“Gonzaga plays in a truck stop conference. Mop up Sisters of the Poor. This is the Conference of Champions.”

Bill Walton

That quote came in a Pac 12 tournament game I happened to be watching in March of 2017. Walton complained that Gonzaga barely deserved a bid to the tournament, let alone a number one seed in the West. The conversation with play-by-play announcer Dave Pasch (perhaps the most longsuffering soul in all of sports broadcasting) went something like this:

Walton – “Arizona and Oregon are better than Gonzaga.”
Pasch – “You know Zaga beat Zona, right?”
Walton – “That was a meaningless game.”

Wut? Oh, the impeccable logic of Bill Walton. That year Gonzaga received the number 1 seed in the West and advanced all the way to the National Championship game where they lost a heartbreaker to North Carolina. The following year, Walton doubled down on his truck stop rhetoric, saying that he was tired of automatic bids being given to truck stops. “Put the best 64 teams in the tournament, please!” While I suppose one could argue the merits of inviting teams likely to be trounced in a 1 vs 16 game (although there was this team called UMBC, but I digress), the fact that Mr. Walton lumped the Gonzaga Bulldogs in with that group is laughably ridiculous.

This year’s Gonzaga squad is reminiscent of one of John Calipari’s Kentucky teams where the second unit would likely make the tournament were they a team of their own. The difference is that these Bulldogs are not one-and-done freshman, but seasoned upper classmen, which should make them all the more terrifying to anyone having to face them. The Oklahoma team they played today is an excellent team, and yes they lead by as many as eight points early in the game. The Sooners’ Austin Reaves is as good a basketball player as I have ever seen. Oklahoma blocked shots, disrupted the Gonzaga offense, made clutch three pointers, and generally played tough, solid basketball for the entire game…and lost by 16 points.

I am well aware of the curse of the undefeated team, and I also acknowledge that I’m the ultimate Gonzaga homer. But this team is special, and if anyone has what it takes to be the first undefeated national champion in a generation, it’s the Gonzaga Bulldogs.

In other news, Walton’s Conference of Champions is certainly living up to that name. Qualifying just five teams for the tournament, and one of those having to play in from the First Four (UCLA), four of the five remain in the Sweet Sixteen. Contrast that with the B1G who qualified nine teams including two of the four number 1 seeds and yet have just one team remaining. When it comes to Big Ten basketball, apparently, the truck stops here.

What A Difference A Day Makes

The first half of the round of 32 games were played yesterday. The average margin of victory in those games was 8.75 points. Fast forward to today where the average margin of victory was an eye-popping 19.25 points! Only one team today managed to avoid being trounced by double digits, and that was LSU who lost to Michigan by eight. Kansas suffered its worst NCAA tournament defeat ever, getting shellacked by USC (there’s that conference of champions again) by 34 points!

To put it bluntly, these games were mostly stinkers that were not competitive beyond the first 10 minutes with the exception of the aforementioned Michigan vs LSU game. Any worries about the Oregon Ducks being rusty having not played their first round game due to COVID-19 issues for their opponent were quickly erased as they hung 95 points on Iowa. Abilene Christian’s Cinderella story ended with their pumpkins smashed by UCLA. Florida State brought their usual line up of very large humans along with the highest dunk total in the tournament to slam Colorado by 18. And the Alabama Crimson Tide rolled over Maryland by 19 on their way to a date with the Bruins.

And Now, A Word From Our Sponsors

If you watch a lot of basketball during March Madness, one thing is inevitable. You will see the same five to ten commercials at least twenty times each. This year is no exception, and I am beginning to settle on my assessment of the best and worst of the bunch.

The Turbo Tax “Free, free free free” commercials are a weak attempt to rip off the cleverness of the pantheon of GEICO ads, and, they are incredibly annoying. There’s only one character I can hear say the same thing over and over and still be entertained, and that’s Groot. The 80s jazzercize dude is no Groot.

The Capital One ads with Sam, Spike, Chuck, and Jim continue to amuse. The new ad where Chuck dreams of going to Atlanta (the intended site of last year’s canceled Final Four) on a train and singing “Midnight Train to Georgia” with Gladys Knight as a member of the Pips is a classic. If you haven’t seen it, once the guys wake Chuck up from his dream and remind him that they didn’t go last year, he asks, “Where are we going this year?” The scene then cuts to Sam, Spike, and Chuck dressed like the Jackson Five and singing “Going Back to Indiana”.

