“People do give me a hard time about my hair because it’s orange and it’s big.” – Carrot Top

We were treated to a couple of exciting games this evening as well as some significant movement in the standings. If you had Syracuse from the beginning, you had a good day. I have several awards to hand out this evening, but first, I need to wax a few elephants.

Sunday Snapshots

• Uneasy Lies The Head That Wears The Crown – Tonight’s double header started where we left off last night with the #1 seed losing again, making the top seeds 0-3 to that point. Here’s a game that Virginia led by as many 14 with less than 10 minutes to play, and yet somehow managed to find a way to lose. Certainly credit is due to Syracuse for finding a way to win two games now in which they were down late, but I can’t help but question the Virginia game plan. For example, as alert minion Bill Spyksma observed in a email he sent me, why was Virginia rolling the ball up to half court without a touch to preserve clock at precisely the point where they had their largest lead? Wouldn’t they want to shorten the game at that point? Again, I’m somewhat astonished as the sheer lack of basic basketball smarts on display by so many teams in this tournament, and not just by scrappy underdogs like Northern Iowa, but also by top seeds, blue bloods,and storied programs. Could this be a side effect of the “one-and-done” phenomenon?
• Revenge Is A Dish Best Served Cold…but I’m not certain how I like my crow. It seems I have a few comments that I need to walk back (that’s politician speak for I was wrong but don’t want to admit it). First, a couple of minions alerted me to the fact that the Villanova Wildcats were not the only animal mascot remaining in the tournament, as the North Carolina Tarheels are technically goats. Someone else said that the Oklahoma Sooners also have an animal mascot, although I’m struggling to determine exactly what sort of creature a Sooner is. Maybe it’s a close relative of the elusive Hoosier supposedly indigenous to Indiana but never actually observed in the wild. Then again it could be more of a legend like the Yeti, Sasquatch, or Snipe. I bet “In Search of Sooner” would make a great reality show on Animal Planet. And then there was my anti-Syracuse rant and blatant skepticism of their achievement of getting to the Elite Eight because of the relatively easy road they had to get there. Tonight not only did the Orange beat the number one seed in their region, but they became only the fourth double-digit seed and the first 10 seed ever to make the Final Four in the 64-team era. One has to wonder how this team ever lost to the likes of St. John’s.
• Luck Of The Irish Runs Out – First, Brice Johnson made the Boneheaded Play Of The Day by earning himself a technical foul by tossing the ball over is head in disgusted protest of the personal foul he just received. This gave him fouls 3 and 4 and sent him promptly to the bench. Less than 30 seconds later, Notre Dame capped their 12-0 run to take a 52-51 lead, and thoughts of another epic collapse were swimming in my head. The Tarheels, however, refused to go the way of the other three #1 seeds and went on a 12-0 run of their own, never looking back after that. It would be easy to call North Carolina the team to beat in this year’s Final Four, and I doubt that’s much of a stretch. With strong coaching, senior leadership, and NBA-level talent, it will be a tall order depriving them of another national championship.

And now for the awards.

Elite Eight Awards

• The How The West Was Won award goes to Vanessa Sopke and Justin Wentworth who each were a perfect 15-0 in the West region with original picks. These are, in fact, the only two contestants who were perfect in any region in this year’s contest.
• The Southern Hospitality award goes to a number of contestants who went 14-1 in the South region with original picks: Jennifer Garten, Jamie Shannon, Lewis Schafer, Gavin Hand, Mike Blankenberger, Jack Harper, Lisa Wilkins, Kim LeFever, Ken Jordan, and Abraham Hadley.
• The Eastern Star award goes to another considerable collection of minions who went 14-1 in the East region with original picks: Kassy Morales, Andrew McGuire, Tony Morales, Cyrus Schafer, Sam Glassley, Stephen Canter, Randy Jewell, Jeff Harrington, Tom Bruner, and Kaylee Salm.
• The Crossroads Of America award goes to the one contestant who at 12-3 did better than anyone else in the brutal Midwest region, AJ Spuches.
• The Upset Stomach award goes to the contestant who collected the most upset bonus points throughout the rounds where they were available. Ayden Jent amassed 74 upset bonus points and sits in 16th place. Ironically, Ayden did not collect a Scategories bonus.
• The History Maker award goes to the contestants who actually picked Syracuse to make the Final Four and collected the largest payout of Scategories and Upset Bonus points of the contest so far: Devan Bailey, Kristen Barney, Bob Johnson, Daniel Labbato, Joanna Labbato, Pam Mikel, Katie Muschalik, Denise Nichole, Cindy Schaefer, and Zachary Schaefer.
• The Moving On Up award goes to Daniel Goers who has climbed from 714th to 33rd, and he has done so in rather conventional fashion, having not picked any big upsets to speak of. Daniel will receive an autographed photo of Sherman Hemsley.
• And finally, the All In award goes to continuing contest leader AJ Spuches. All of AJ’s fortunes now rest squarely on North Carolina’s ability to complete the mission and win the national championship.

Closing Thoughts

The Final Four offers us some intriguing contest scenarios. While the winner of the Villanova/Oklahoma semifinal does not offer any bonus points, a national championship by either one does. A Syracuse victory over North Carolina would be worth 48 points to five contestants, and a Syracuse national championship would pretty much replace the top three with three new names. I haven’t done all the math, but those of you who have a team not called North Carolina as national champ might want to take this week to do it yourself to see what your chances are. Suffice it to say that if you are currently in the top 10, you probably want North Carolina to win.

And now it’s time for the Wizard to step back behind the current for another week’s respite. This has been an exciting tournament with lots of surprises, and hopefully you are enjoying the exercise. I appreciate all of the tweets, texts, and emails. I’ll see you again on Final Four weekend.

Warmly,

The Wizard of Whiteland

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“The terrible twos last through age three.” – Jodi Picoult

Just a few quick thoughts for you tonight, minions. Tomorrow is Easter Sunday.

Two For Two

Riddle me this, Batman. Sweet Sixteen. Eight games. No upsets. The better seeded team won all eight. Now here we are, two games into the Elite Eight, and both games were won by the lower seeds. Granted, it’s hard to call a #2 seed an underdog, but it is noteworthy that both #1 seeds lost tonight. So what does that mean for tomorrow? Will the remaining #1s go down? Not likely. Only once in the 64-team era has a Final Four lacked at least one #1 seed. On the other hand, will the law of averages kick in and BOTH top seeds win tomorrow? This seems more likely, but as the cliche goes, that’s why they play the game.

