“A cinema villain essentially needs a moustache so he can twiddle with it gleefully as he cooks up his next nasty plan.”

Mel Brooks

Day two of this year’s Sweet Sixteen provided three blowouts and a barn burner…sort of. Blowouts make the task of writing the commentary more difficult, because I have to come up with interesting and compelling things to say about a game that was neither interesting nor compelling for the most part. I could resort to worn out sports cliches or silly hyperboles such as “They beat them so bad their ancestors were embarrassed,” but let’s see if I can do better than that.

Moustache Madness

I moustache you a question. How is anyone going to beat the Gonzaga Bulldogs? So far they have beaten both Oklahoma and Creighton, two very good teams, by eighteen points each. In today’s contest, Corey Kispert had a lackluster performance, and Drew Timme, he of the handlebar moustache, spent significant time on the bench in foul trouble. The result? The rest of the team extended the lead from twelve to twenty-five faster than you could say Hinkle Fieldhouse. Now, it stands to reason that teams with more size such as USC and Michigan could challenge them, or a team that plays handcuff defense such as Houston, but in truth, this team is so balanced, so crisp, so well coached, and so loaded with weapons, I think that the only team that can truly beat Gonzaga is Gonzaga. Today they became only the third team in 40 years to make the Elite Eight undefeated. They are halfway to the holy grail of an undefeated season. Next up for the Zags…

Did USC The Mobley Brothers?

In the first meeting of two Pac 12 teams in the tournament, the two near-seven-footers Isaiah and Evan Mobley made the poor Oregon Ducks look silly. To be fair, the Ducks did try to mount something resembling a comeback in the second half, but they couldn’t stay out of their own way (there’s one of those sports cliches, in case you’re playing sports cliche bingo at home), committing silly turnovers and just generally seeming discombobulated for the entire 40 minutes. Joining the Trojans in the Elite Eight is another Pac 12 squad…

That’s “Tyger” With A “Y”

In what was clearly the best game of the night, and perhaps the weekend, the UCLA Bruins outlasted #2 seed Alabama in overtime to join USC in the Elite Eight, the first time in history both schools have appeared in the final eight in the same tournament. UCLA’s Tyger Campbell was the unlikely hero in overtime after star player Johnny Juzang fouled out with about two minutes to go in regulation.

This game had a little bit of everything, and I can’t help but believe that the Tide will look back on this one as the one that got away. The final score showed a difference of ten points, but that was due to UCLA basically taking the game over in overtime. In regulation, Alabama missed fourteen free throws, including three missed out of four in the final minute by standout senior Herbert Jones. The game started poorly for Jones, who picked up two fouls in the first 41 seconds and played only six minutes in the first half. Yet despite all of their ineptitude, including the aforementioned atrocious free throw shooting and going 25% from three point range, Alabama managed to tie the ballgame at the buzzer with a stone cold three pointer from Alex Reese. Alas, it was for naught, as the Bruins dominated the overtime to survive and advance. UCLA becomes only the second First Four team to advance to the Elite Eight, the first being 2011’s VCU, who made it to the Final Four that year.

Baggy Britches Be Gone!

One of the more curious moments in the UCLA vs Alabama game came when the referees went to the monitor to review a play to determine who last touched the ball before going out of bounds. Replay clearly showed the ball bouncing off a UCLA defender’s foot and then between the legs of Alabama’s John Petty, Jr., seemingly giving the ball to Alabama, which was the initial call. However, after reviewing the play from about two dozen different camera angles in super slo-mo, it was determined that the ball actually brushed the leg of Petty’s baggy shorts before heading out of bounds. I suppose the uniform is deemed to be part of the player, as the ball was awarded to UCLA, much to the disbelief of Mr. Petty. Alert minion Adam Lamb agreed with my assessment via text message that we will soon see a wave of spandex in college basketball because of this mishap, or maybe those 80s-style short shorts will make a comeback.

We Put the “1” in B1G

I thought that Florida State’s size and depth would give Michigan trouble, but the Wolverines had no trouble at all with the Seminoles. In fact, I’m not entirely certain that Florida State actually showed up for this game. There was nothing memorable about this game at all, other than the Big Ten’s lone remaining representative and #1 seed advanced easily.

Who’s Left?

The regional semifinal matchups are now set, and a wee bit of normalcy has returned to the tournament. Three of the four #1 seeds still remain: Baylor, Gonzaga, and Michigan. Alongside them we have a #2 in Houston a #3 in Arkansas, and a #6 in USC. UCLA joins a surprisingly long list of successful #11 seeds with a shot at the Final Four, and the field is rounded out by the true Cinderella, #12 seed Oregon State. With the Pac 12 sporting a 12-2 record in the tournament (13-2 if you count UCLA’s First Four victory), and the fact that no Pac 12 team has lost to anyone outside their conference so far in this tournament, one has to wonder if the Beavers will make history by being the first team seeded higher than 11 to make the Final Four. It will be a tough task for the Beavers. Houston plays their own style of basketbrawl, winning games in the 50s and abusing teams with suffocating defense and excellent shot blocking. I know I repeat myself, but Houston can make the final four without ever having to play a team seeded better than 10.

In Other News…

Those subway commercials featuring the NBA’s Jason Tatum and Draymond Green make one thing abundantly clear: those dudes have extremely large hands! Folks, they are holding footlong subs in one hand, and they look like magic markers or something. I don’t know about you, but I need two hands to eat my footlong meatball marinara. Anyway, the ads present an apparent grudge match between team Jason, whose sub features bacon, and team Draymond, whose sub features steak. Which is it for you? Bacon or steak?

