partisan crowd at the Yum! Center in Louisville, KY.  This game was competitive for a while, but I’m sorry.  It’s going to take a lot more than Cincinnati to topple Kentucky.
• Make That Two Wildcats, Please – Like their Kentucky counterparts, the Arizona Wildcats made easy work of their opponents in the second half, also an Ohio squad, the Ohio State Buckeyes.  It turns out that the moniker, Wildcats, isn’t the only thing Kentucky and Arizona have in common.  They also sport star players with hyphenated last names: Willy Cauley-Stein and Rondae Hollis-Jefferson. I don’t know if the hyphen improves their play, but it certainly makes for a more difficult jersey fitting.
• X Marks The Spot where Georgia State’s Cinderella run comes to an end as Xavier held off their every comeback attempt to advance to the Sweet 16.  The story of this game was Georgia State coach Ron Hunter, who, you will recall, tore his Achilles tendon celebrating his team’s conference championship that sent them to the big dance in the first place.  Because he was forced to wear an open-toed cast on his injured leg, his wife forced him to get a pedicure.  As if that wasn’t humiliating enough, the broadcast crew did a close up of his toes.  Now, my wife is a pedicure fanatic, and so I’ve seen my share, and Ron definitely received the full package.  I can just hear it, now.  “Ronnie, those toes are atrocious!  You either get a pedicure, or I’m not going to be seen with you at the arena!”  “You want me to get a WHAT?!”
• Villa no va in Spanish means Villa does not go, and Villanova is definitely not going to the Sweet 16 or Final Four or National Championship or any place else many sports analysts and minions had them going.  In what is undoubtedly the most shocking upset of the tournament so far, NC State dismissed the first #1 seed with vicious inside play and strong rebounding.  Usually I say, “Make your free throws, win the game,” but this game ran counter to that conventional wisdom.  Villanova was 21-23 from the line for 91%, while NC State was just 20-27 for 74%.  Ultimately, NC State just outworked Villanova, forcing them in to bad shots and grabbing 13 more rebounds.  The only reason the game was close was Villanova’s Darrun Hilliard catching fire and burying 3 of 4 three-pointers in the last 1:29.  Anyway, this game definitely gets the Who’s On First award for rosters full of names that are just plain fun to say: Abdul-Malik Abu, Cat Barber, Beejay Anya, Dee Lee, Daniel Ochefu, and Ryan Arcidiacono.
• The other Coach K, Utah’s Larry Krystkowiak did his part to move the Utes back toward their former glory they enjoyed under the late Rick Majerus.  Utah gave us the day’s second upset, albeit a mild one, by beating Georgetown and their hulking, NFL left tackle candidate, Josh Smith.  At 6’10” and 350 pounds, he is a man among men out there.  Ironically, it was Utah’s diminutive guard Brandon Taylor (5’10”, 170 pounds) and his near 50% shooting that largely carried them to victory.
• First One To 90 Wins – Ok, they didn’t quite make it to 90, but UNC won a track meet with Arkansas that was entertaining until the parade to the free throw line started.  The big story from this game is the injury to UNC star forward Kennedy Meeks.  It remains to be seen if the injury is serious and if Meeks will be available for the Sweet 16.
• In 49 States, It’s Just Basketball, but this is “The Indiana” as Samuel L. Jackson would say.  In what was by far the best game of the day fittingly saved for last, Notre Dame lived up to the “Fighting” part of the Fighting Irish by outlasting Butler in an excellent display of all that is good (or at least used to be) about basketball in Indiana.  Butler is a team, as I tweeted earlier, whose whole is definitely greater than the sum of the parts.  There just isn’t much to impress a person about this Butler team, and yet they continue to be one of the toughest outs in the tournament from year to year.  If you didn’t watch this game, you missed a thriller.  Neither team scored for the final 2:56 of regulation.  Notre Dame’s Zach Auguste gets the Boneheaded Play Of The Day award for double dribbling after securing the rebound on Roosevelt Jones’ missed shot with just seconds remaining.  This gave Butler one more chance with 2 seconds left, but Notre Dame’s Pat Connaughton sent Kellen Dunham’s 3 pointer for the win into the cheerleaders.  Connaughton ended up being the difference maker in overtime, hitting his first and only 3 pointer of the game (he was 0-5 up to that point) to put Notre Dame in the lead for good.  I like this Notre Dame team.  Many have suggested they have what it takes to beat Kentucky, and with a little luck of the Irish, they just might.
• Conference Watch – It wasn’t a good day for the Big East who went 1-3.  Meanwhile, the ACC and Pac 12 remain undefeated.

 Burning Questions

This section of tonight’s commentary is devoted to those things that make you go, “hmmmm.”