• This Night Was Not For The Birds – Did you notice that both bird Mascots lost tonight? Coincidence? I think not! The Villanova Wildcats are the only remaining animal mascot in the tournament.
• Boomer Sooner – I didn’t watch this game, but I see from the highlights and box score that Oklahoma put the hurt on Oregon. Buddy Hield dropped 37, which was more than half of what the entire Oregon team scored. I’m really looking forward to that national semifinal with Villanova. And speaking of Villanova…
• SuperNova…again – This game I did watch, and what a game it was. Two things stood out to me in this game. One was Kansas’ poor shooting. They were 6-22 from 3-point range (27%), and 7-11 from the free throw line (64%). Villanova wasn’t any better from the field, but they were nearly perfect from the line (18-19, 95%). The other thing I noticed was the Jayhawks’ astonishing inability to make a play or generate any sort of reasonable offensive set in the final minute. It seems that teams, even in the upper echelon, are having trouble executing under pressure in this year’s tournament.
• Could You Repeat That? – Either coaches or going deaf, or the broadcast crews need to rethink their halftime interview strategy. The fans are screaming. The bands are playing. The sideline reporter is asking the usual repertoire of inane questions, and coaches are shouting, “What? Sorry, could you repeat that. I can’t hear you!” I don’t know, maybe they should, like, you know, catch them in tunnel or something.
• Here’s Where Things Get Interesting – The elimination of Kansas takes one of the two most popular championship picks out of the mix, leaving us with an interesting situation. Of the six remaining teams in the tournament, only a North Carolina championship comes WITHOUT a monster Scategories bonus. If North Carolina were to lose tomorrow, you can pretty much throw the current standings out the window.

And now for just a couple of quick awards…

Quick Awards

• The What Does The Fox Say award goes to Deb Fox who snuck into 17th place while no one was looking. On a side note, did you know that “snuck” isn’t actually the past participle of sneak, but rather sneaked is? Nevertheless, snuck sneaked into common usage in American English some 200 years ago and has since become so common as to have pushed sneaked right out of the way. Weirdly, my blogging software’s spell checker doesn’t recognize snuck, but it does recognize sneaked. Very sneaky snuck is…like a fox.
• The You Can Say That Again award goes to Tom “Spike Lee Can’t Sing” Gidley. Neither can Barkley or Sammy L., for that matter.
• The Kindergarten Cops award goes to six-year-old cousins Bryce and Ben Hand who currently occupy 6th and 7th place overall. Of course they do. What could possibly make more sense than two boys who are just learning how to read and write beating the tar out of 810 other geniuses in this contest? Yes I’m bitter.

Check back tomorrow night for the final awards of the week. BIG games await us tomorrow night with BIG bonus points available if underdogs Notre Dame or Syracuse can pull off the upset.

The Wizard of Whiteland

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“There are only two kinds of people in the world, the Irish, and those who wish they were.” – Old Irish Proverb

After a rare night of Sweet Sixteen blowouts Thursday, Friday treated us to at least two competitive games. One I’m glad I watched; the other, not so much.

ACC Runs The Table

After going 0-2 last night, the ACC reaffirmed its dominance by going 4-0 tonight. Two won in convincing fashion, the other two with a little luck and a dash of March Madness.

• This Hair Club Is For Men – There must be some requirement about how much hair you have in order to play for Virginia, or perhaps it’s some sort of Samsonesque secret of their success. Or maybe they all avoid the barber for fear of running afoul of the NCAA’s improper benefit rules if they aren’t charged full price. Whatever the case, the Cavaliers won another game in convincing fashion. Maybe Syracuse should send over a barber.  Maybe they should send an NCAA rules official. No, I have it. They should send money, and then send an NCAA rules official! And speaking of Syracuse…
• Orange You Glad Jim Boeheim Is In Another Elite Eight? – No, we’re not, with the exception of the 21 minions who got a Scategories bonus for this game. I can tell you from experience that it is hard being a Gonzaga fan. The infamous Adam Morrison collapse seems to have brought a curse of sorts, not allowing Gonzaga to get over the proverbial hump. No matter what the talking heads on CBS or TNT or TBS or ESPN are saying, this loss had very little to do with the ballyhooed Syracuse 2-3 zone defense. Gonzaga had more than figured out how to score enough to win this game. The fact is that Gonzaga gave this game away with dumb decisions in the last 90 seconds, and while the magnitude of their collapse wasn’t quite the same as Northern Iowa’s when measured in points, it was just as epic when measured in undiluted boneheadedness. They turned the ball over under their own basket for an easy score. They turned it over again on a 10 second call. And while still leading the game, the otherwise magnificent Kyle Wiltjer takes a quick shot instead of using clock. Then on their final possession they turn it over again only to have their bacon saved by a missed out of bounds call, but it was for naught. Instead of getting the ball to Wilter or Sabonis (who was a monster with 19 points and 17 rebounds), Josh Perkins takes a runner in the lane and has it blocked by Tyler Lydon who hadn’t done anything noteworthy the entire game but blocked two shots in the final 40 seconds. It was one thing for the Zags to lose to eventual national champion Duke last year, but to lose to the insufferably smug and unrepentant Jim Boeheim and his team of Orange who didn’t even win 20 games prior to the tournament really leaves a bad taste in ones mouth. For the Zags, this is definitely the one that got away.
• And While I’m On This Rant – While much is being said of this being Syracuse’s third Elite Eight appearance in five years, should we really be impressed? First, they beat Dayton. A good team but not exactly a powerhouse. Then they got Middle Tennessee on their post-epic-upset hangover. This happens in the second round to every 15 seed not named Florida Gulf Coast. And tonight, they get a gift from a Gonzaga team that was, by all reasonable measures, clearly superior but the victim of its own dumb decisions. I therefore boldly predict that Virginia will absolutely obliterate Syracuse on Sunday night. It won’t even be close. The 2-3 zone will neither be new nor scary to the Cavaliers, and their pace of play will essentially allow them to out-Syracuse Syracuse.  This could be another game in the 50s.
• Luck Of The Irish Strikes Again – How many games can Notre Dame win in the closing seconds? As I was suffering through another Wisconsin-induced basketball coma, my thoughts went back to a story my grandfather told me. My grandfather played basketball in the early 30s and shot free throws underhanded (“granny” style). He told me of a game he played in high school that his team won by the score of 2-0. That’s two to nothing. This Wisconsin/Notre Dame game felt just like that until the last 19 seconds. I had tweeted “First one to 50 wins,” and when the Badgers reached that mark first, it seemed as if I was going to be right. Then those last 19 seconds happened, Notre Dame went on a 8-0 run, and now they’re going to the Elite Eight for the second year in a row. North Carolina awaits them, which isn’t exactly a reward, but maybe they have enough good luck left in their sneakers to pull off the impossible. And speaking of North Carolina…
• Tarheels Turn The Paige On The Hoosiers – I’ll be honest. I didn’t watch much of this game. I was too busy shouting at the television and hurling small, non-dangerous objects across the room because of the Gonzaga game. I do know that Marcus Paige went 6-9 from beyond the arc, and that Indiana just was never really in this game. The Hoosiers got to the Sweet Sixteen in part by playing good defense, but when the other team hangs a hundred on you, that’s not so good. Indiana coach Tom Crean said Paige played like he was in a video game, and I think that’s an accurate assessment. If North Carolina continues to play at this level, I don’t know who’s going to beat them.
• Familiar Faces – With all the Madness this tournament has offered us, the Elite Eight is devoid of surprises or Cinderellas. Sure, Syracuse is a 10 seed, but they’re Syracuse, one of a number of usual suspects that tend to still be around this time of year: North Carolina, Kansas, and Villanova are names we are accustomed to seeing three columns deep in our brackets, and even Oklahoma has had some success in the past. Virginia is a relative newcomer, but has certainly been strong the past two or three years. Of the eight, perhaps only Oregon qualifies as a newcomer, but as the #1 seed in the West from the Pac 12, they are hardly a surprise or an underdog. So, the table is set this weekend for a sort of clash of the typical titans for a trip to the Final Four. All four #1 seeds still remain, and frankly, I wouldn’t be surprised if this ended up being a year where they all advance.

