“Texas is so wrapped up in myth and legend, it’s hard to know what the state and its people are really about. Real Texans, raised on these myths and legends, sometimes become legends themselves.”

Joe R. Lansdale

Kyle is the Guy…again. Charles Barkley swallows hard and congratulates Virginia. And Clark Kellogg tells it like it is.

Phinal Phour Philosophizing

• Blow out the candles. I went to a Final Four party today where some kid was also having a birthday. OK, actually it was my nephew’s 3rd birthday party, but I spent most of the time in front of the TV. Lest you think I’m a heartless old Wizard, I did take time out to sing happy birthday and watch him open a few presents. The poor child is mostly scared of me, anyway.
• Who let the dogs out? Speaking of the birthday party, my brother’s house has gone to the dogs…literally. I spent the afternoon stepping over two fat puggles intensely begging for a scrap from my plate and a hyperactive pup who was extremely happy to see anyone within three feet of him. I know, I know – heartless old Wizard. I am many things. An animal lover is not one of them. Pets are like children who never grow up, learn to take care of themselves, and leave home. Apologies to all the dog and cat loving minions reading this. Actually, no, I do not apologize to cat lovers. Cats are evil.
• Unhappy advertisers must be miffed at Virginia and Auburn. They played from the about the 5:30 mark of the first half all the way to the horn without a single stoppage of play, ergo, the “under-4:00” media timeout never happened. This game had 24 personal fouls total – 12 for each team – and just 26 free throw attempts. In contrast, Texas Tech and Michigan State had 33 personal fouls and 31 free throw attempts, which is honestly amazing given how physical that game was. Speaking of physical…
• Basketbrawl is back and better than ever. I can say this now, because the opponent was not Gonzaga tonight. Texas Tech plays great defense. They have quick hands, and Tariq Owens is a shot-blocking machine. They also push, pull, pinch, grab, shove, hold, scratch, claw, bite, poke, gouge, and generally get away with everything short of fisticuffs. The Red Raiders were called for 18 personal fouls and not called for about 28 more. Yes, the Spartans also played physically, because they had to. When you play Texas Tech, you match their physicality or you lose. Those are your choices. Even Tom Izzo said in the post-game interview, “The tougher team won.” If the Monday night crew allows Texas Tech to play their gritty style, I think they have a great chance to win.
• Fun socks, dude! Cool socks are all the rage. My daughter, Amber Little, has a pair with beakers, test tubes, and other assorted chemistry paraphernalia on them (Chemical Engineering Major). I have a pair of super cool golf socks. Alert minion Shelly Schrimpf posted a picture of the Texas Tech trainer’s socks bearing rolls of toilet paper and plungers in the Facebook group. Not sure what kind of statement those socks are intended to make, but I think I will just leave that alone.
• Stats and analytics are a focal point in today’s sports. One oft-hyped stat in basketball is points in the paint, ostensibly points scored in the “painted area” of the floor inside the three-second lane. But what if the painted area isn’t painted? You see this more and more these days with floor designs opting for a sort of inversion, as is the case with this year’s Final Four, where the painted area is not painted, but the area between the lane and the three point line is painted. This must be troublesome for the statisticians, and I am shocked no mention is made of it. Does that change what is considered points in the paint? Or should we call them points in the not-paint instead? I find this horribly triggering for my OCD, and I think something should be done about it.
• The BSOD (Blue Screen Of Death) reared its ugly head on my computer yesterday, leading to a trip to the local Best Buy for a new hard drive. Before all of you Mac snobs start hurling the “if you’d buy a Mac that wouldn’t happen” jabs at me, please re-read the part about “new hard drive”. It was a hardware failure. Even Macs cannot overcome a hardware failure. But, I’m sure I’ll still get an email from wiseguy@icloud.com claiming he dropped his MacBook Pro from a fourth floor window onto the concrete below and it still worked like a champ. Anyway, thanks to the miracle of Ubuntu 18.04 and virtual machines, I was back up in no time, and that is how I am able to sit here and grind out another witty commentary for you fine folks. OK, so leaving Nerdville now, we will return to NCAA basketball…
• Did anyone catch the high-stepping referee in the Michigan State-Texas Tech game? Whenever he had to run down the court, he stood upright and brought his knees up nearly chest high like an Olympic sprinter. It was quite comical, actually, but hey, his form was superb! Unfortunately, we cannot say the same thing about the crew from the first game, and no, I am not referring to the foul called on Kyle Guy’s shot at the buzzer. That call was correct – an obvious foul. The problematic call was the one that was missed a moment earlier when Virginia’s Ty Jerome dribbled the ball off his own heel, grabbed it with both hands, and then started another dribble, clearly a double-dribble violation. To their credit, the announcers and even Auburn coach Bruce Pearl refused to throw the officials under the bus, saying that a game is a collection of many things whose outcome is not determined by a single event. Well said. Still, it will be difficult for Auburn fans especially to think of this game in any other context, and that’s unfortunate, because it is true that Kyle Guy should have never had an opportunity to even take that shot…unless of course there were a steal on the ensuing inbound that Auburn should have had, followed by an incredible buzzer beater that went in or a foul on that hypothetical play. Hopefully you see what I am getting at. What-ifs and conjecture are pointless. What actually happened is that Kyle Guy calmly hit three free throws to win the game in heart-stopping (if you’re a Wahoo) or heart-breaking (if you’re a Tiger) fashion.
• The first scategories bonus has finally been awarded to nine contestants out of 869 who picked Texas Tech to advance to the championship game. Those nine received a massive 48 points for that win, vaulting them up the standings. Christy Bowen was perhaps the biggest beneficiary, moving from 800th all the way up to 85th. Now, I realize some might protest that a single game shouldn’t be worth that much. “It makes it too easy. All you have to do is pick one team, and you practically win the whole thing even if you miss most of the other games.” OK, if it’s so easy, why didn’t you pick them? Exactly. It wasn’t easy picking Texas Tech, which is why those nine brave souls were rewarded handsomely for it.
• A bit of history has been made in this year’s tournament. It is the first time since 1979, and the first time ever in the 64-team era, that two first-time participants in a national championship game are playing each other. That 1979 game was fairly memorable. You might recognize the two marquee players for each team: Magic Johnson (Michigan State) and Larry Bird (Indiana State).
• Who’s going to win on Monday? Good question. With two teams who have made their hay in this tournament on strong defense, it is a game that could very well be played in the 40s. However, both teams do have shooters and scorers as well, so it may not end up being as watching-paying-dry dull as I fear it could be. I think the status of Tariq Owens for Texas Tech is critical, as he is their primary defender and rim protector. That being said, Texas Tech is arguably the deepest team in the tournament, and that non-stop onslaught of fresh players from the bench has just worn teams out so far. I can’t help but think that destiny is in Virginia’s corner, though. After becoming the first team ever to lose to a 16 seed in spectacular fashion last season, they are on a mission to bury that horrible memory and prove their mettle. I will take Virginia to win, which given my performance since the Sweet Sixteen, is almost certainly the kiss of death and a virtual guarantee for Texas tech.