• Can anyone tell Kentucky’s Harrison twins apart without looking at their numbers?
• Does anyone sweat more than Ohio State Coach Thad Matta?  I mean, the guy is just dripping from the time he gets off the bus.  That has to be an uncomfortable experience for the female sideline reporters who have to stand so close to him in post game interviews.  Can you say, “Ew?”
• Is there anything in basketball that constitutes a travel anymore?  I mean, seriously, I know I’ve beaten this horse to death, but this whole “tote-the-football” move is an obvious violation.  Somebody needs to throw a flag on the play.
• Has anyone else noticed that the floor designs in all of the arenas are essentially the same?
• Does all that spandex players wear these days really help?  Shooting sleeves, compression shorts, compression tights, lower leg sleeves, compression tights with knee pads, Under Armor, body armor, C’MON MAN!  A typical March Madness game has more spandex on the court than a Comic-Con convention.  Is all that gear really necessary?  Are we playing basketball or fighting super villains?
• Alert minion Troy Breidenbach asked this burning question: “Are the boxing bells at every stoppage of play new this year?”  I don’t know, Troy, but I noticed them, too.  I haven’t noticed them at every game, though, and I don’t know if they are being played in the arena or if they are only on the TV feed.  Perhaps someone is trying to make a statement about the physical level of play.
• Another inquisitive minion, Braden Murray, asked this burning question: “How many tacky fouls can they call in this Georgia State vs. Xavier game?”  I can tell you that they called 39 fouls total. Not sure how many of them qualified as tacky.
• Perhaps my perception is off, but I believe I’ve watched more than one game this year where the announcers declare that player so-and-so received an “inadvertent poke in the eye.”  This raises a burning question in my mind.  Has there ever been an advertent poke in the eye?  “Number 24 just got a flagrant 2 for going all Three Stooges on opposing center Joe Blow.  He just said, ‘Nyuk, nyuk, nyuk,’ and then poked him right in the eye!  There’s just no place for that in basketball, Vern!”

Day 3 Awards

It’s late.  I’m tired.  Church in the morning.  Awards will be brief tonight.  No complaining.

• The Stuck In The Slow Lane award goes to Jordan Lane, who is exactly 722 places behind his 10th place brother, Brandon Lane who gets the Life In The Fast Lane award.  Brandon will receive a copy of the hit single of the same name by The Eagles.  He will then have to ask his parents who The Eagles are.
• The Rockin’ Robin award goes to David “here we go again” Ricks for being the minion who sent me the most tweets today.  David is tied for 489th.
• The Na Na Nee Boo Boo award goes to RJ Wynn who could not resist pointing out to me that he and 60 other minions had picked NC State to beat Villanova, whom I had in my Final Four.  RJ is currently 13th.  RJ is about to be unfriended.
• The Fruit Of The Loom award goes to clever minion Josh “I’m more of a banana than a” Pearman.  In a tie for 526th, I’m sure this year’s contest is driving him bananas.
• The Pass It On award goes to top 10 newcomer Beth Spark, who is currently in 4th place.  After all, it only takes a spark…
• The Seventh Heaven award goes to astute minions Kory Wilcoxson and Rita Dieringer who each picked 7 of today’s 8 games correctly.  Each will receive Seventh Heaven: The Complete First Season on BluRay.
• Finally, the If You Pick It, He Will Come award goes to Garrison “I was dreaming when I wrote this” Cooper, our current contest leader.  Garrison was a beneficiary of the Nova flame out and wins the tiebreaker over second place minion Jane Gomez by virtue of a better winning percentage.  Just three points behind them is Sue “no clue” Chmura, who seems to be doing quite well in spite of her alias.

Ok, minions, that’s it for day three.  By this time tomorrow, the Sweet 16 will be set, and we’ll have our final commentary of the contest’s opening week.  If your bracket is busted, fear not!  The re-pick round is just around the corner.  Details soon to come.

The Wizard of Whiteland

Contest Home Page

Once you become predictable, no one’s interested anymore. – Chet Atkins

A Tale of Two Tournaments

The two opening days of March Madness could scarcely have been more different.  The historically thrilling nature of yesterday has been well rehearsed both in my commentary and elsewhere.  While I am not necessarily claiming that today’s contests were without their thrilling moments, I do believe that the day belonged more to normalcy than madness.  Consider the following:

• Yesterday five games were decided by a single point, and three more came down to the last possession.  Today only two games came down to the last possession, and none of the rest were closer than six points.
• Yesterday began with four of the first eight games being won by the lower seed.  From that point onward, the next 23 consecutive games were won by the favorite.  Were it not for Dayton’s lone upset of higher-seeded Providence, history would have been made today with all 16 games being won by the higher seed.
• Yesterday only four games managed at least 70 points in regulation by one or both teams.  Today there were only four games where neither team managed at least 70 points, and four teams managed at least 80 in their victories.

I guess FiveThirtyEight was right after all.  This year’s bracket IS top heavy.  It just took half a day for that fact to materialize.

More Madness By The Numbers

• California Isn’t The Only Place Dealing With Drought – Providence hasn’t won a tournament game since 1997.  Before their big win over Davidson today, Iowa hadn’t won a tournament game since 2001.
• Crazy 8’s – It’s not just a card game you played as a kid.  This year all four 8 seeds were victorious, a feat accomplished only two other times in the 64-team era: 2000 and 2002.  In fact, the 8s weren’t the only seed to find perfection this year.  The 1s, 2s, 4s, and 5s were also 4-0, further lending credence to the top-heavy analysis of this year’s bracket.
• Double-Digit Dilemma – If you’ve done the math, you’ll know that only five double-digit seeds remain, the ones that provided the tournament’s only five upsets.  At least one is guaranteed a trip to the Sweet 16, as #11 UCLA and #14 UAB play one another.  This bodes well for a few minions who stand to earn a Scategories bonus if UAB happens to be that team.
• The final game between Dayton and Providence began with 3 made field goals, 12 turnovers, and 11 total points (for BOTH teams combined) in the first 8:00 minutes.  The Friars took 59 shots in this game – 26 of them from behind the arc – and made just 20 for 34%.  A whopping 26 of those shots were taken by a single player, LaDontae Henton, who made only 7 of them for 27% shooting.
• Make Free Throws, Win Games – Maryland closed out its win over Valpo by making 8 consecutive free throws.
• Conference Watch – The ACC, MVC, and Pac 12 are perfect so far. The B1G is 5-2, the Big East is 4-2, and the Big 12 is 3-4.