Sweet Sixteen Awards

• The Seventh Heaven award goes to the minions who got seven of the Elite Eight correct without using any re-picks: Trevor Anderson, Sarah Leap, Tom Brantner, Jeff Harrington, Matthew Muschalik, Cason Dilulio, Kassy Morales, and Heather Hearne. The And One award goes to Jeff Harrington who, rather weirdly, is the only one of this bunch who managed to pick the 8th game correctly with a re-pick.
• The Domer Homers award goes to the six contestants who picked Notre Dame to go all the way with their original pick: Margaret Dean, Tyler Drone, Pete Klinker, Debbie Kohut, Lilly RIchardson, and Tracy Sines. If they win it all, you all receive the Ultimate Scategories Bonus worth 96 points, but I wouldn’t hold my breath.
• The Crash And Burn award goes to Kip Layman, once proud owner of 9th place, now in 407th.
• The Lead Pipe Lock award goes to 48th place minion Matt “Predicting n ACC team n the Championship” Hand. Since one side of the Elite Eight is composed entirely of ACC teams, the chances of that happening are, in the words of LeBron James, “one out of one, or 100 percent.”
• The And The Horse You Rode In On award goes to Kirk “Best Of Miller Expedited” Daniels for using his alias to punk on his coworkers. Kirk is currently in 12th place.
• The That’s How The Cannonball Bounces award goes to Dylan Scheumann who bemoaned the fact that he “Dropped 200 places in one day”. Dylan is currently tied for 504th. Cheer up, Dylan. You’re going to Rose-Hulman next fall.
• The But You Wear Really Cool Shoes award goes to my youngest little girl, Ashlyn Little, who isn’t doing so well this year. Cheer up, Asho. You’ve got better shoes than most of the players left in the tournament.
• The Don’t Ask Me If That’s My PIzza Franchise award goes to Luca Zeoli for cracking the top ten at number 6. Luca will receive a free slice of Pepperoni.
• The Pardon Me, But Do You Have Any Grey Poupon award goes to 10th place contestant Dejan Davis. If you don’t get the joke, his friends call him Dijon. Of course having to explain the joke makes it less funny.
• The Don’t Call Me Billy award goes to Caleb “TheKid” Davis, currently in 13th.
• And finally, the There’s A New Sheriff In Town award goes to new contest leader AJ Spuches, who vaulted into first place on the strength of the Scategories bonus he earned for the Syracuse win. AJ has been hanging around the top of the leaderboard for the whole contest, never ranking lower than 21st so far.

Is AJ’s lead safe? Hardly. Supersized Scategories bonuses await those who picked Notre Dame or Syracuse to advance to the Final Four and/or the championship game…IF either can pull it off, of course. Even more significant, ANY national champion not named Kansas or North Carolina will earn a select few the rare and coveted Ultimate Scategories Bonus worth a whopping 96 points, and that would change everything.

Stay tuned for the weekend’s regional finals as we find out who the Final Four will be. Good luck!

The Wizard of Whiteland

Contest Homepage

“Fishing is boring, unless you catch an actual fish, and then it is disgusting.” – Dave Berry

It’s All Chalk Thursday

No upsets, overtimes, or buzzer-beaters here, folks. In fact, tonight’s assortment of regional semifinals were barely competitive, ultimately resulting in the top two seeds from the South and West regions advancing according to Hoyle to the regional finals on Saturday.  It was almost as boring as fishing, but not nearly as disgusting. If you played it safe in the South or the West, you did well tonight.

• Super Nova – Of all the games I half-watched tonight, Villanova looked the most dominant. Miami is by no means a bad team, but the Wildcats were never threatened. If I were Kansas, I’d be nervous.
• ACC You Later – Much was made about six ACC teams advancing to the Sweet Sixteen.  Two played tonight. Both lost, and it wasn’t very close. To be fair, this Duke team was a bit of an overachiever if you ask me. The team overall is young, not very deep, and not very big, struggling on the defensive end.  Sure, Grayson Allen is good, but he gets the Sour Grapes award tonight for refusing to acknowledge the Oregon player who tried to be a good sport. We will see if the other four ACC representatives can fare better tomorrow night. None of them play each other; therefore, it is possible that all four could advance to the Elite Eight.
• Buddy Hield for MOP? – First, I really like Buddy. If Oklahoma is going to make the Final Four, he will have to play like the superstar he is. But on another topic, why did anyone feel the need to replace MVP with MOP. Actually, I think this was instituted some time ago, but that doesn’t make it any less ridiculous. We can’t have the most valuable player, because equality, or something. So we have the Most Outstanding Player instead, not that he’s any more valuable, mind you. He’s just more outstanding. But what kind of a name is MOP for an award? C’mon, man! Next thing you know instead of a trophy they’ll be handing the kid a mop, a bucket, and a bottle of Pine Sol. “Congratulations, kid! Here’s your MOP.”
• Who Pushed The Easy Button? – A whopping 140 contestants picked all four of today’s games correctly with original picks. Given that it was the 1-2 pick in both regions, perhaps that makes some sense.

Looking Ahead

Let’s hope tomorrow night’s offering of games is more watchable. On paper, at least, we have something to look forward to. Gonzaga will try to solve that infuriating Syracuse zone, which frankly is hard to do if you don’t see it often, and Gonzaga doesn’t. As I’ve noted before, the winner of this game is going to give a small number of folks a very hansom bucket of points in the contest.

Then there’s IU vs UNC, a game that should be no contest for the Tar Heels, but the way Indiana has been playing, you never know. If Indiana’s bigs can’t stay out of foul trouble, it will be a long night for the Hoosiers.

Finally, the high octane offenses of Iowa State and Notre Dame will square off against put-you-in-a-coma slowdown specialists Virginia and Wisconsin. If by some miracle Virginia and Wisconsin were both to advance to the Final Four, it might be the most excruciating national semifinal in tournament history.  Anyone ready for a 36-35 tour de force?

Quick Awards

• The Least Popular Kid In School award goes to 19th place contestant Kassy “Haven’t watched a game all season” Morales. Believe me, Kassy, that’s NOT what the 797 people behind you in the standings want to hear.
• The Asleep At The Wheel award goes to Nathan Gidley who has climbed all the way to 8th place and yet failed to get his re-picks in! With Michigan State and Kentucky still in his Final Four, the chances of him keeping his spot in the top 10 are not good.
• The Nice Try award goes to Ethan “Can I re-pick my re-picks?” Grunden, currently tied for 371st.
• The Your Stock Is Rising award, sponsored by Merrill Lynch, goes to John Berrey for clawing his way from 714th to 89th.
• The Busted Bracket award goes to Elianna Grunden who has dropped from as high as 51st all the way to 680th.
• The Just Call Me France award goes to the 315 contestants who surrendered quickly and didn’t make any re-picks.
• The Wishful Thinking award goes to three contestants who took Syracuse to win it all with their original picks: Bob Johnson, Daniel Labbato, and Zachary Schaefer. If they actually pull that off, you three dudes will likely ended up 1, 2, and 3 in the final contest standings.
• And finally, sticking with the boredom theme, the Yeah, Yeah, Yeah award goes to Ken Jordan and Braden Murray. They were first and second when the night started, and they are still first and second. This award is given in memory of Phil Mickelson who once interrupted Tiger Woods’ lengthy introduction on the first tee with “Yeah, yeah, yeah” as the announcer was going down the list of his victories.

