Madness Defined
mad•ness – noun
- the state of being mad; insanity
- senseless folly
- frenzy; rage
- intense excitement or enthusiasm
Why the English lesson? Because if we are to truly appreciate our three week sojourn into March Madness, we need a clear understanding of terms. It seems to me that all four definitions (brought to you by dictionary.com) aptly describe not only the NCAA Men’s Basketball Tournament, but also the entire experience for us, the fans, who enter Jeff’s March Madness Contest.
Is our contest insane? No question! It has been said that insanity is doing the same thing repeatedly while expecting a different result, and year after year, many of you pick the same hometown favorites, the same long-shot underdogs, expecting to hit the jackpot while all of not only history but sheer mathematics is against you.
Is it senseless folly? We take vacation days. We huddle around our laptops at work, streaming the games until the boss walks up. We watch basketball from noon past midnight barely taking a break eat, use the bathroom, or acknowledge family members, only to plod bleary eyed into work the next morning anxious to do it all over again.
Frenzy? Rage? Our wives hide any solid object that could be thrown through the new 50 inch Vizzie, knowing that when our best pick goes down in flames in the first round, it will be.
Intense excitement and enthusiams? The next sound you hear from the basement is your teenage son screaming with the thrill of victory or the agony of defeat. Without a doubt, March Madness is the greatest of all sporting events, unmatched in drama, euphoria, and palpitations of the heart. Strap in, folks. It’s about to get crazy up in here.
A New Record!
Once again we have set a new record for the number of entries in the contest. This year’s tally is a whopping 514 entries! Thanks to all of you for entering and making this year’s contest the biggest (and hopefully best) ever.
Obligatory Statistical Reminders
Due to an underwhelming lack of requests, I feel compelled to force feed you the yearly run down of the statistical oddities I call the “Iron Laws” of March Madness. They are so named because they designate events which, so far, have never happened. If history is instructive, keep these commandments, my children, and it will go well with you.
Iron Laws
- Thou shalt not pick a 16 seed to win a game. They are 0-104…and counting.
- Thou shalt not pick a 7 seed to make the Final Four. Seven may be both lucky and perfect, but in March Madness, it is neither.
- Thou shalt not pick a 5 seed to win a national championship. Unlikely as it may seem, no 5 seed has ever done it.
- Thou shalt not pick a team from the Northeastern conference to win a game. This year’s representative is Long Island.
- Thou shalt not pick a national champion who lost the first game they played in their year-end conference tournament. That would be Pittsburgh this year.
Name Game
One of the most enjoyable aspects of the contest, at least for me, are the various forms of self-expression contestants bring via their entry aliases. I confess that I am a sucker for a good pun. Ok, I’m a sucker for a bad pun, as well. Here are the aliases I find the most punny this year.
- Jonathan “Lend-A Helping” Hand
- Brian “Rainbow” Trout
- Steve “Izzo Verated” Fifield
- Scott “Ida Zervbetter” Whitlow
- Larry “Bird” Brown
- Brad “Sum Dum Gai” Schafer
- Dan “the” Mandara
- Chloe “Little” Zittle
- Paul “maybe this year I’ll be The Great” Alexander
- Scott “Bower Rangers” Bower
- Jon “The Baptist” Merritt
- Nathan “I-rish the Irish smoke PU” Inskeep
- Dennis “the Menace” Livingston
- Nicholas “C M Ewin” Kusiak
- Josh “The Cinder-Fella” Pearman
But my hands down favorite alias this year is RJ “just broke” Wynn. Now that’s very punny.
Aside from the puns, there are other aliases that just beg for a retort, to wit:
- Maggie “Fierce Koala” Hayes – No that’s irony if I’ve ever seen it.
- Jonathan “sanity is madness put to good use” Barndt – Let’s hope you’re right.
- Tim “My picks they’re Greaaaaaat!” Daugherty – No, you’re confusing your picks with your Frosted Flakes.
- Chad “I’ll sell you my gold pants” Wright – Try CashForGold.com.
- Shane “I can’t spell my last name” Vaiskauskas – Spell it? I can’t pronounce it.
- Trevis “Expect Value not Probability” Litherland – Thanks for clearing that up. I might not have been able to sleep tonight.
- Eric “64 was enough” Thomas – Amen.
- Kip “Trust me I’m a doctor” Layman – Let’s hope you diagnose better than you prognosticate.
- Rachelle “I may lose this contest, but let’s race” Layman – What kind of idiot do you think I am?
- Chris “Never go against a Sicilian in March” Randazzo Sr. – Don’t tug on Superman’s cape, either.
- Daniel “Black Lamborghini” Labbato – Yeah…right.