Also this just in via my wife, Heather Little – the great toilet paper shortage of 2020 may be making another appearance in 2021, but it has nothing to do with COVID-19. File this one under truth is stranger than fiction. Apparently, the supply chain is facing a serious interruption because a cargo ship has somehow managed to get stuck sideways in the Suez Canal. How does that happen, exactly? Admittedly, I know nothing of piloting giant cargo ships, and the Suez Canal must be fairly narrow at least at one point, because apparently it is possible for a single ship turned sideways to block the whole thing. The crew of professionals hired to extricate the ship (who knew there were people whose job it was to handle such incidents?) says it will take several days to complete the job, and wood pulp industry experts say this could be disruptive enough to cause shortages if stores do not have sufficient inventory. Far be it from me to cause the next wave of panic buying, but if you are out of TP, you might want to go get a package or two. Don’t squeeze the Charmin.

Finally, I would be remiss if I did not acknowledge the cleverness of the ongoing ad campaign for Progressive Insurance featuring Flo, Jamie, and the rest of the gang. One of the latest installments that has been getting heavy rotation during March Madness is what I have personally titled, “Jamie’s Ride Along With Beth”. In it, Jamie plays the part of safe driving observer, promising a discount to the driver, Beth, if she drives safely. What follows is a sequence of hilarious hijinks from Jamie involving pulled pork barbecue, snoring, dubstep, and a pile of trash on the roadside with a sign reading “Free Wood”, to which Jamie asks incredulously, “Who just gives away wood?” The punch line is that Progressive offers an app that performs the safe driving monitoring function, the revelation of which prompts Beth to literally kick Jamie to the curb. I do not know where Progressive got these immensely talented actors, but they certainly hit the jackpot. Progressive has some of the most memorable ads of the last decade. The actor that plays Flo has Eddie Murphy or Tyler Perry level talent, able to play no less than five different members of her own fictional family by herself. Bravo, Progressive.

In Still Other News of the Sporting Type…

In case you missed it, the NBA is a real dumpster fire right now. A large portion of the marquee players are either injured or “resting” on a regular basis, i.e., skipping games for no apparent reason other than they do not want to play. (Side note: if players really need to rest as often as they are now, then the season is too long.) I imagine that the bubble experience of last fall followed by a shortened off season followed by a strangely coordinated and shortened regular season with strict health and safety protocols, teams relocated to other cities (i.e., Toronto has spent the entire season in the Tampa area), and games played in still empty or mostly empty arenas have taken their toll on the collective psyche of the players. I mean, why be motivated to play yet another game in a cavernous, empty or mostly empty arena? That being said, the product in its present form is frankly not very good, and I am not entirely sure what needs to be done, but I am confident that something needs to be done.

As another side, lest I get hate mail from angry NBA devotees, I do not believe that a truly injured player should be forced to play. Not at all. But the charade of having to come up with faux injuries (the ubiquitous “back tightness” comes to mind) to justify players sitting out is becoming a real farce. It almost seems as if the NBA as a organization has forgotten who the paying customers are and what they are paying for, and that is to watch the best basketball players in the world play basketball.

A Few Awards

If you’ve read this far, you’re either really bored, a dedicated contest veteran, or a member of my immediate family. Actually, no. My immediate family members probably stopped reading several paragraphs ago, or they have simply skipped down to this section because, let’s be honest – the awards are what most folks care about the most.

• The Pieces of Eight award goes to the lone contestant who got all eight winners correct this weekend, though she had to use the re-picks to do it. Still an impressive feat, since only one person did it, the award goes to 23rd place contestant Patricia Carson. Patricia will receive an autographed picture of Johnny Depp as Jack Sparrow.
• The Be An Original award goes to the contestant who got the most of the eight games correct without using re-picks. That number is six out of eight, and the winner is Zach Richardson, he of the “Sister Jean’s Holy Bracket”. Zach is currently in 202nd place.
• The Demographically Challenged award goes to 8th place contestant Ann Barndt, who emailed me because she was having trouble figuring out which of the age-group-specific Grudge Match reports applied to her. For the rest of you quinquagenarians out there, like Ann and me, the report you are looking for is “March Madness 5-0”. The reason I named it that is kind of a long story, but it is loosely based on the old TV show “Hawai’i 5-0”, but more so influenced by the name of a fellowship group our church had a few years ago for people in their 50s. It was called “Grace 5-0”, and now you know the rest of the story.
• The Upper Hand award, given in honor of the Progressive commercial of the same name in which the previously mentioned Flo appears, goes to 10th place contestant Bryce Hand, current leader among the Hand clan that enters every year. Congrats, Bryce, but your wayward pinky is grotesque.
• Finally, the Hoping To See The Checkered Flag Before I Run Out Of Gas award goes to our still-in-the-lead frontrunner Emi Grunden, whose true first name I still do not know, and whose remaining picks are all re-picks except for Oregon State making the Final Four. While she has a sizeable lead of twelve points, the fact that she has to pay the re-pick tax for every additional game she gets right except that one could allow those chasing her to overtake. An Oregon State victory would be worth a sizeable scategories bonus, though, and could put her out of reach.

Next up we continue with a tournament unlike any other with the regional final games being played on Monday and Tuesday instead of Saturday and Sunday. More analysis, rambling, and awards to come, so stay tuned!