That’s it for tonight, minions. Here’s hoping for more entertaining games tomorrow night.

Until next time,

The Wizard of Whiteland

Contest Homepage

There’s nothing as exciting as a comeback – seeing someone with dreams, watching them fail, and then getting a second chance. – Rachel Griffiths

Hello and welcome to this special tournament intermission edition of Jeff’s March Madness Contest Commentary. While you are wrestling with your final decisions in the re-pick round (which isn’t going to be any easier than the first two rounds, I don’t think), here is an assortment of thoughts, musings, and observations, with a few awards sprinkled in for good measure.  Remember, there are just 24 hours left to get your re-picks in, so don’t delay!

Winners And Losers

Anyone who has ever picked an NCAA bracket, whether in my humble contest or a national behemoth such as ESPN’s, is looking for any sort of signal to help them choose the right teams to pick. Some rely on real-world metrics, while others are more superstitious. So whether you pick by the seeds, stats, colors, states, or school names that are fun to say, here are some winners and losers based on data that probably doesn’t even remotely correlate to anything that actually impacts the outcome of this tournament.

• Mascots – Mascots are fun. Mascots are cool. Mascots are some of the bravest, athletic, and physically fit people on the planet. So why aren’t they on the team instead of stuffing themselves anonymously in a costume whose temperature approaches that of the surface of Mercury? The world may never know. In any case, a quick look at our Mascot Watch report shows this year’s winners and losers. Clearly this is the year of the more eclectic mascot. The Amphibians, Colors, Demonic Powers, Natural Phenomena, and Wild West Icons are a combined 15-1. On the other hand, the more traditional mascots have not fared as well. The Bears, Birds, Dogs, and Cats are just 15-18. I find it interesting that in an election year the Government Officials are 0-1. The Criminals are 1-4, proving once again that crime doesn’t pay.
• Conferences – The ACC is the clear winner in this category, going 12-1 in the first two rounds and sending an unprecedented six teams to the Sweet Sixteen. The Pac 12, the so called Conference of Champions, is the biggest loser at 3-6 and advancing only one team to the Sweet Sixteen. The other three power conferences (B1G, Big 12, and SEC), are a combined 16-9. Despite all the insanity we witnessed in rounds one and two, only one mid-major remains in the tournament, the WCC’s lone representative Gonzaga.
• Commercials – If you watch a lot of basketball, you’re going to see a lot of commercials. To me this year’s winners are a pair of ads that made me LOL. First, there’s the NAPA Auto Parts spot where the father watches in anguish as his son learns to drive, leaving a path of destruction in his wake. The voiceover deadpans, “Sure, you could get him a new car. You could also light a pile of money on fire.” Then there’s the Nationwide commercial where the couple makes excuses why they are too busy to do their retirement planning. The one shining moment comes when wife declares she is too busy washing the dog, to which the husband responds, “Washing the cat!” The shot of him holding up a sopping wet, clearly unhappy feline is priceless. For the losers, there’s the completely incomprehensible ad for Amazon Echo featuring Alec Baldwin and whoever that other knucklehead is. The fact that it’s obviously intended to be funny makes it that much less funny. But the biggest loser has to be that Wing Street “no pants required” commercial. First of all, why would an establishment attempting to sell FOOD choose “no pants required” as its tag line? Second, what idiot thought THAT image would put ANYONE in the mood to EAT?
• Minions – Aside from the obvious top 5, one of the biggest winners so far in this year’s contest is J.R. Shrader. J.R. is in a group of contestants with the second highest bonus point total of 66 (only those who took the never-successful “pick all upsets route” have more bonus points). His record is barely above .500 (26-22), and yet he sits in 15th place with plenty of original picks left in the remaining rounds to make noise in the home stretch. On the other side, there is 67th place minion Greg Schweizer, who has the same win/loss record as the 1st place contestant (39-9)! That’s right. Greg has picked exactly the same number of games correctly as the contest leader, and yet he is 66 places and 34 points behind. Without doubt Greg deserves the I Hate This Stupid Scoring System award.
• Elite Eight – The big winners are anyone who picked either Gonzaga or Syracuse to advance to the Elite Eight. No matter who wins, a sizeable 12 point Scategories bonus will be awarded, as just about everyone in the contest had Michigan State in this spot. The losers, of course, are all of us who picked Michigan State. Even with a re-pick, the best we can do is 3 measly points.

Alias Awards, Part Deux

One of my favorite aspects of the contest is watching people “react” to the tournament’s progress via their alias. I’ve got some Grus (we don’t have Oscar, because, free contest) to hand out for the best updates over the weekend.

• Best Reference to a Super Bowl Commercial – Jason “Not know where Jason’s picks go” Roehl
• Most Compassionate Alias – Christopher “I feel bad for the purple teams” Randazzo
• Most Hopeless Alias – Nicholas “Is this almost over” Kusiak
• Best Supporting Actor – Blake “I want to be a Hooper family member” Dieringer
• Best Stunt Performance In An Action Adventure – Kelli “Right now I feel no” Payne
• Most Colloquial Alias – Evangeline “Carry me back to old Virginny” Grunden
• Best (word) Picture – RJ “Wynn you lose, You don’t” Wynn
• Telling It Like It Is – Robb “this year stinks” Boswell
• Best Use Of Creative Accounting – Brock “I’m not 60th, I’m 59th + tax!” Zagel

That’s all for now, minions. One last reminder: the re-pick round ends at 7:00 PM EDT tomorrow night. Don’t wait until 6:52 to see if you remember what your password is. Check it early so that if you need a reset, I will have time to get you in.

Good luck, and may the best minion win!

The Wizard of Whiteland

Contest Homepage

“I’d rather see Ashley Judd 100 times over this crying UK fan.” – Ryan Helton, Tied for 715th

Madness Abates. Sanity Returns.

After arguably the wildest opening round of the modern era, the law of averages came home to roost today, as it always does. (That’s why it’s called the LAW of averages, after all.) After going an impressive 10-18 in the opening round, the double-digit seeds were just 1-3 today. The average margin of victory in the six games won by the higher-seeded team was just under 12 points, and while there were certainly competitive games today, there were no barn burners, buzzer beaters, or logic-defying upsets of biblical proportions. It’s a good thing, too. Our brackets could not have absorbed much more abuse.

