“I’d rather see Ashley Judd 100 times over this crying UK fan.” – Ryan Helton, Tied for 715th
Madness Abates. Sanity Returns.
After arguably the wildest opening round of the modern era, the law of averages came home to roost today, as it always does. (That’s why it’s called the LAW of averages, after all.) After going an impressive 10-18 in the opening round, the double-digit seeds were just 1-3 today. The average margin of victory in the six games won by the higher-seeded team was just under 12 points, and while there were certainly competitive games today, there were no barn burners, buzzer beaters, or logic-defying upsets of biblical proportions. It’s a good thing, too. Our brackets could not have absorbed much more abuse.
Game Thoughts
- You Can Call Me Mozart – The commentators for the Duke vs Yale game shared a human interest story regarding the unique first name of Yale star guard Makai Mason. His parents, having rather humdrum names like Dan and Susan, apparently wanted to give their son a more unique and memorable name. Ultimately the choice came down to Makai or Wolfgang. Now I’m not one to second guess another family’s parenting decisions, but this seems like a swing and miss to me. The cool factor for Wolfgang is simply off the charts. Sadly for Yale, Wolfgang-Makai was unable to orchestrate a victory over Duke, but Yale kept it respectable. The same cannot be said for…
- An Exercise In fUTE-itility – The Gonzaga Bulldogs made their 11-3 matchup with Utah look more like a 1-16 game, absolutely pummeling the Utes by 22 points. I don’t know what their biggest lead was, but it was really big. And just think, had Gonzaga not beaten St. Mary’s in the WCC tournament championship, they wouldn’t even be in this tournament! As my friend, Brad Schafer, would say, “I smell a skunk in the woodpile.”
- Stick A Fork In ‘Em, They’re Dunn – The Providence Friars have an outstanding future pro in Kris Dunn, but even his impressive 29 point performance could not save them from the wrath of the Tarheels. Believe it or not, Providence actually led this game, which they ended up losing by almost 20. Whoever said there are no dominant teams in this year’s field hasn’t watched North Carolina play lately.
- The Butler Couldn’t Do It Again – I am frankly amazed at how Butler always seems to do so much with so little, but here they were, taking on top seed Virginia and making a game of it. This one was actually still up for grabs with perhaps 3 minutes left. Roosevelt Jones takes (and makes) some of the ugliest shots ever seen on a basketball court, and tonight I learned that “Chrabascz” sounds like “Travis” when Reggie Miller says it.
- I Know Where You’re From, Honey – Have you seen the Buffalo Wild Wings commercial where the man calls his wife from B-Dubs and tells her about his experiences like a 6-year-old would talk to his mom? “I met this guy. His name is Jeff, and he’s from Kentucky, and I’m from Kentucky, too.” That’s the part where she says, “I know where you’re from, honey,” which is truly hilarious, but I digress. Actually, no, I don’t digress. That’s precisely where I was taking this train of thought. So, ironically, my name is Jeff, and I am also, technically, from Kentucky. Actually, I from a small town in southern Indiana called Madison, but I was born in Louisville about 50 miles away. Anyway, growing up in an Indiana river town as I did, I grew up speaking of Kentucky as if it were a foreign country where the enemy lived and telling very derogatory jokes about Kentuckians, none of which I will repeat here. So, it is not without some measure of smugness that I report that the only other upset of the day was Indiana’s victory over the despised Kentucky Wildcats. This was actually a competitive and highly entertaining game, and Indiana continues to impress even its most loyal fans.
Random Musings From Behind The Curtain
- Play It Again, Sam – The ubiquitous use of replay, especially in situations regarding the determination of the touching and/or releasing of the ball down to the nearest microsecond really has me marveling at the skill of the average NCAA tournament game camera crew. I mean, how do those guys always seem to have just the right angle? These guys are good, and it’s a good thing, because we all know the referees are bad.
- Is There An Orthodontist In The House? – I was watching the post-game interview with Gonzaga coach Mark Few when I realized that he has Reggie Miller’s teeth.
- From Piccolo To Saxophone – While there were mercifully no Ashley Judd cutaway shots in this year’s Kentucky games, we were treated to what has become the new face of March Sadness, ergo, the weeping female pep band member. Last year it was Villanova’s crying piccolo girl who became an instant YouTube meme. This year it is Kentucky’s crying saxophone girl. I don’t know about you, but I really looking forward to next year’s Bubba the Blubbering Tuba Player from West Virginia.
- That’s Bill for Short – Riddle me this, Batman. Why does Gonzaga coach Mark Few call Domantas Sabonis, son of former NBA great Arvydas Sabonis, “Domas” instead of “Domantas”? Is it that Domas is short for Domantas like Bill is short for William, or Joe is short for Joseph, or Jack is short for John (wait, what?)? Or, is it simply that Mark doesn’t know how to say his name? I don’t speak Lithuanian, so somebody’s going to have to help me out here.
