Stop This Madness!

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I can calculate the motion of heavenly bodies, but not the madness of people. – Isaac Newton

Measuring The Madness

To say that today was the best day of basketball in the history of the NCAA Tournament, or even the best day of basketball in the 20 years I’ve run this contest, is of course, subjective for the most part.  Let’s see if we can add some objectivity by attempting to quantify just how thrilling overall the 16 games played today actually were.  Can we put a number on the Madness factor?

Consider this:

  • The 16 games played today were decided by a total of 146 points, or about 9 points per game.  That may seem like a lot, but…
  • 85 of those points were scored in just 3 games: Kentucky, Arizona, and Villanova.  That means the remaining 13 games were decided by an average of less than 5 points each!
  • Half of the games (yes, exactly half – 8) were decided by a single possession, i.e., 3 points or less.
  • Five games were decided by a single point, a single-day NCAA Tournament record.
  • Two games ended with precisely the same score (60-59) in precisely the same venue (Freedom Hall, Louisville, KY).  Fans with tickets to that pod got their money’s worth.
  • While only four of the games were won by the lower seed, every game except for the three blowouts sure felt like an upset, with nearly all of them going right down to the pulse-pounding wire.

Put that all together, and it was the most exciting day of college basketball I’ve ever watched (and I’ve watched a LOT of college basketball).

More Metrics, Analysis, and Random Musings

The excitement factor notwithstanding, there are some other observations I think are worth mentioning.  Giving credit where credit is due, some of these come by way of long-time minion Brad Schafer.  By the way, it feels like Brad and I watch every game together, though we’re never physically co-located.  Ah, the miracles of 21st-century instant messaging technology.

  • Good Defense or Poor Shooting? – I read a fascinating article over the weekend claiming that men’s college basketball is suffering from a decline in popularity.  According to this particular piece, attendance is down across the country, and some schools are resorting to gimmicks and giveaways to consistently fill their gyms on game day.  The article went on to suggest that March Madness was facing declining ratings, and that the best days might actually be behind it.  While I think rumors of the death of March Madness are greatly exaggerated, one metric this article pointed to as an explanation for the alleged decline is worth examination.  That metric is the overall lack of offense on display these days.  Some say it is because the best offensive players depart early for the NBA.  Others say it is because of the way the games are officiated, i.e., they are allowed to become too physical.  Still others say that coaches know that it is easier to coach defense than offense, and so they decide to take a defensive approach.  After all, defense wins championships, as the mantra goes.  The result is games played in the 50s (or worse) and an overall product that lacks entertainment value because the pace is so slow and scoring is so low.  Is that true?  Let’s look at some numbers just from today.
    • Only four games ended regulation with one or both teams having scored at least 70 points.
    • In the Purdue vs Cincinnati game, PU is an accurate description of Purdue’s offensive (literally) performance.  It totally stunk.  Purdue shot 15% from 3 point range (4-26) and 36% from the floor (26-72).  But Purdue’s big men were 11-18 (many dunks), and Hammons was 7-10 all by himself.  That means the rest of the team (other than the front line players) made just 15 shots!  Add to that a woeful performance from the free throw line (60%), and it’s surprising they didn’t lose by a lot more than 1.
    • Even Lafayette, who got obliterated by Villanova, shot 38% from the floor and 22% from 3 point range, both better than Purdue.
    • LSU ended the game they led by as many as 16 points by missing 12 consecutive field goals and 6 consecutive free throws to lose in a bona fide buzzer beater to NC State.
    • 18 of the 32 teams that played today, or just over half, made at least 70% of their free throws.  The rest didn’t.  Poor free throw shooting has been the bugaboo of many an upset victim over the years.  UNC nearly succumbed to a furious comeback by the Harvard Crimson in no small part because Harvard was 18-20 from the line (90%) while UNC was just 8-13 (61%).  In other games the free throw shooting was just plain horrific.  For example, in Arkansas vs. Wofford, the teams combined for 19-32 from the line, or 59%!  Defense may win championships, but free throws win close basketball games.
    • Is it great defense or bad offense?  I report, you decide.
  • The Conference Watch Report is noteworthy.  The Big East, widely panned as a shell of its former self, is 4-0, while the vaunted Big 12, billed by many ESPN experts as the strongest conference in the country, is 0-3.  The Pac-12 and ACC are also undefeated so far at 3-0, while the B1G and AAC are treading water at 1-1 each.
  • One of the unintended consequences of a day like today where so many games were so close is that I didn’t have the usual lulls in play provided by the typical blowouts to work on my commentary.  That’s why the alias awards didn’t get out until this edition, and why I’m still typing this at 4 AM.
  • Not all the news is bad in the scoring department, though.  Arkansas wingman Michael Qualls went 8-9 including 2-2 from 3 point range in a 20 point performance that undoubtedly lifted his team to victory.  Watching him play, I suspect he’s totally into the old school “Like Mike” commercial.  That dude can fly.
  • Georgetown center Josh Smith has got to be the Tim Tebow of college basketball.  Actually, make that the Vince Wilfork of college basketball.  The guy is just massive.  He’s listed as 6-10 and 350.  350!  The Colts should draft him to play right tackle.
  • Call the travel agency.  The evolution of the travel or carrying of the basketball, or perhaps the failure to call thereof, would be an interesting subject for an ESPN 30-for-30 film.  First there was the jump stop, which used to be called a travel.  Then there was the crossover dribble, made famous by Allen Iverson, which used to be called a travel.  And let’s not forget the hesitation dribble, which often is really a travel.  In fact, there are many new variants of the shuffling of the puppies that seem popular nowadays, including the pivot foot switcheroo, the drop step pirouette (made famous by Patrick Ewing), the early take off (taking a step before starting the dribble), the elbow your way to the basket (a favorite of post players), and others too numerous to mention.  But the newest edition to the family of creative ball handling has to be what I will dub the tailback through the line maneuver.  This is the move where the player, in driving to the basket, cradles the ball high and tight like a tailback clutching a football, presumably to keep it from being slapped away by a defender.  Now, first of all, I’m wondering who popularized this particular abomination.  Second, am I the only one who thinks this is a travel 9 times out of 10?  I’ve never seen it called.  Ever.