Game Thoughts

• You Can Call Me Mozart – The commentators for the Duke vs Yale game shared a human interest story regarding the unique first name of Yale star guard Makai Mason. His parents, having rather humdrum names like Dan and Susan, apparently wanted to give their son a more unique and memorable name. Ultimately the choice came down to Makai or Wolfgang. Now I’m not one to second guess another family’s parenting decisions, but this seems like a swing and miss to me. The cool factor for Wolfgang is simply off the charts. Sadly for Yale, Wolfgang-Makai was unable to orchestrate a victory over Duke, but Yale kept it respectable. The same cannot be said for…
• An Exercise In fUTE-itility – The Gonzaga Bulldogs made their 11-3 matchup with Utah look more like a 1-16 game, absolutely pummeling the Utes by 22 points. I don’t know what their biggest lead was, but it was really big. And just think, had Gonzaga not beaten St. Mary’s in the WCC tournament championship, they wouldn’t even be in this tournament!  As my friend, Brad Schafer, would say, “I smell a skunk in the woodpile.”
• Stick A Fork In ‘Em, They’re Dunn – The Providence Friars have an outstanding future pro in Kris Dunn, but even his impressive 29 point performance could not save them from the wrath of the Tarheels. Believe it or not, Providence actually led this game, which they ended up losing by almost 20. Whoever said there are no dominant teams in this year’s field hasn’t watched North Carolina play lately.
• The Butler Couldn’t Do It Again – I am frankly amazed at how Butler always seems to do so much with so little, but here they were, taking on top seed Virginia and making a game of it. This one was actually still up for grabs with perhaps 3 minutes left. Roosevelt Jones takes (and makes) some of the ugliest shots ever seen on a basketball court, and tonight I learned that “Chrabascz” sounds like “Travis” when Reggie Miller says it.
• I Know Where You’re From, Honey – Have you seen the Buffalo Wild Wings commercial where the man calls his wife from B-Dubs and tells her about his experiences like a 6-year-old would talk to his mom? “I met this guy. His name is Jeff, and he’s from Kentucky, and I’m from Kentucky, too.” That’s the part where she says, “I know where you’re from, honey,” which is truly hilarious, but I digress.  Actually, no, I don’t digress. That’s precisely where I was taking this train of thought. So, ironically, my name is Jeff, and I am also, technically, from Kentucky. Actually, I from a small town in southern Indiana called Madison, but I was born in Louisville about 50 miles away. Anyway, growing up in an Indiana river town as I did, I grew up speaking of Kentucky as if it were a foreign country where the enemy lived and telling very derogatory jokes about Kentuckians, none of which I will repeat here. So, it is not without some measure of smugness that I report that the only other upset of the day was Indiana’s victory over the despised Kentucky Wildcats. This was actually a competitive and highly entertaining game, and Indiana continues to impress even its most loyal fans.

Random Musings From Behind The Curtain

• Play It Again, Sam – The ubiquitous use of replay, especially in situations regarding the determination of the touching and/or releasing of the ball down to the nearest microsecond really has me marveling at the skill of the average NCAA tournament game camera crew. I mean, how do those guys always seem to have just the right angle? These guys are good, and it’s a good thing, because we all know the referees are bad.
• Is There An Orthodontist In The House? – I was watching the post-game interview with Gonzaga coach Mark Few when I realized that he has Reggie Miller’s teeth.
• From Piccolo To Saxophone – While there were mercifully no Ashley Judd cutaway shots in this year’s Kentucky games, we were treated to what has become the new face of March Sadness, ergo, the weeping female pep band member. Last year it was Villanova’s crying piccolo girl who became an instant YouTube meme. This year it is Kentucky’s crying saxophone girl. I don’t know about you, but I really looking forward to next year’s Bubba the Blubbering Tuba Player from West Virginia.
• That’s Bill for Short – Riddle me this, Batman. Why does Gonzaga coach Mark Few call Domantas Sabonis, son of former NBA great Arvydas Sabonis, “Domas” instead of “Domantas”? Is it that Domas is short for Domantas like Bill is short for William, or Joe is short for Joseph, or Jack is short for John (wait, what?)? Or, is it simply that Mark doesn’t know how to say his name? I don’t speak Lithuanian, so somebody’s going to have to help me out here.
• I Wanna Be Like…Steph? – In the Michael Jordan era, everybody wanted to soar through the air like Mike, performing gravity-defying dunks that brought the crowd to its feet. These days it seems the fast break dunk is eschewed for the pull up 40-footer. I mean, any old fool can dunk it, right? But only real men can shoot it from way down town. Perhaps we’re witnessing the next big shift in the way the game is played brought on by the man who changed it.
• Is There An Echo In Here? – So, in that Amazon Echo commercial with Alec Baldwin, is there some inside joke that we’re supposed to get? If so, I don’t get it. And while we’re asking about commercials, is that Russell Wilson holding the iPhone that’s smarting off to Lily in the AT&T commercial? And is there anyone funnier than the Allstate Mayhem guy? “I’m your cell phone, and I’m buzzing to let you know that you’re bracket’s busted.” Classic. You know what’s not classic? That Wing Street “no pants required” commercial. There are some things you can’t un-see.  And speaking of things you can’t un-see…

Things I Never Want To See On Camera Ever Again

• Yale fans in blue and white pinstriped overalls
• The Seton Hall Rock Lobsters
• Ashley Judd
• Weeping pep band members
• Yale fans dressed like Santa throwing up obscene hand gestures (yes, they showed it on TV, and it took an agonizingly long time for them to cut away to a different shot)
• Pep band members slapping their derrieres whilst dancing to that timeless classic, “Low” by Flo Rida
• Players doing the worn-out “feed the beast” mime or whatever it’s called when you feign shoveling platefuls of spaghetti in your mouth after doing something on the court with which you think everyone else ought to be impressed
• Dancing rednecks in flannel shirts humiliating their wives on national television
• Reggie Miller’s teeth

Day Three Awards

Alright, minions, enough of my stream of consciousness. Let’s get on with the all-important day three awards, shall we?

• The Right Arm, Left Arm award goes to Abraham “The Hammer” Hadley. I don’t know how many sons he has (if any), but I do know that he has 86 points, which is good enough for 17th place.
• The Smack Talk award goes to David Allender who has been making regular use of his alias in creative ways to point out that he is beating me in the contest. Now, let me just remind you that I am, after all, the all-powerful Wizard, and with the press of a button, I can make all of your points go away. Not that I would ever do such a thing…
• The Apparently Beg For It In An Alias award goes to Bryce “What does a 6 y.o. have 2 do 4 a mention” Hand, or more likely, this award probably belongs to cousin Ben Hand, or dad or Uncle Hand. Aw, who cares. Let’s just give ’em all a hand. All, ahem, kidding aside, Bryce’s performance is noteworthy, as he’s currently tied for 8th with the winner of …
• The Rob Lowe DirectTV award, which goes to J.R. “Still working through the Selection Show” Shrader. Thank heaven for the DVR.
• The Blue Ribbon Award For Perfect Prognostication goes to John Wilcox and Phil Stump who each picked all 8 winners correctly today. John is currently in 255th place, while Phil is in 109th.
• The Maybe You Should Get Your Eyes Checked award goes to Dr. Jeremy Elmore, who dropped from his highest rank of 12th down to 218th by the end of the evening.
• The Rising Star award goes to Kim Schneckloth who has clawed her way from the cellar of 766th all the way up to 74th.  Well done.
• The I Hate This Stupid Scoring System award goes to Tim “Boomer Sooner” Davis, who despite a winning percentage of .800, finds himself in 118th place.
• The I Told You So award goes to all-upset pickers Matthew Hickey and Eric Schneckloth who are finally getting their March Madness comeuppance and have dropped to a tie for 18th.
• The Emmitt Smith Hit Me With The Smell Good award goes 800th place minion Ben “No Idea What I’m Doing” Meyer. Let’s just say his picks could use a little freshening up. (Although I will point out that unlike HUNDREDS of contestants ahead of him in the standings, he still has all of his Final Four teams remaining in the tournament.)
• And finally, the Leader Of The Pack award goes to our current contest leader, Ken Jordan. Ken advanced on the strength of Gonzaga’s upset victory today, but with two of his Final Four and national champ already gone, he will have to rely on skilled re-picks to maintain his lead beyond the Sweet 16.