Quick Awards

• The I Couldn’t Have Said It Better Myself award goes to CBS analyst Clark Kellogg, who somehow drew the short straw and ended up on the crew that normally works NBA games for TNT: Ernie Johnson, Kenny Smith, and Charles Barkley. I believe it was Ernie (it’s always Ernie) who introduced the final segment with something like, “Let’s wrap-up this up real quick. Who do you have in the championship game?” After several minutes of rambling banter primarily between Kenny and Charles, Clark quipped, “This is the longest quick wrap-up I’ve ever seen!” That was funny, but I am pretty sure he was completely serious.
• The I Feel Your Pain award goes to Dylan “It was fun while it lasted” Scheumann, leader of the contest no more. Currently in 3rd, Dylan still has Virginia as national champ, but he cannot win the contest.
• The You Have Been Voted Off The Island award goes to Braden Murray who spent about two hours in 7th place with high hopes of winning the contest, a feat he would have accomplished with a Michigan State national championship. Thanks for playing. Better luck next year.
• The I Love This Awesome Scoring System award goes to William Hernandez who has picked more games wrong than right and yet still is in 14th place thanks to the Texas Tech pick. Great job, William!
• The TTYL I’m a TTRR! award goes to Hans “TTRR!” Koebele, who has risen like the Kraken from the murky depths of 756th all the way to 10th.
• The Always A Bridesmaid award goes to Andrew Ables who is currently in 2nd but cannot win no matter what happens on Monday.
• And finally, the Clash Of The Titans award goes to the two contestant who are vying for victory in the 24th annual Jeff’s March Madness Contest: Shelly Schrimpf, currently leading the contest, and her challenger, Matthew Muschalik, currently in 4th. A Virginia win gives the contest to Shelly, while a Texas Tech victory gives the Ultimate Scategories Bonus of 96 points to Matthew and contest win by a wide margin.

And with that, I bid you adieu until the final commentary, which will be published in the wee hours of Tuesday morning thanks to the NCAA’s ridiculous practice of tipping off the national championship game at 9:20 PM EDT. Would it really hurt them to start this game even an hour earlier? Some of us do have to go work on Tuesday morning, you know. I guess 9:20 pm is 6:20 pm on the west coast, but there are no west coast teams in this game. Even Lubbock, Texas is only an hour behind, so you could still start the game at 8:00 and give all those Texans time to get home from work, grab some wings or pizza rolls or whatever they eat in Lubbock, and settle in front of the TV. Am I right? Who’s with me?

Sleepily Yours,

The Wizard of Whiteland

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