Uniforms, Mascots, Funny Names, and Other Miscellany

• The Battle of the Highlighters was won by the yellow team who ground out a six-point victory over the orange team.

• The Meanest Mascot of the Day award goes to the Albany Great Dane who was an imposing fellow, indeed.
• The Most Awkward Mascot of the Day award goes to the UC-Irvine Anteater who had as much trouble controlling his own lengthy snout as 7’6″ center Mamadou Ndiaye had controlling his own arms.
• The Most Sensitive Mascot of the Day award goes to the Wichita State Shocker who did not take kindly to being Twitter-bullied by Chris Webber and told him so.  Well, I guess the Shocker sort of mimed him so, since mascots can’t talk and all that.  Why is that, by the way?  Is that part of some unwritten mascot code, or is it written in the bylaws of the American Mascots union?
• What Did He Say? – I promise the first few times I heard Davidson’s Tyler Kalinoski’s name called, I thought the game announcer was saying colonoscopy, which I might have, in fact, preferred getting over having to watch that debacle.
• Scootchie kutche coo! – Dayton. Scootchie Smith. I don’t know what else to say.
• Home Court Advantage – Gonzaga played its game in Seattle just 230 miles from their campus in Spokane.  This is not surprising given that Gonzaga earned a 2 seed.  On the other hand, riddle me this, Batman.  How is it that Dayton, supposedly the last team in the field of 68 (I still cringe every time I have to say that), gets to play-in to an 11 seed on its home court in Dayton AND THEN is rewarded by being sent only 72 miles down the road to Columbus for its round of 64 game?  Providence, the higher seed, essentially played a road game in an arena filled with fans for the opposing team.  While the First Four being played in Dayton is understandable, the committee’s placement of the Dayton/Boise State winner in Columbus is not.
• Insult To Injury – And as if the aforementioned home court advantage wasn’t enough, the rhyme-time showdown of Flyers vs. Friars didn’t tip until 10:52 PM local time!  So I’m the Friars, the higher seed, and I have to play a team 72 miles from its home city at 11 PM on a Friday night?  That definitely gets the You Gotta Be Kidding Me award.
• And while we’re stuck on Providence getting the shaft, the Bobby Knight Award For Superior Chair Throwing goes to Providence coach Ed Cooley for slamming a folding chair on the floor during a timeout.  He was rewarded with a technical foul from the officials, who apparently didn’t appreciate his tantrum, even though they shouldn’t have even been anywhere near him at the time in the first place.  He was having a conversation with his team in the huddle during a timeout, and in an attempt to fire up his players, was Teed up by the ref for lack of decorum, I suppose.  Honestly I think the refs were cranky because it was way past their bedtime.
• Quotable Quotes – I must say, Doug Gottlieb is growing on me.  He had a couple of quips today that made me chuckle.
  • “Who plans a wedding the first weekend of March Madness?  I mean, that’s just un-American!”  Apparently some critical member of the Dayton coaching staff has a wedding to go to on Saturday.
  • “It was such a ridiculous call that nobody knew who the foul was on.”  This was a completely accurate statement.  At one point in the now way over-discussed Flyers v Friars affair, the refs blew the whistle, but no one moved, because not one of the 10 players on the floor had any clue what was being called or who it was on.  Again, I chalk this up to sleep depravation for both officials and players.
• Even Cinderella Has To Be Home By Midnight – Dayton seems to be a trendy pick (again) for this year’s Cinderella, but if this were an actual fairy tale, every player would have been replaced by pumpkins by halftime.  I mean, seriously, who schedules a game to BEGIN at 11 PM local time?  Bobby Knight used to complain about tournament games tipping at 10 PM, but this is beyond the pale.  Don’t these people know I have a commentary to write?
• Sometimes You Eat the Bear, And Sometimes The Bear Eats You – No, actually, you always just get eaten by the bear.  “Bring on Duke,” Robert Morris University tweeted.  Yeah, man, we’ll take a piece of them!  “Very well,” coach K calmly replies.  “A piece you shall have.”  RMU gets coach-K-O’d by 29 points, and the work-study kid in charge of RMU’s Twitter account has his password revoked.

Media Madness

If you watch 48 consecutive hours of televised sports like I just did, the commercials definitely become part of the experience.  Here’s a few awards for the hard working folks at the marketing firms that come up with those ads that, for reasons both good and bad, we can’t seem to forget.