Day One In-Game Awards

Before I start handing out the first day awards to you, fair minions, I have a few awards to hand out to those actually participating in the March Madness spectacle.

  • The That’s Using Your Head award goes to Purdue’s A.J. Hammons who attempted (unsuccessfully) to catch a pass from teammate Kendall Stephens with his face.  Ouchie.
  • The Mistaken Identity award goes to CBS announcer Vern Lundquist who mentioned Nicodemus when he clearly intended to refer to Nostradamus.  I can see where someone could get those two confused.
  • The Temper, Temper! award goes to Cincinnati’s Octavius Ellis who was ejected from the game for reportedly throat punching A.J. Hammons before the first TV timeout of the second half.  Apparently Mr. Ellis needs some anger management classes, as this is his third ejection of the season.
  • The If The Shoe Fits award goes to Arkansas guard Rashad Madden who apparently grew tired of one shoe and kicked it into the stands.  On purpose.  A short time later a helpful teammate on the bench tossed one of HIS shoes onto the floor to, you know, help a brother out.  This in turn led to…
  • The Pot. Kettle. Black. award going to the officials of the Arkansas vs Wofford game who, after the shoe incident, stopped play for a full five minutes to review the goings on from the monitor at the scorers table.  After careful deliberation they assessed a delay of game warning to the Arkansas bench.  Oh, the irony of it all.

The Alias Awards

A favorite pastime of Jeff’s March Madness contest is the endless pursuit of the perfect alias, that sublimely clever bit of wit that elicits the knowing smile or full-on belly laugh from the other contestants.  In that grand tradition, I offer this year’s alias awards.

  • The Burma Shave award, once again, goes to the Fairchild family, who continued their tradition of sequencing their aliases to make a clever proverb not unlike the Burma Shave road signs of a bygone era.  To enjoy their accomplishment, just go to the View & Search Contestant Picks page and scroll down to the “F’s”.
  • The Family Affair award goes to a couple of families that seemed to agree on a theme for their aliases this year.  The Coopers seem to be a family of dreamers, whereas the Andersons are clearly legendary.
  • The Copy Cat award goes to Richard Coy and Caitlyn Williams, both employing the tried and true “Full Metal Bracket” movie reference.
  • The That’s Just Wrong award goes to Shane “Haven’t Showered in 2 days and counting” Rose. Eww.
  • The Mr. Peabody award for best puns goes to:
    • Scott “Pick Up The Right” Bower (bonus points for the Euchre reference)
    • Adam “Not Sheepish” Lamb
    • Kelli “Get Ready To Feel The” Payne
    • Shelby “Ann T Biotic” Risner
    • Kristin “Hair Force” Schafer
    • Scott “Sean Anigans” Whitlow
  • The Etymology award goes to Scott “Defeasance Wins Championships” Booher, because I had to lookup the meaning of defeasance. For the curious, you can read about it here: http://www.investopedia.com/terms/d/defeasance.asp
  • The Sprechen Sie Deutsch? award goes to Robin “Kann ich eine Karotte” Drews, which apparently translates as, “Can I get a carrot?” Somebody must be hungry.
  • The Stop Rhyming, I Mean It! award goes to Emri-Kate “emir-kater mashed patater” Detamore and Terr’e “Don’t take a loss” Moss for their superior rhyming skills. They will, of course, each receive a peanut.
  • The Elvis Impersonator award goes to Rick “I’m a celebrity” Grimes.  No doubt Rick picked up on my comments about wanting a celebrity entry in the contest and used the name he shares with the character from The Walking Dead to his advantage.  I don’t watch the show, so I had to look it up.
  • The Best Inside Joke award goes to Ryan “I need a pastors privilege on my bracket” Helton and Andrea “household requirement” Little.  Ryan is a golfing buddy who often has to endure my exercising the “pastors privilege” to take a mulligan, usually on a missed 3 foot putt.  Andrea is my oldest daughter.  I am sure you can figure out the rest.
  • The Best Use of an Internet Meme award goes to Christopher “I only see blue and black” Randazzo.  Christopher will receive a dress of his very own, whatever color it is.