And with that, fair minions, I bid you farewell once more until we issue the final commentary prior to the re-pick round tomorrow evening. Keep an eye on Middle Tennessee and Stephen F Austin tomorrow, as a win by either one would earn a Scategories bonus for a small group of brave (or perhaps lucky) contestants.

Sleepily Yours,

The Wizard of Whiteland

Contest Homepage

Sanity calms, but madness is more interesting. – John Russell

A First Round For The Ages

There simply are not enough superlatives with which to fill this lengthy tome to describe the historic nature of the madness we witnessed today. This was, without doubt, the most unbelievable day – the most unbelievable two days – of college basketball I have witnessed, and I’ve been doing this a very long time. Lest we think that’s just the subjective opinion of one long-winded sportswriter wannabe, let’s see if the numbers bear it out.

• For the first time in tournament history, a 13, 14, and 15 seed all won games in the same day.
• There were ten games won by double-digit seeds, the most ever in the first round.  In all 13 of the 32 games played were won by the lower seed, a winning percentage of .406.
• Yale and Hawai’i each got their first tournament win in school history.
• ESPN reported that Michigan State was the second most popular pick for national champion with 2.9 million brackets, making the Middle Tennessee upset, at least by one 21st-century metric, the most shocking of all time.  According to FiveThirtyEight.com’s Elo rating system, the Spartans were the highest rated team ever to lose in the first round.

Game Notes

• First One To Fifty Wins – In what was the lowest scoring tournament game in the shot clock era, Wisconsin and Pittsburgh combined to score the same number of points Middle Tennessee scored in beating Michigan State. I heard the TruTV studio guys report this was the lowest winning score in a tournament game since the 40s, proving that this game really did set basketball back 75 years. All that was missing was short shorts and granny-style free throws.
• Tales From The Playground – In a game one of the announcers commented was “beginning to look like a pick-up game,” Green Bay and Texas A&M combined for 38 turnovers in a near 30 point blowout by the Aggies. I was looking forward to that second round showdown between A&M and Texas, but that was spoiled by…
• The Half Court Heave – Northern Iowa’s Paul Jesperson hit the greatest half court shot since Ulysses S. Reed stunned the Louisville Cardinals with a 49 foot buzzer beater in 1981 (a shot I witnessed, by the way, with my dad, a huge UofL fan – I can still remember him, bracket in hand, staring at the TV in disbelief). And speaking of buzzer beaters…
• Upon Further Review – The confetti hadn’t even hit the floor in Oklahoma City (where Northern Iowa had just beaten Texas) when St. Joe’s Isaiah Miles made a three pointer to go up by two with 11 seconds left. Not to be outdone, Cincinnati’s Octavius Ellis appeared to send the game into overtime with a buzzer beating dunk, but when a replay review revealed that the ball was still in his hands when the clock read 0:00, the basket was disallowed, giving St. Joe’s the win. What do you we call that, exactly? The buzzer un-beater? The dunk that wasn’t? How did we ever play basketball without video review?
• Dollar Shave Club – I thought I read somewhere that college coaches get paid considerable sums of money. Why is it, then, that Notre Dame coach Mike Brey can’t afford a razor? This could be conclusive proof that all of those commercials bemoaning the high cost of razors are accurate. Five o’clock shadows aside, the Irish managed to avoid giving the 11 seeds a perfect 4-0 record by beating upstart Michigan. Perhaps my wife said it best, “I figured Michigan’s mini-run had to come to an end after beating IU in the Big Ten tournament and then winning the First Four game.”
• Not-So-Sweet 16s – The year of parity and upsets has not been without its moments of dominance. In a field supposedly lacking any true front runner, the #1 seeds won in extremely convincing fashion. In fact, the top seeds who were supposedly ripe for the historic first round exit won by a combined 117 points.
• Lumberjacks Fell Mountaineers – Continuing his long tradition of March Madness failure, Bob Huggins’ West Virginia Mountaineers collapsed in spectacular fashion to Stephen F. Austin. I should have known better. While coach Tom Izzo’s loss was both unexpected and tragic, Huggins’ was neither. This is the part of the show where the singing of “Take me home, country road” gives way to “I’m a lumberjack and I’m ok…”

Name Game

One of the more interesting and entertaining aspects of March Madness for me is identifying the players with names that are unique, strange, lend themselves well to puns, or are just plain fun to say. What follows is this year’s offering of the name game.

• Giddy Pots, Middle Tennessee – Certainly the Blue Raiders were Giddy with excitement after pulling off perhaps the biggest upset in tournament history.
• Scoochie Smith, Dayton Flyers – Unfortunately, the Flyers were unable to scooch by the Syracuse Orange and their confounding zone defense.
• Buddy Hield, Oklahoma Sooners – They call him Buddy Buckets, and he sure makes a lot of them.
• Tum Tum Nairn, Michigan State Spartans – Coach Tom Izzo needed a couple of Tums of his own after today’s crushing defeat.
• Prince Ibeh, Texas Longhorns – If you’re wondering what’s funny about that, Prince’s last name is pronounced like eBay. eBay with the basket. eBay with the rebound. eBay at the free throw line. At times the play-by-play announcer sound more like a pitchman for the auction site.
• Thomas Walkup, Stephen F Austin Lumberjacks – First, he looks like a lumberjack. Second, the opportunities for puns with this guy’s name are endless. “Just Walkup to the line and win the game for us, son.” “You got it, coach.”

Trends

I’ve observed a few trends so far in this year’s tournament, some interesting and others disturbing.

• Hip Eyewear – From James Worthy style googles to safety glasses, it seems like more guys are protecting the eyes.
• Big Hair – John Wooden would have given many of today’s players the address of the nearest barber shop.  And speaking big hair…
• Big Beards – I don’t know if it’s Duck Dynasty or James Harden that inspired this tread, but it just seems so contrary to all that is basketball. Don’t those beards make your face hot?
• Fouling Three Point Shooters – Never a winning strategy. You’d think this would be the easiest foul in all of basketball to avoid, especially near the end of games in which you are ahead and trying to stay that way.
• The James Harden “Feed Me” Gesture – Not sure how I feel about that, but it’s not very original.
• Bright Uniforms – I’m talking highlighter yellow bright (see Baylor and Oregon). Perhaps this is a means of blinding the opponents.
• Slick Floors – Seems like I have seen a lot of players slip and hit the deck while trying to make a cut. Either that or today’s players just can’t keep their balance very well. Somebody is going to get hurt.
• Missed Dunks – And missed layups, too. If you want to win, you have to make the easy ones.

Round One Awards

The plethora of upsets has certainly led to some interesting movement in the contest standings. Without further ado, I present the final round one contest awards.