- I Wanna Be Like…Steph? – In the Michael Jordan era, everybody wanted to soar through the air like Mike, performing gravity-defying dunks that brought the crowd to its feet. These days it seems the fast break dunk is eschewed for the pull up 40-footer. I mean, any old fool can dunk it, right? But only real men can shoot it from way down town. Perhaps we’re witnessing the next big shift in the way the game is played brought on by the man who changed it.
- Is There An Echo In Here? – So, in that Amazon Echo commercial with Alec Baldwin, is there some inside joke that we’re supposed to get? If so, I don’t get it. And while we’re asking about commercials, is that Russell Wilson holding the iPhone that’s smarting off to Lily in the AT&T commercial? And is there anyone funnier than the Allstate Mayhem guy? “I’m your cell phone, and I’m buzzing to let you know that you’re bracket’s busted.” Classic. You know what’s not classic? That Wing Street “no pants required” commercial. There are some things you can’t un-see. And speaking of things you can’t un-see…
Things I Never Want To See On Camera Ever Again
- Yale fans in blue and white pinstriped overalls
- The Seton Hall Rock Lobsters
- Ashley Judd
- Weeping pep band members
- Yale fans dressed like Santa throwing up obscene hand gestures (yes, they showed it on TV, and it took an agonizingly long time for them to cut away to a different shot)
- Pep band members slapping their derrieres whilst dancing to that timeless classic, “Low” by Flo Rida
- Players doing the worn-out “feed the beast” mime or whatever it’s called when you feign shoveling platefuls of spaghetti in your mouth after doing something on the court with which you think everyone else ought to be impressed
- Dancing rednecks in flannel shirts humiliating their wives on national television
- Reggie Miller’s teeth
Day Three Awards
Alright, minions, enough of my stream of consciousness. Let’s get on with the all-important day three awards, shall we?
- The Right Arm, Left Arm award goes to Abraham “The Hammer” Hadley. I don’t know how many sons he has (if any), but I do know that he has 86 points, which is good enough for 17th place.
- The Smack Talk award goes to David Allender who has been making regular use of his alias in creative ways to point out that he is beating me in the contest. Now, let me just remind you that I am, after all, the all-powerful Wizard, and with the press of a button, I can make all of your points go away. Not that I would ever do such a thing…
- The Apparently Beg For It In An Alias award goes to Bryce “What does a 6 y.o. have 2 do 4 a mention” Hand, or more likely, this award probably belongs to cousin Ben Hand, or dad or Uncle Hand. Aw, who cares. Let’s just give ’em all a hand. All, ahem, kidding aside, Bryce’s performance is noteworthy, as he’s currently tied for 8th with the winner of …
- The Rob Lowe DirectTV award, which goes to J.R. “Still working through the Selection Show” Shrader. Thank heaven for the DVR.
- The Blue Ribbon Award For Perfect Prognostication goes to John Wilcox and Phil Stump who each picked all 8 winners correctly today. John is currently in 255th place, while Phil is in 109th.
- The Maybe You Should Get Your Eyes Checked award goes to Dr. Jeremy Elmore, who dropped from his highest rank of 12th down to 218th by the end of the evening.
- The Rising Star award goes to Kim Schneckloth who has clawed her way from the cellar of 766th all the way up to 74th. Well done.
- The I Hate This Stupid Scoring System award goes to Tim “Boomer Sooner” Davis, who despite a winning percentage of .800, finds himself in 118th place.
- The I Told You So award goes to all-upset pickers Matthew Hickey and Eric Schneckloth who are finally getting their March Madness comeuppance and have dropped to a tie for 18th.
- The Emmitt Smith Hit Me With The Smell Good award goes 800th place minion Ben “No Idea What I’m Doing” Meyer. Let’s just say his picks could use a little freshening up. (Although I will point out that unlike HUNDREDS of contestants ahead of him in the standings, he still has all of his Final Four teams remaining in the tournament.)
- And finally, the Leader Of The Pack award goes to our current contest leader, Ken Jordan. Ken advanced on the strength of Gonzaga’s upset victory today, but with two of his Final Four and national champ already gone, he will have to rely on skilled re-picks to maintain his lead beyond the Sweet 16.
And with that, fair minions, I bid you farewell once more until we issue the final commentary prior to the re-pick round tomorrow evening. Keep an eye on Middle Tennessee and Stephen F Austin tomorrow, as a win by either one would earn a Scategories bonus for a small group of brave (or perhaps lucky) contestants.
Sleepily Yours,
The Wizard of Whiteland