  • The King James award for best Biblical references goes to:
    • James “Chapter 1, Verse 5” Badgley
    • Bryson “Agent of Wrath” Davis (my personal favorite)
    • Kain “Not The Murderer” Wright
  • The Mash-Up award goes to those contestants who offered up the best portmanteaus.
    • Tamara “BoileR’upp Arena” Schoder
    • Gary “Pennsatucky” DeLong
    • Justin “telligent” Wentworth
    • Kory “Willy-coxson-Stein” Wilcoxson
  • The And The Horse You Rode In On award goes to Monique “I will beat you and your mom” Moss.
  • The LOL award goes to these aliases that literally made me laugh out loud.
    • Nicholette “GET OUT THE HAMMER LANE! Slow poke” Fraser
    • Joshua “good enough for government work” Marshall
    • Kent “Boomshakalaka” Raymond
    • Matt “Part time minion, full time ninja!” Thurber
    • Betania “Nobody’s Perect” Wentworth
    • Tara “thinks her husbands alias should” Wynn

And now, for the best of the best, the top five aliases in this year’s contest are:

5.  Mike “What I wouldn’t give 4 a holocaust cloak” Baines – A clever reference to The Princess Bride is a winner every time.

4.  Lilly “Irish I was a baller” Richardson – The clever pun combined with her husband, Zach Richardson’s, love for Notre Dame AND the fact that she sent me a text to assure me that she came up with it all on her own put her over the top.

3.  Sara “Forget Me Not” Marshall – Hands down the best pop culture reference in 20 years.

2.  Danny “Moose” Edwards-Luce – Now, you may be wondering why a simple alias like “Moose” gets runner-up.  I don’t know if Danny did it intentionally or not, but this thing reads like the opening of a Dr. Seuss book.  Go ahead.  Read it out loud.  You expect the next line to be something like “rolled into Whoville with the spotted goose.”

1.  This year’s winner is actually a collaboration between Kim and Rebecca Harper who combined their aliases to form the title of my absolute favorite children’s story of all time: Tikki Tikki tembo-no Sa Rembo-Chari Bari Ruchi-pip Peri Pembo.  When I saw that, I couldn’t believe my eyes.  Well done, Kim and Rebecca.  You took me back to elementary school library time.  Splendid days!

Day One Awards

Ok, it’s time to bring this novel to a close with the day one awards.

  • The Proofreader award goes to alert minions Tom Vessely and Anthony Randazzo for catching my mistake in the first commentary when I said that the 14s were prefect so far.  This is not the case, as Notre Dame defeated 14-seed Northeastern in the first game of the day.
  • The Lobbiest award, sponsored by Citizens for a better March Madness, goes to Nathan Stratton, who emailed me to campaign for an award for his son, Colton.
  • The It’s A Small World award goes to Teri Gschwind who has recruited minions from five different countries around the world: The United States, Australia, Germany, Poland, and Ireland.  For adding an international flavor to the contest, you’re going to Disney World!
  • The Bitter Irony award goes to tied-for-last-place contestant Jared “THE WINNING BRACKET” Badgley.  Not yet, but there’s still time.
  • The Wonder Twins award goes to the sister-brother duo occupying second and tied-for-third place at the moment, Emri-Kate and Drew “Stone face” Detamore.  In fact, there is a bit of Detamore dominance in the top 10, as their dad, Adam Detamore, is tied for 9th.
  • The I Hate This Stupid Scoring System award goes to Tom Marshall, who has the same winning percentage as the contest leader but is in 61st place.
  • The I Love This Awesome Scoring System award goes to Dave “Wooden Truth-Picks II” Barndt and Kip “is better at picking than playing” Layman, both of whom are sub-.500 in wins but just outside the top 10 in the standings.
  • The Better Luck Next Year award goes to all of you Iowa State fans (94 to be exact) who had them in the Final Four.  Repeat after me.  The Big 12 is overrated.
  • Finally, the Crown Her With Many Crowns award goes to Hadley Dental employee and contest leader Nicole Chappell.  Nicole started the day on a 9-0 run before Purdue handed her her first loss.  Nicole suffered only two losses today, in fact, but they were significant.  She had Purdue toppling Kentucky in the round of 32, and she had LSU in the Final Four.  So don’t fret, minions.  She is not out of reach.

I’m wondering if after reading all of that you’re as tired as I am after typing it.  Time for the wizard to catch a few Zs before the Madness begins anew in just over 8 hours.  Until then, minions.

The Wizard of Whiteland

Contest Home Page

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