• The Best Village Idiot award goes to Capital One’s spots featuring the self-deprecating and always entertaining Charles Barkley.  Barkley is the best foil to appear in commercials since the dorky dude who played PC in the Mac v PC commercials.  If you haven’t seen the “In The Annapolis” spot with Samuel L. Jackson and Spike Lee, you don’t know what you’re missing.  Check it out here: http://creativity-online.com/work/capital-one-road-to-the-final-four–annapolis/39931.  Other great quips from Barkley in these ads include “I wish pandas were real” and “I wish every truck was a taco truck.”
• The Best Use Of Office Pools In Advertising award goes to Buffalo Wild WIngs for their spot where dude #1 is sifting through his stack of brackets, and his pal criticizes him for it.  “It cheapens the bracket,” he says.
• The Best Connection With The March Madness Fan award goes to Arby’s, of all companies.  Arby’s managed to connect roast beef sandwiches with March Madness by deftly exploiting the madness itself.  In one spot the announcer says, “Your brackets are in.  There is nothing you can do to change them.  The only thing you can do now is yell at the television.  The louder you yell, the more you influence the outcome.”  In another spot he plays on the superstitious nature of fans by proclaiming, “If you ate this sandwich yesterday, and your team won, you need to eat it again when they play tomorrow!”
• The Most Ironic Use Of Irony award goes to AT&T for their ad featuring Dr. J, Shaq, and Christian Laettner.  Laettner offers the words of wisdom, “You can’t just make it to the Sweet 16 and then sit back and rest on your laurels.”  When Dr. J asks if he sees the irony in that statement, Laettner quips, “Yes, I do.  I literally made this hammock out of my laurels so that I could rest on them.”  He then goes on to describe all of the basketball nets he cut down that now comprised his comfy hammock.
• The Nostalgia award goes to Coca Cola for bringing back that 80’s classic 99 Red Balloons.  You children of the 80’s will surely remember that song.  It was the one that had the English version on side of the 45 and the German version on the other.
• The I Assume You Did That On Purpose award goes to the makers of the Divergent film series.  I noted from last year’s contest commentary that the first Divergent film opened on the first Friday of March Madness.  Apparently that was a success, because the sequel, Insurgent, opened today, again on the first Friday of March Madness.  Next year I assume we can expect the third film in the series, Detergent, to open on the first Friday,  In Detergent, our heroin, Tris, reverts to her Abnegation roots and just starts cleaning up after everyone.
• And last, and certainly least, the So Dumb It’s Almost Funny award goes to the Lowe’s add where the suddenly handyman husband feels so empowered by the DIY training he received at Lowes and the praise of his wife, he decides to share his great new product idea with the boss at work: the glow-in-the-dark cat hat.  Never lose your cat in the dark again.  A large dog might be just as effective.

Round One Awards

Alright, enough of this foolishness, minions.  It’s time for the round one awards brought to you by Keurig, maker of the world’s best coffee machine and the only thing in this house keeping me awake enough to finish this commentary.

• The Upset Stomach award brought to you by Prilosec OTC goes to the six contestants who picked all five upsets correctly: Jane Gomez (T1), Kip Layman (T18), Colt Stratton (T1), Isaiah Geistwhite (35), Dave Barndt (T18) , and Daniel Labbato (78).  It should be noted that Daniel guaranteed himself all upsets by picking nothing BUT upsets for all 32 games.  As you can see, this is not a winning strategy, as he is now 5-27 and can win at most 2 games in the next round.
• The Playing It Safe award goes to the two minions who made the “weenie picks,” i.e., they picked the higher seed to win every game in the round of 64: Maggie Booher and Ron Walker.  The good news is that they are both 27-5, which is excellent.  The bad news is this strategy got them only 27 points, because non-upsets are worth only one point each in the first round.  27 points is good enough for a tie for 437th.
• The Top Prognosticator award for round one goes to the minion who picked the most games correctly in the round of 64, Bryce Boyer, who went an impressive 29-3.  Nevertheless, this performance is only good enough for 47th in the standings.  Honorable Mention for this award goes to Brandon Lane, Jim Richards, Tom Marshall, Sandra Jones, and Zach Miller each with 28 correct picks.
• The I’m Still Standing award goes to Keith Fisher, Rita Dieringer, Connor Gillig, Beth Wynn, and Chad Wright.  Each of these contestants has made it to the round of 32 without losing a single Sweet 16 team yet.
• The Biggest Loser award goes to Richard Goodwin, who dropped from 143 all the way to 555 over the course of the day.
• The Rising Star award goes to KJ Afterkirk who climbed nearly 400 spots from 647 to 257 over the same time span.
• The Picking Like It’s 1999 award goes to Garrison “I was dreaming when I wrote this” Cooper, currently tied for 7th with 51 points.  Honorable mention goes to the others tied for 7th, Aiden “the kid” Pryor and Keith Fisher.
• The Middling Award For Mediocrity goes to Becky Thornton who almost exactly in the median position at 378th.
• The iPick Poorly award goes to the minion whose alias is the mathematical concept square root of -1, also referred to in complex number studies as simply i, the imaginary number – just as imaginary as his picks.  He has 18 points and is tied for 746th, nearly (but not quite) dead last.  Name withheld to protect the guilty.
• The Heinz 57 award goes to Jordyn Glassley and Erica “VegasBabby” Vatne for being tied for 57th, of course.  You two have some ketching up to do.
• Finally, the Yellow Jersey award goes to the leaders after stage one, Jane “This one looks as good as any” Gomez and Colt “Coltron” Stratton.  Like the games from day one and day two, these two are opposite ends of the spectrum.  Jane is a female 60 and over, and Colt is a boy 12 and under.  This just goes to show that Jeff’s March Madness Contest is anyone’s game to win.