• The Upset Stomach award, sponsored by Pepto Bismol, of course goes to the two contestants who guaranteed themselves every upset by picking ALL of the lower seeds to win in the first round: Matthew Hickey and Eric Schneckloth. They are currently tied for 3rd, but since they only won the upsets, they only won 13 games. WIll that be enough to stay close enough to first through the second round so that the re-picks can get them back in contention. I don’t know, but it will be fun watching them try.
• The Bombs Away award goes to Jeremy Elmore who dropped from a high of 12th to a low of 171st in the standings.
• The All Over The Map award goes to Kim Schneckloth whose position in the standings has ranged from 766th to 36th and now stands at 52nd.
• The Top Prognosticator award goes to Braden Murray for picking 29 of the first 32 games correctly. Braden is currently in 5th place. As Darth Vader would say, “Impressive.”
• The Next Time Flip A Coin award goes to Connie Randazzo, who managed only 10 wins in the first 32 games. Ouch!
• The Hoosier Hospitality award goes to Brock and Ben Zagel who joined me at the Wizard’s secret lair for some pizza and game watching. Good times.
• The Super Bowl Hangover award goes to least year’s contest champion Heather Dilulio, currently tied for 665th.
• The Sitting Pretty award goes to AJ Spuches, the only contestant who can still win all of the remaining 31 games with original picks. AJ is currently in 7th.
• And finally, the Round One  Leader award goes to first place minion  John “Upset City” Smith. John’s approach is only slightly different from the “all upsets” approach, which is why he has 6 more points than Matthew Hickey and Eric Schneckloth. This sort of strategy has never led to a contest winner in the past, but with the record number of upsets in the first round this year, it just might be a workable strategy. In contrast to AJ, though, John can only win 11 more games with original picks, so the re-pick round will be crucial to his success.

I’ve fallen asleep at my keyboard something like ten times while trying to complete this commentary, which probably means I need to rest up for the second round this weekend. It also is my excuse for any babbling incoherence you may find in this edition of the commentary.

So until tomorrow, minions – or I guess, actually, later today – grab some breakfast, check the standings, and then get ready for more madness.

The Wizard of Whiteland

Contest Homepage

“How are the mighty fallen, and the weapons of war perished!” – 2 Samuel 1:27

Ok, minions, this one has to be quick. Fellow contestant Brock Zagel is coming for a visit in about an hour, and this has to be done before that. Look for a more complete commentary at the conclusion of day two.

Through The Looking Glass

Mirror, mirror, on the wall, which tournament was the maddest of them all? I’m not sure how this year’s first round will actually stack up historically in terms of sheer number of upsets (yes, I will research and verify tonight), but it certainly feels as if this has been the craziest, nail-biting-est, most shocking first round in recent memory.

• Mea ‘eo [Maya A-O] – That’s how you say “winner” in Hawaiian. The Cal Bears seemed doomed from the start. Their leading scorer, Tyrone Wallace, broke his hand in practice on Wednesday. If that wasn’t bad enough, another top scorer Jabari Bird developed back spasms during warm ups and never entered the game. Add to that a scandal involving a popular assistant coach that developed on Monday, and it was too much to overcome. The Rainbow Warriors, who were already on just about everybody’s upset radar, apparently, pretty much controlled the game throughout, giving us the first truly major upset of this year’s tournament. Suprisingly, 199 minions picked Hawai’i. I don’t feel nearly as smart now.
• Another Overtime – The inability to hit free throws seems to be a recurring theme in this year’s tournament. Last night USC missed the front end of two consecutive one-and-ones and ended up losing on a buzzer beater. Today, Iowa led by three but could not hit free throws on two consecutive possessions. The ensuing Boneheaded Play of the Day – Iowa’s Anthony Clemens fouled Temple’s Quenton DeCosey shooting a 3 with 2.1 seconds to play – led to three made free throws and overtime. Fortunately for Iowa, they won on their own buzzer beater after Daniel Dingle missed a free throw he was forced to shoot with his off hand due to injury to his shooting hand. You can’t make this stuff up.
• “Well, THAT”S Gonna Leave a Mark” – That’s the quote of the day, shared with me via Instant Message from fellow contestant Brad Schafer after the game everyone is talking about, Michigan State’s stunning defeat at the hands of Middle Tennessee State. I can honestly say I would not have been more shocked if all four top seeds had lost to a 16 in the first round. The carnage was vast. 510 of us had Sparty in the Final Four, and 187, including yours truly, had them going all the way. So what happened? For one thing, the Blue Raiders shot over 60% from three point range. Denzel Valentine spent much of the second half in foul trouble. And honestly, the Spartans shot themselves right out of this game. Combine that with silly turnovers and a few dumb decisions, and you have the recipe for disaster. This is very uncharacteristic of a Tom Izzo team, but I guess that’s why they call it March Madness

Midday Awards

As I said, this one has to be quick, but with the shakeup in the standings, I would be remiss not to hand out a few accolades.

• The Best Thing I’ve Seen On Twitter All Day award goes to Nathan Stratton, who replied to my “Never in my wildest dreams would I have picked against Tom Izzo in round one” with this gem: “And that is why you fail” – Yoda
• The Han Solo Memorial Don’t Get Cocky, Kid award goes to our two all-upset pickers Matthew Hickey and Eric Schneckloth who are currently tied for 2nd. Sure, they have guaranteed themselves ALL upset bonus points, but will they have enough winners left to remain relevant? Time will tell.
• The Best Response To The Michigan State Loss In An Alias award goes Bobby “It’s gonna be a long” Roe. It will indeed.  Bobby is tied for 688th and had Sparty in the Final four.
• And finally, the Enjoy It While It Lasts award goes to first place minion John “Upset City” Smith. The good news is, you’re in first.  The bad news is, you have Buffalo (Buffalo?) winning the whole thing. I suspect your grip on the top spot will not last.

I’m sitting here trying to decide if I should wait until after the Oklahoma/Cal State Bakersfield game is over to post this commentary. Please tell me this isn’t going to be another 2012 when TWO 15’s win a game!

The Wizard Of Whiteland

Contest Homepage

“Everybody wants to take responsibility when you win, but when you fail, all these fingers are pointing.” – Duke Coach Mike Krzyzewski

The first day of March Madness 2016 is in the books. Let’s take a moment to assess the damage.

Upsets And Blowouts

Of the 16 games that were played today, only two that were won by the favorite were won by less than 10 points. My point is that today was, in a sense, feast or famine. In 14 of 16 games, we either got an upset or a blowout.  In fact, 7 of the 16 games were won by the lower seed, although three of those were the 9s beating the 8s, which is an upset in name only.  Still, the 9s were 3-0 today. The 11s and 12s were a combined 4-1.

