Awards. Just Awards.
Traditionally on this night I have provided commentary and no or only a few awards. I’ve decided on a complete reversal this year, dispensing with the commentary and offering just awards…with some commentary mixed in, of course.
- The Cool Cats award goes to the Kentucky Wildcats, who have won five games in a row playing some of the best basketball I’ve seen in the tournament.
- The Express Your Self award goes to Kansas Jayhawks coach Bill Self, whose team has also won five games in a row by playing some of the worst basketball I’ve seen in the tournament. I don’t see how this team beat Purdue, much less Ohio State.
- The What’s A Matta U award goes to Ohio State coach Thad Matta, who once again carried on the grand tradition of Ohio State Division I sports coaches’ ability to snatch defeat right out of the jaws of victory. Somewhere Jim Tressel is snickering.
- The Dunkin’ Donuts award goes to the Louisville Cardinals, who might have had better luck dunking donuts than basketballs today. Perhaps it is the presence of Anthony “The Unibrow” Davis, but I have never seen so many missed dunks and layups by a single team.
- The Good Hands People award, sponsored by Allstate, goes to that ref in the Kentucky game who I saw palming the ball. I’m officially impressed.
- The Madison Avenue award goes to Powerade for best commercial of the tournament. If you haven’t seen it, they poke fun at rival Gatorade’s offering of multiple sports drinks for multiple purposes: prepare, recharge, refuel, recover, energize, revitalize, ad nauseum. In the ad, a basketball coach calls a timeout and listens as his players explain they poor play is due to confusion over which drink they are supposed to consume in what order. The zinger comes at the end when one player, glistening with the signature colored perspiration from the Gatorade commercials, says, “Hey coach. My sweat is orange!” Classic.
- The What Were They Thinking award goes to the NCAA Final Four committee that decided it would be a good idea to design a court elevated six feet above the arena floor and with an apron around the actual playing court just small enough to allow players attempting to save a ball to go crashing into the pep band. Brilliant.
- The Bend Over award, sponsored by Preparation H, goes to Ozzie Osbourne, who starred in an add for a sweepstakes in which the lucky winner gets … wait for it … a colonoscopy??!!! Is that a joke?
- The Boneheaded Play of the Day award goes to Kanasa Jayhawk star Tyshawn Taylor, who after making the game-sealing steal of an Ohio State inbound pass, followed it up by making the dumbest pass since Georgetown’s Fred Brown passed to North Carolina’s James Worthy, mistaking him for a teammate, in the 1982 final. Tyshawn tried to hit a cutting teammate for the exclamation point on the victory, but instead threw it out of bounds to give the Buckeyes another chance.
- The Keystone Cops award goes to the Ohio State Buckeyes, who after a failed attempt at a sly move by Aaron Craft, stood around completely befuddled as Kansas inbounded the ball and ran out the clock. Hats, bats, and whistles. That’s all they were missing.
And now for the awards going to our contestants…
- The Brauen Out award goes to former contest leader Sam Brauen who pledged his life, his fortune, and his sacred honor to the Ohio State Buckeyes. Hasta la vista, Sammy!
- The What’s the Big Deal award goes to my brother, Joshua “I’m a big deal around here” Marshall who has climbed from 524th all the way to 32nd.
- The Top 40 award goes to my beloved daughter Andrea Little who has been begging me for an award the entire contest and finally earned it. Andrea is currently 40th.
- The You Gotta Be Kidding Me award goes to Kristin “moving up in the world” Detamore who has risen to 5th place on the strength of going 6-0 since the Elite Eight and 13-1 since the Sweet Sixteen.
- The Funkalicious award, sponsored by Fergie and the Black Eyed Peas, goes to Giuseppe “GFunk” DiIulio, currently in 4th place. GFunk gets this award for having the most vowels per capita of any name in the contest.
- The Give Her A Hand award, sponsored by Hamburger Helper, goes to contest leader Kasiah Hand, who overtook Sam Brauen by virtue of Kansas’ unlikely victory this evening. A Kansas national championship also gives Kasiah the Ultimate Scategories Bonus of 96 points and a contest victory.
And with that, we await the national championship game that will determine not only this year’s Division I Men’s Basketball National Champion, but more importantly, this year’s champion of Jeff’s 17th Annual March Madness Contest. Stay tuned Monday night for the final contest awards and commentary.
The Wizard of Whiteland