Ok, minions, I have pontificated to the point of exhaustion, yours and mine.  The round of 32 tips off in just over 7 hours.  It’s time for the Wizard to regroup and recup.  Until then, may your brackets not be busted.

The Wizard of Whiteland

Contest Home Page

Don’t cry because it’s over.  Smile because it happened. – Dr. Seuss

Midday Quick Hitters

We’re halfway through day two of the opening round, and it has been very different than yesterday.  Not that there haven’t been some entertaining games, but the results have been markedly different.  With seven games in the books as of this writing, there have been no upsets so far, or as some would say, it’s been all chalk.

• Is There A Dentist In The House? – Wichita State forward Darius Carter got his teeth rearranged, literally, in the Shockers victory over Indiana.  The broadcast crew described a cringe-inducing procedure where a dentist was called in to actually pull a displaced tooth back into place.  Yowza!  Carter would later return to the game, but he was understandably seen holding his mouth most of the time he was shown on camera.
• Is There A Doctor In The House? – It was a tough season for the Wyoming Cowboys. They had not one but TWO players fall prey to mononucleosis during the regular season, and one of those two, Larry Nance, Jr., also suffers from Crone’s Disease.  If you ask me, just being on the floor is a win for Mr. Nance.
• Beware The “Izz” of March – March Madness announcer Bill Raftery delivered another signature zinger when he said tournament survivors should be wary of the “Izz of March,” referring of course to Michigan State coach Tom Izzo.  Sparty won its first round game over Georgia in a contest that was much closer than it needed to be.
• Can I Get A Hallelujah? – I’m not sure why I even noticed, but the Michigan State pep band played the Battle Hymn of the Republic immediately following their team’s victory.  Not sure what sort of a statement that makes, but I like it!
• High Fives All Around – For the first time eight years and only the fourth time in the history of the 64-team tournament, there were no 12-over-5 upsets.  This no doubt has taken its toll on our brackets, as the minions have become accustomed to “at least one 12” being a lock every year.
• That’s Foul – One victorious 5 seed, West Virginia, has the dubious honor of leading the NCAA in fouls committed.  Their game against Buffalo was something of a foul fest, with both teams combining for 49 personal fouls and 52 free throws attempted!  Remarkably, only two players fouled out, one for each team.
• I Love Lenny – I just want to say that Len Elmore is the best color commentator in the tournament.  That is all.
• Don’t Mess With The Mascot – The Shocker mascot was seen paying a little visit to Chris Webber of Fab Five fame at the media table during the Wichita State vs. Indiana game.  Apparently Mr. Webber had recently tweeted that the Shocker mascot looked like Sponge Bob, and Mr. Shocker took umbrage. Of course, mascots cannot speak, so the exchange was muted.
• The Bank Is Open – The 15 seed Belmont Bruins came up short in their impressive attempt to upset #2 Virginia, but they sure had fun in the process.  Running back down the court after banking in a long 3 pointer, #23 Craig Bradshaw could be seen shouting “I called that!” at the TV announcers.  He must have known what they were saying on air.
• How Long Does It Take To Play 120 Seconds Of Basketball? – If it’s the final two minutes, it can take a long time, indeed.  In a game already plagued with four media timeouts, five full timeouts per team, and one use-it-or-lose-it 30 second timeout, the recently implemented practice of allowing game officials to go to the monitor and review plays in the last two minutes of a half are making the problem worse.  If we, the TV viewers, can clearly determine after a couple of replays who touched the ball last, why does it take the officials 3 or 4 minutes to come to the same conclusion?  It’s a ridiculous stoppage of play, and it needs to be addressed by the rules committee before next year.
• What’s A Guy Gotta Do Around Here To Get An Ant? – Or a win?  Those of you who are old enough may remember the old “The Ant and The Aardvark” cartoons that aired on Saturday mornings along with the Pink Panther.  Like that poor Aardvark, the UC-Irvine Anteaters, try as they might, just couldn’t quite get the prize. The giant 7′ 6″ Mamadou Ndiaye almost looked too big for his own body at times.  When he jumped for a rebound, it was counterproductive, because the ball ended up hitting him in the chest!  To me this game ranks right up there with the UCLA game yesterday in terms of dubious officiating at the end.  Louisville had a foul to give, and in an obvious attempt to do just that, the refs refused to call the reach-in, and the Anteaters never even got a chance to take a shot for the win or tie.

A Few Awards

With no upsets at all so far today, every win has been worth just one point.  Therefore, there hasn’t been much movement in the standings.  However, no commentary would be complete without at least a couple of awards.