The Hanes underwear commercial where the guy talks about “balance”…just, TMI, man. Seriously.

Finally, the Uber Eats ads that have been running since around Super Bowl time I have found to be largely bizarre and unfunny. I still don’t understand what the faux feud between Mark Hamill and Sir Patrick Stewart is supposed to be about, or what it has to do with delivered food, but, the latest spot with Leslie Jones encountering her year-ago-quarantine self is actually quite funny. “You’re a mess!” “EVERYBODY WAS A MESS!!” Ain’t that the truth.

Random Thoughts From the Grab Bag

• My condolences to the fifteen Oklahomers whose bid at a scategories bonus fell flat thanks to Gonzaga.
• I saw Creighton’s Damien Jefferson do the accidental splits. It looked quite painful.
• Color commentator and former coach Steve Lappas sounds an awful lot like Jeff Van Gundy on air. And he is equally irritating.
• A bag of Starburst Jelly Beans contains fourteen servings according to the label. I have consumed seven servings just while writing this commentary.
• This year’s tournament schedule has me wondering what day it is. Round one started on Friday instead of Thursday and ended on Monday instead of Sunday. The Sweet Sixteen round doesn’t start until Saturday instead of the usual Thursday, and the regional championship games (aka the Elite Eight, a moniker I despise for reasons I can’t explain but have discussed at length in commentaries from years past) are being played on Monday and Tuesday of next week. The only thing normal about this year’s tournament schedule is the Final Four.
• Four double digit seeds advanced to the Sweet Sixteen: ORU (15), Oregon St (12), Syracuse (11), and UCLA (11). No team seeded higher than 11 has ever made the Final Four. Here’s my bold prediction: they still won’t. ORU has Arkansas and then Baylor or Villanova in front of them. On paper, Oregon State has an easier path. They face 8 seed Loyola of Chicago next, and then would have to beat either number 2 Houston or number 11 Syracuse. Honestly, my money is on Syracuse coming out of that region now that Illinois is gone.
• You know those pharmaceutical commercials where they are required by law to list all the possible side effects of the medication? I find it sadistically comical sometimes, especially when the side effects include things like “possible stroke or death”. Anyway, through my own non-scientific study and careful observation, I have concluded that watching roughly 48 hours of basketball over the course of four days and then writing witty commentary on said games and the 730+ people who attempted to pick the winners can lead to sleeplessness, headache, eyestrain, carpal tunnel syndrome, backache, narcolepsy, leg cramps, irritability, weight gain, and hair loss. Please consult your primary care physician before considering assuming the role of the next contest Wizard.

Round of 32 Awards

Ok, let’s hand out some awards so I can pass out for a few days. Remember that the re-pick phase of the contest starts today and runs through 2:30 PM on Saturday, March 27th.

• The Ocean’s 11 award goes to three contestants who got 11 out of 16 of the Sweet Sixteen correct. Yes, picking the Sweet Sixteen was difficult this year. The award goes to Samuel “Don’t Call Me Newt” Gingerich, Jason “Crazy Train” Roehl, and Duane “Don’t Cry” Wolfe. Those aren’t their real aliases, by the way. I just wanted to do my best Chris Berman. Each winner will receive an autographed photo of George Clooney and a poker chip from the Bellagio.
• The Cleveland Browns and Detroit Lions Award For Utter Futility goes to the two contestants who, like the 2008 Lions and the 2017 Browns, went 0-16 in the round of 32. The winners are Paul Smith and Martin Schernus. Gentlemen, the re-pick round was invented with you in mind.
• The My Little Sister Is Now Officially Insufferable award goes to 728th place contestant Karis Wynn. This award will make more sense as you read on.
• The Hey, Who’s The New Guy? award goes to 270th place minion Jeremy Little, the first Little to enter the contest who is not a member of our family (as far as I can remember).
• Finally, the Youngest Wynner award goes to our contest leader, 7-year-old phenom Brielle “Baby B” Wynn. Yes, 732 contestants are being beaten by a 7-year-old kid. Shoot me now.

With that, it’s time for the wizard to step back behind the curtain for a few days. Get your re-picks completed before Saturday at 2:30 PM, and good luck with the remainder of the contest!