The Blowouts

I don’t remember where I heard it, but some announcer years ago told a story about a coach or perhaps another announcer who said there are certain games that should be gong games, as in, instead of playing the game, you should bring a gong to center court, ring it, and then send everyone home. This would be a tremendous time saver. The games from today that should have called for the gong include…

• Let’s Go Peay Down Our Leg – Top seed Kansas hung a hundred (and five) on Austin Peay in a game that was little more than a practice for the Jayhawks.
• Florida Gulf Toast – Unlike their Cinderella story of 2013, the Eagles were toasted in the second half by perennial powerhouse North Carolina.
• The Pirates Who Don’t Do Anything – The most interesting moment in Virginia’s shellacking of the Hampton Pirates was when their coach, Tony Bennett, in explicably collapsed on the sideline during the first half. Coach Bennett was reportedly dehydrated and returned to the bench during the second half.
• Stony Bricks – After an abysmal shooting display by both teams in the first half, Kentucky dispatched the Seawolves in the second, beating them by almost 30.
• Chattanooga Choo Choo Derailed – In what was an otherwise great day for 12 seeds, Chattanooga got whomped (that’s an 80s term for “beaten badly”) by Indiana, who, by the way, looked very strong.
• Seton Hall of Shame – After a tremendous and unexpectedly great performance in the Big East tournament, the Pirates looked absolutely spent in this game. The frenetic pace in the first half looked almost like a Globetrotters exhibition, and in the second, they were literally sucking wind. The Dubious Honor award goes Seton Hall’s Isaiah Whitehead tied an NCAA tournament record by going 0 for 10 from 3 point range.  Gonzaga, on the other hand, advanced to the second round of the tournament for the 8th consecutive year. I’ll give myself the Oh Ye Of Little Faith award for being a Zags fan and yet not picking them for crying out loud!
• Not In The Zona – In a game that was much more lopsided than the final score indicated, Wichita State shocked just about no one by putting the hurt on Arizona. At one point Wichita was up by over 20 points. At least no one stormed the court, thus preventing any Arizona players from having to punch a fan.

The Rest

• A House Divided – We knew Baylor was in trouble when star players Rico Gathers and Taurean Prince were seen getting one another’s faces on the sidelines. The altercation was bad enough that both were benched by the coach to cool off even with the team trailing. After the loss, the second disappointment for Baylor in as many years, a reporter asked Prince in the post-game interview, “How does Baylor get outrebounded by Yale?”  Prince’s response get’s the Bobby Knight Award For Post-Game Interview Sarcasm when he explained, “When the ball comes of the rim, you go up and grab it when it comes off the rim, and you grab it with two hands…and that’s considered a rebound.”
• PU – Something stinks in Lafayette. It could be Purdue’s utter lack of ability to finish a game. If I didn’t know any better, I’d swear this game was thrown.
• The Hand of Providence – It seems that the Fryars’ school is aptly named, as they seemed to escape certain doom multiple times in this one. TNT analyst Reggie Miller even commented, “It’s like the Fryars are cats. How many lives do they have, here?” USC missed the front end of a one-and-one twice in the closing seconds, leading by one point in both cases. This set them up for the Boneheaded Play Of The Day award, when USC’s Elijah Stewart left his man, Providence’s Rodney Bullock, right under the basket. Bullock scored the layup, and that was the game, the first tournament win for the Fryars since 1997.

Day One Awards

And now for the really good part of the commentary, the first day awards. Let’s start with the moment I know you’ve all been waiting for, the alias awards. It’s become quite the tradition in Jeff’s March Madness contest to come up with the most clever quip, inside joke, cultural reference, or pun in an effort to earn an award from the Wizard. Let’s begin with some aliases that, while not necessarily worthy of an award, are certainly worthy of a response.

• Andrew “Boilers, first 5-seed to win it all!” Ables – Or, second 5-seed to not win AT all.
• Troy “Why Do I Keep Torturing Myself” Breidenbach – Because hope springs eternal, and each year we all believe we can win.
• Tyler “People Don’t Follow Name Directions” Breidenbach – You noticed that, too, huh?
• Fess “48-0, Who needs re-picks” Bryson – Apparently you will. You’ve lost 3 of your Sweet 16 and Elite 8 so far.
• Christopher “Wishes this was Buffet’s bracket pool” Charlson – As do I
• Bethany “Cares more about my bracket than my GPA” Davis – Sounds like a case of Senioritis.
• Delsi “Only Doing This Cause Dad Made Me” Fraser – That’s because Eusi needs someone to beat.
• Evan “I care about the rules” Gidley – You’re my man, Evan.
• Tom “Rules? We don’t need no stinking rules” Gidley – You no make-a the game. You no make-a the rules.
• Trevis “I Never Liked R anyway” Lithe[r]land – I put the missing “r” back in your last name, thereby fixing your name and spoiling your joke. You’re welcome.
• Wayne “IU and Purdue Fan” Murray – At least you had a backup.
• Bill “Purdue Gonna Win” Randall – Maybe next year.

And now for a few Alias Superlative awards:

• Best Hash Tag – Ryleigh “#StopMinions2k16” Lamb
• Best LOL – Monique “Slap Yo Mama” Moss
• Best Cheap Shot – David “the wizard has lost more than me” Allender
• Best Cultural Reference – Alana “Cinderella’s evil sister” Solano
• Best Homage to a Veggie Tales Song – Paul “I’ve never seen any Rocky movies” Sopke
• Best Sports Reference – Matthew “I’m just here so I don’t get fined” Muschalik
• Most Nerdy – Jared “47 6f 20 49 55 21” Adams (Go to a hex to ascii convertor on the web to decode)

Top Puns:

• Top Pun: Jason “If your chicken runs away, you should” Cooper
• Honorable Mentions:
  • Mike “WIN IT” Aue (his last name sounds like awe)
  • Mark “It’s not enough to just Partici” Pate
  • Jordan “is very” Wise

And finally,

• The Flattery Will Get You Nowhere award goes to Robert “Can I Vote for Jeff for President?” Tipton.
• The Burma Shave award once again goes to the Fairchild Family who used the alphabetical nature of the contestant listing to display the lyrics of the first line of the chorus from The Gambler. The Fairchilds will receive the complete boxed set of Kenny Rogers Greatest Hits.
• And finally, the Best Alias award for the 2016 contest goes to Karla “I’m not 50 I’m $49.95 + tax” Clair. I don’t care if she saw it on a bumper sticker. That’s just plain funny.

And now for a few awards actually relating to performance in the contest.

• No one got all 16 games correct today, but several contestants did win 15 out of 16. These contestants receive the Close Only Counts in Hand Grenades and Horseshoes award: Gary DeLong, Richard Schrimpf, Bill Spyksma, Janae Dailey, Keith Miller, Robert Tipton, Jim Heffner, Vanessa Sopke, Jeremy Elmore, RJ Wynn, Adam Lamb, and Greg Schweizer.
• The Cellar Dweller award goes to Connie Randazzo who maintained her position in last place by going 5-11 today. Perhaps Connie will make a spectacular comeback tomorrow.
• The Underdog award goes to nine contestants who correctly picked all seven upsets today: Dave Barndt, Ken Jordan, Eric Schneckloth, Ben Hand, Matthew Hickey, Bryce Hand, Andrew Bolin, John Smith, and J.R. Shrader.
• The Mr. Miaggi Beginner Luck award goes to contest rookie Dr. Brittany Heffernan who is currently tied for second and just one point off the lead.
• The Won’t You Go Home award goes to Bill Bailey, currently in a tie for 12th and 5 points off the lead.
• The Best Thing I Got In A Text Today award goes to Braden Murray, freshman at Purdue, who sent me this text: “The only upset I missed was Purdue.”
• Finally, the Yellow Jersey award goes to the winner of the first stage of our contest, Andrew Bolin, who sits alone in first with 41 points.  Andrew’s only two misses were Indiana and Kentucky (sounds like it’s personal to me), but these losses didn’t hurt him much because he didn’t miss out on any upset bonus points because of them.

And with that, I think I have run out of awards, energy, and inspiration for one day. Time for a ten and a half hour break until the madness begins anew.

Until then,

The Wizard of Whiteland

P.S. I would like to point out to Larry Shepherd that no minions were harmed or even mentioned in the composition of this commentary.

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