• The Oooh, Burn! award goes to Emily Croft who changed her alias to “Pur-don’t.”  Absolutely classic!
• The Blackjack award goes to Jay Holt and Jim Richards for having 21 correct picks each out of 23 games so far.  Jay is currently 11th and Jim is 93rd.
• The Abandon That Strategy, It Never Works award goes to Daniel Labbato who couldn’t resist the lure of the all-upset bracket and picked the lower seed for all 32 first round games.  This gives him just 4 wins so far.  While that’s good enough for 56th at the moment, there is literally nowhere to go but down.
• The There Can Be Only One award goes to those contestants attempting to usurp the Wizard’s place in the contest: Jason “The Wizard of Eastwoods” Roehl, Chris “The Oracle of Olympia” Wright, and Jeff “The Oracle of McCordsville” Harrington.  There’s only one wizard, friends, but for your efforts, you’ll each receive a copy of Highlander on DVD.

Ok, minions, time for a bathroom break before the evening session begins.  Watch your twitter feed for in-game quips and your email for the day two commentary later this evening or in the morning, depending on how late you plan on staying up.  You can follow me @littlejeff1970 on Twitter.

The Wizard of Whiteland

Contest Home Page

I can calculate the motion of heavenly bodies, but not the madness of people. – Isaac Newton

Measuring The Madness

To say that today was the best day of basketball in the history of the NCAA Tournament, or even the best day of basketball in the 20 years I’ve run this contest, is of course, subjective for the most part.  Let’s see if we can add some objectivity by attempting to quantify just how thrilling overall the 16 games played today actually were.  Can we put a number on the Madness factor?

Consider this:

• The 16 games played today were decided by a total of 146 points, or about 9 points per game.  That may seem like a lot, but…
• 85 of those points were scored in just 3 games: Kentucky, Arizona, and Villanova.  That means the remaining 13 games were decided by an average of less than 5 points each!
• Half of the games (yes, exactly half – 8) were decided by a single possession, i.e., 3 points or less.
• Five games were decided by a single point, a single-day NCAA Tournament record.
• Two games ended with precisely the same score (60-59) in precisely the same venue (Freedom Hall, Louisville, KY).  Fans with tickets to that pod got their money’s worth.
• While only four of the games were won by the lower seed, every game except for the three blowouts sure felt like an upset, with nearly all of them going right down to the pulse-pounding wire.

Put that all together, and it was the most exciting day of college basketball I’ve ever watched (and I’ve watched a LOT of college basketball).

More Metrics, Analysis, and Random Musings

The excitement factor notwithstanding, there are some other observations I think are worth mentioning.  Giving credit where credit is due, some of these come by way of long-time minion Brad Schafer.  By the way, it feels like Brad and I watch every game together, though we’re never physically co-located.  Ah, the miracles of 21st-century instant messaging technology.

• Good Defense or Poor Shooting? – I read a fascinating article over the weekend claiming that men’s college basketball is suffering from a decline in popularity.  According to this particular piece, attendance is down across the country, and some schools are resorting to gimmicks and giveaways to consistently fill their gyms on game day.  The article went on to suggest that March Madness was facing declining ratings, and that the best days might actually be behind it.  While I think rumors of the death of March Madness are greatly exaggerated, one metric this article pointed to as an explanation for the alleged decline is worth examination.  That metric is the overall lack of offense on display these days.  Some say it is because the best offensive players depart early for the NBA.  Others say it is because of the way the games are officiated, i.e., they are allowed to become too physical.  Still others say that coaches know that it is easier to coach defense than offense, and so they decide to take a defensive approach.  After all, defense wins championships, as the mantra goes.  The result is games played in the 50s (or worse) and an overall product that lacks entertainment value because the pace is so slow and scoring is so low.  Is that true?  Let’s look at some numbers just from today.
  • Only four games ended regulation with one or both teams having scored at least 70 points.
  • In the Purdue vs Cincinnati game, PU is an accurate description of Purdue’s offensive (literally) performance.  It totally stunk.  Purdue shot 15% from 3 point range (4-26) and 36% from the floor (26-72).  But Purdue’s big men were 11-18 (many dunks), and Hammons was 7-10 all by himself.  That means the rest of the team (other than the front line players) made just 15 shots!  Add to that a woeful performance from the free throw line (60%), and it’s surprising they didn’t lose by a lot more than 1.
  • Even Lafayette, who got obliterated by Villanova, shot 38% from the floor and 22% from 3 point range, both better than Purdue.
  • LSU ended the game they led by as many as 16 points by missing 12 consecutive field goals and 6 consecutive free throws to lose in a bona fide buzzer beater to NC State.
  • 18 of the 32 teams that played today, or just over half, made at least 70% of their free throws.  The rest didn’t.  Poor free throw shooting has been the bugaboo of many an upset victim over the years.  UNC nearly succumbed to a furious comeback by the Harvard Crimson in no small part because Harvard was 18-20 from the line (90%) while UNC was just 8-13 (61%).  In other games the free throw shooting was just plain horrific.  For example, in Arkansas vs. Wofford, the teams combined for 19-32 from the line, or 59%!  Defense may win championships, but free throws win close basketball games.
  • Is it great defense or bad offense?  I report, you decide.
• The Conference Watch Report is noteworthy.  The Big East, widely panned as a shell of its former self, is 4-0, while the vaunted Big 12, billed by many ESPN experts as the strongest conference in the country, is 0-3.  The Pac-12 and ACC are also undefeated so far at 3-0, while the B1G and AAC are treading water at 1-1 each.
• One of the unintended consequences of a day like today where so many games were so close is that I didn’t have the usual lulls in play provided by the typical blowouts to work on my commentary.  That’s why the alias awards didn’t get out until this edition, and why I’m still typing this at 4 AM.
• Not all the news is bad in the scoring department, though.  Arkansas wingman Michael Qualls went 8-9 including 2-2 from 3 point range in a 20 point performance that undoubtedly lifted his team to victory.  Watching him play, I suspect he’s totally into the old school “Like Mike” commercial.  That dude can fly.
• Georgetown center Josh Smith has got to be the Tim Tebow of college basketball.  Actually, make that the Vince Wilfork of college basketball.  The guy is just massive.  He’s listed as 6-10 and 350.  350!  The Colts should draft him to play right tackle.
• Call the travel agency.  The evolution of the travel or carrying of the basketball, or perhaps the failure to call thereof, would be an interesting subject for an ESPN 30-for-30 film.  First there was the jump stop, which used to be called a travel.  Then there was the crossover dribble, made famous by Allen Iverson, which used to be called a travel.  And let’s not forget the hesitation dribble, which often is really a travel.  In fact, there are many new variants of the shuffling of the puppies that seem popular nowadays, including the pivot foot switcheroo, the drop step pirouette (made famous by Patrick Ewing), the early take off (taking a step before starting the dribble), the elbow your way to the basket (a favorite of post players), and others too numerous to mention.  But the newest edition to the family of creative ball handling has to be what I will dub the tailback through the line maneuver.  This is the move where the player, in driving to the basket, cradles the ball high and tight like a tailback clutching a football, presumably to keep it from being slapped away by a defender.  Now, first of all, I’m wondering who popularized this particular abomination.  Second, am I the only one who thinks this is a travel 9 times out of 10?  I’ve never seen it called.  Ever.