- Zach “Why not Notre Dame?” Richardson – Oh, let me count the ways.
- Bryson “I miss Gordon Hayward” Davis – Not nearly as much as Butler.
- Heather “All the voices in my head” Schafer – Ignore the one that sounds like Brad.
- Tony “Don’t forget to remember your picks” Smurlo – What was that again?
- Jacques “Don’t blame me, talk to the coin…” Jessen – Excellent methodology.
- Dave “Just bring KNIGHT back!!!” Allender – Let’s not and say we did.
- Scott “63 Guesses” Moore – To go along with 63 losses.
- Tony “Best Mascot Wins” Heard – The Peacocks don’t have a chance.
- Jeff “I hate Duke” Davis – So do I.
- Ziggy “Can I pick both teams?” Kowalski – No.
- Braden “The Human Dust Mop” Murray – Would you care to elaborate on that a little bit?
- Evan “Who needs the NFL anyway?” Gidley – Apparently not the players.
- Paul “JackWagon” Scott – I saw your self confidence in Mamby Pamby Land.
- Toby “shankapotomus” Risner – We need to get a round in.
- Jim “taking March off” Cockrum – Don’t you take every month off? (Ok, that was cold, sorry.)
- Lori “I picked UK but they aint gonna win it” Boswell – Then why pick them?
- Cayden “I’m not gonna win again” Bauschek – You got that right.
- Traci “If you can’t beat them…” Murray – Cheat them?
- David “KY Cat’s Scratch Fever” Quint – Ted Nugent would be proud.
- Bethany “probably won’t watch a single game” Davis – Loser!
Speaking of Names…
Those with good memories or excellent Google skills will remember that last year I derided the Gauchos of UC Santa Barbara for having the most ridiculous mascot in all of basketball. I called them the “Fighting Ladies Pants“, and as I recall, they did not disappoint when it came to living up (or perhaps down) to their name. Well, the stylish Ladies Pants are back in the fray this year, but I must report that they no longer hold the dubious honor of the tournament’s worst mascot. No, this year that award belongs to the St. Peter’s Peacocks. Never in the history of sport has a team mascot been more worthy of ridicule. I mean, come on. Peacocks? Really? In the vast taxonomy of God’s animal kingdom the Peacock was the best you could come up with? How would you like to be the guy in the Peacock suit? Ok, ok, maybe I am being too harsh. I am sure the fighting Peacocks will play with a lot of pride when they strut their stuff against the Purdue Boilermakers. They’re likely to come through with flying colors.
On the flip side, the coolest mascot in the tournament has to belong to the Akron Zips. The Zips sport the loveable marsupial from down under, the kangaroo, as their mascot. Now, as far as animals go, it just doesn’t get much cooler than the kangaroo. It’s even fun to say. Try it. “Kangaroo”.
Fun Kangaroo Facts
- Kangaroos can hop up to 40 miles per hour.
- Kangaroos use their tails as a third leg.
- Most kangaroos cannot move their hind legs independently.
- Kangaroos are capable of going months without drinking any water at all.
- A baby kangaroo is called a joey.
- Kangaroos travel in groups called mobs up to 100 in number.
- The red kangaroo can be up to 9 feet tall.
A Few Quick Awards
- The That Strategy Never Works award goes to Lucas Drone who picked 28 of the 32 first round games to be won by the lower seed. Undoubtedly Lucas picked all the lower seeds except for the #1s, thereby guaranteeing that he will collect all the available upset points. The plan is to then smartly re-pick the last 15 games after round two and hope that he has gained enough upset points in the first round to win. Lucas, this has been tried. Someone tries every year. It has not worked in the past. It will not work this year, either.
- The Chalk It Up award goes to Caleb Davis, Steve Blevins, and Rebecca Harper who each picked “according to chalk”, meaning they picked the better seed, for every first round game. This strategy has also been tried in the past, and it also has never worked. To win my contest, you MUST pick some upsets. Year after year conservative pickers win lots of games and yet finish way down in the standings due to a lack of upset bonus points.
- The Just In The Nick Of Time award goes to the last contestant to enter the contest. He actually called me right before the deadline to let me know he had to enter from work, and because of that, had to use a pseudonym rather than his real name. Maybe he works for the CIA. I don’t know. Anyway, out of respect for his anonymity, the award goes to one Mortimer Snerd. Don’t worry, Mortimer. Your secret is safe with me!
And now it’s time for some actual basketball, although I must confess my real job (for which I am quite thankful, by the way) is really going to cut in to my basketball watching time today and tomorrow. Stay tuned later this evening for our first salvo of commentary and awards.
The Wizard of Whiteland