Day One In-Game Awards

Before I start handing out the first day awards to you, fair minions, I have a few awards to hand out to those actually participating in the March Madness spectacle.

• The That’s Using Your Head award goes to Purdue’s A.J. Hammons who attempted (unsuccessfully) to catch a pass from teammate Kendall Stephens with his face.  Ouchie.
• The Mistaken Identity award goes to CBS announcer Vern Lundquist who mentioned Nicodemus when he clearly intended to refer to Nostradamus.  I can see where someone could get those two confused.
• The Temper, Temper! award goes to Cincinnati’s Octavius Ellis who was ejected from the game for reportedly throat punching A.J. Hammons before the first TV timeout of the second half.  Apparently Mr. Ellis needs some anger management classes, as this is his third ejection of the season.
• The If The Shoe Fits award goes to Arkansas guard Rashad Madden who apparently grew tired of one shoe and kicked it into the stands.  On purpose.  A short time later a helpful teammate on the bench tossed one of HIS shoes onto the floor to, you know, help a brother out.  This in turn led to…
• The Pot. Kettle. Black. award going to the officials of the Arkansas vs Wofford game who, after the shoe incident, stopped play for a full five minutes to review the goings on from the monitor at the scorers table.  After careful deliberation they assessed a delay of game warning to the Arkansas bench.  Oh, the irony of it all.

The Alias Awards

A favorite pastime of Jeff’s March Madness contest is the endless pursuit of the perfect alias, that sublimely clever bit of wit that elicits the knowing smile or full-on belly laugh from the other contestants.  In that grand tradition, I offer this year’s alias awards.

• The Burma Shave award, once again, goes to the Fairchild family, who continued their tradition of sequencing their aliases to make a clever proverb not unlike the Burma Shave road signs of a bygone era.  To enjoy their accomplishment, just go to the View & Search Contestant Picks page and scroll down to the “F’s”.
• The Family Affair award goes to a couple of families that seemed to agree on a theme for their aliases this year.  The Coopers seem to be a family of dreamers, whereas the Andersons are clearly legendary.
• The Copy Cat award goes to Richard Coy and Caitlyn Williams, both employing the tried and true “Full Metal Bracket” movie reference.
• The That’s Just Wrong award goes to Shane “Haven’t Showered in 2 days and counting” Rose. Eww.
• The Mr. Peabody award for best puns goes to:
  • Scott “Pick Up The Right” Bower (bonus points for the Euchre reference)
  • Adam “Not Sheepish” Lamb
  • Kelli “Get Ready To Feel The” Payne
  • Shelby “Ann T Biotic” Risner
  • Kristin “Hair Force” Schafer
  • Scott “Sean Anigans” Whitlow
• The Etymology award goes to Scott “Defeasance Wins Championships” Booher, because I had to lookup the meaning of defeasance. For the curious, you can read about it here: http://www.investopedia.com/terms/d/defeasance.asp
• The Sprechen Sie Deutsch? award goes to Robin “Kann ich eine Karotte” Drews, which apparently translates as, “Can I get a carrot?” Somebody must be hungry.
• The Stop Rhyming, I Mean It! award goes to Emri-Kate “emir-kater mashed patater” Detamore and Terr’e “Don’t take a loss” Moss for their superior rhyming skills. They will, of course, each receive a peanut.
• The Elvis Impersonator award goes to Rick “I’m a celebrity” Grimes.  No doubt Rick picked up on my comments about wanting a celebrity entry in the contest and used the name he shares with the character from The Walking Dead to his advantage.  I don’t watch the show, so I had to look it up.
• The Best Inside Joke award goes to Ryan “I need a pastors privilege on my bracket” Helton and Andrea “household requirement” Little.  Ryan is a golfing buddy who often has to endure my exercising the “pastors privilege” to take a mulligan, usually on a missed 3 foot putt.  Andrea is my oldest daughter.  I am sure you can figure out the rest.
• The Best Use of an Internet Meme award goes to Christopher “I only see blue and black” Randazzo.  Christopher will receive a dress of his very own, whatever color it is.

• The King James award for best Biblical references goes to:
  • James “Chapter 1, Verse 5” Badgley
  • Bryson “Agent of Wrath” Davis (my personal favorite)
  • Kain “Not The Murderer” Wright
• The Mash-Up award goes to those contestants who offered up the best portmanteaus.
  • Tamara “BoileR’upp Arena” Schoder
  • Gary “Pennsatucky” DeLong
  • Justin “telligent” Wentworth
  • Kory “Willy-coxson-Stein” Wilcoxson
• The And The Horse You Rode In On award goes to Monique “I will beat you and your mom” Moss.
• The LOL award goes to these aliases that literally made me laugh out loud.
  • Nicholette “GET OUT THE HAMMER LANE! Slow poke” Fraser
  • Joshua “good enough for government work” Marshall
  • Kent “Boomshakalaka” Raymond
  • Matt “Part time minion, full time ninja!” Thurber
  • Betania “Nobody’s Perect” Wentworth
  • Tara “thinks her husbands alias should” Wynn

And now, for the best of the best, the top five aliases in this year’s contest are:

5.  Mike “What I wouldn’t give 4 a holocaust cloak” Baines – A clever reference to The Princess Bride is a winner every time.

4.  Lilly “Irish I was a baller” Richardson – The clever pun combined with her husband, Zach Richardson’s, love for Notre Dame AND the fact that she sent me a text to assure me that she came up with it all on her own put her over the top.

3.  Sara “Forget Me Not” Marshall – Hands down the best pop culture reference in 20 years.

2.  Danny “Moose” Edwards-Luce – Now, you may be wondering why a simple alias like “Moose” gets runner-up.  I don’t know if Danny did it intentionally or not, but this thing reads like the opening of a Dr. Seuss book.  Go ahead.  Read it out loud.  You expect the next line to be something like “rolled into Whoville with the spotted goose.”

1.  This year’s winner is actually a collaboration between Kim and Rebecca Harper who combined their aliases to form the title of my absolute favorite children’s story of all time: Tikki Tikki tembo-no Sa Rembo-Chari Bari Ruchi-pip Peri Pembo.  When I saw that, I couldn’t believe my eyes.  Well done, Kim and Rebecca.  You took me back to elementary school library time.  Splendid days!

Day One Awards

Ok, it’s time to bring this novel to a close with the day one awards.

• The Proofreader award goes to alert minions Tom Vessely and Anthony Randazzo for catching my mistake in the first commentary when I said that the 14s were prefect so far.  This is not the case, as Notre Dame defeated 14-seed Northeastern in the first game of the day.
• The Lobbiest award, sponsored by Citizens for a better March Madness, goes to Nathan Stratton, who emailed me to campaign for an award for his son, Colton.
• The It’s A Small World award goes to Teri Gschwind who has recruited minions from five different countries around the world: The United States, Australia, Germany, Poland, and Ireland.  For adding an international flavor to the contest, you’re going to Disney World!
• The Bitter Irony award goes to tied-for-last-place contestant Jared “THE WINNING BRACKET” Badgley.  Not yet, but there’s still time.
• The Wonder Twins award goes to the sister-brother duo occupying second and tied-for-third place at the moment, Emri-Kate and Drew “Stone face” Detamore.  In fact, there is a bit of Detamore dominance in the top 10, as their dad, Adam Detamore, is tied for 9th.
• The I Hate This Stupid Scoring System award goes to Tom Marshall, who has the same winning percentage as the contest leader but is in 61st place.
• The I Love This Awesome Scoring System award goes to Dave “Wooden Truth-Picks II” Barndt and Kip “is better at picking than playing” Layman, both of whom are sub-.500 in wins but just outside the top 10 in the standings.
• The Better Luck Next Year award goes to all of you Iowa State fans (94 to be exact) who had them in the Final Four.  Repeat after me.  The Big 12 is overrated.
• Finally, the Crown Her With Many Crowns award goes to Hadley Dental employee and contest leader Nicole Chappell.  Nicole started the day on a 9-0 run before Purdue handed her her first loss.  Nicole suffered only two losses today, in fact, but they were significant.  She had Purdue toppling Kentucky in the round of 32, and she had LSU in the Final Four.  So don’t fret, minions.  She is not out of reach.

I’m wondering if after reading all of that you’re as tired as I am after typing it.  Time for the wizard to catch a few Zs before the Madness begins anew in just over 8 hours.  Until then, minions.

The Wizard of Whiteland

Contest Home Page