I started writing this post just before 10:30 AM this morning.  The title was meant to be a joke.  I thought that with all the end-of-the-world hysteria associated with 2012, it was a fitting title for the opening post of this year’s contest commentary.  Little did I know that just a few minutes later, the server that hosts my site would crash and burn in spectacular fashion, leaving a few unlucky last-minute would-be contestants out in the cold.  The site was down for most of the day, but now we are back in business.  This is also why you haven’t heard from me all day.  Every aspect of my site was down – the blog, the mailing list, the contest site – everything.  Needless to say, these are the days that try contest managers’ souls.

Anyway, I’m sure Syracuse fans are feeling a bit apocalyptic now that star center Fab Melo has been ruled ineligible for the tournament.  (One has to wonder why the university waited until after selection Sunday to come to this conclusion.)  Certainly the first two games of the “First Four” played Tuesday night in Dayton provided meltdowns worthy of a Roland Emmerich movie.  Mississippi Valley State and Iona collectively surrendered 41 points worth of lead to lose in spectacular fashion to Western Kentucky and BYU.  Rest assured that before the next two days are over, some contestants are going to feel like the sky is falling as pick after pick goes down in flames.  But that’s ok…that is, after all, why we play.

 A New Record!

Once again we have reached a new record for the number of entries in the contest even with the ugly site crash keeping a few people from being able to enter before the deadline.  This year we have 532 entries in our contest, a modest 18 more than last year.  To all the rookies I say, “Welcome!”  To the few who didn’t get in due to technical difficulties I say, “Sorry.”

Resistance Is Futile

Each year I feel compelled to pay homage to my BS in Mathematics and present a quick rundown of what I call the statistical Iron Laws of March Madness, so named because they have yet to be broken.

Iron Laws

1. Thou shalt not pick a 16 seed to win a game. They are 0-108 and most certainly destined to become 0-112, even without Fab Melo on the floor for Syracuse.
2. Thou shalt not pick a 7 seed to make the Final Four. Seven may be both lucky and perfect, but in March Madness, it is neither.
3. Thou shalt not pick a 5 seed to win a national championship. Unlikely as it may seem, no 5 seed has ever done it.
4. Thou shalt not pick a team from the Northeastern conference to win a game. This year’s representative is Long Island University – Brooklyn.
5. Thou shalt not pick a national champion who lost the first game they played in their year-end conference tournament. Oddly enough, there doesn’t seem to be a team in the top fourth of the seeding that fits in this category this year.

Making History…Already

Before the first games were even played this year, a happening of historic proportions took place.  For the first time ever, the regular season champion from a “Big 6” conference (Pac 12, Big 10, SEC, ACC, Big East, Big 12) was not invited to the NCAA Tournament, not even to the First Four!  The Washington Huskies won the Pac 12 in terms of regular season record, but lost in the Pac 12 tournament.  As a testimony to the perceived weakness of the Pac 12 this year, the conference tournament champion, the Colorado Buffaloes, were given an 11 seed, and the only other Pac 12 team to get an invitation, California, was bounced by South Florida in the First Four on Wednesday.  Folks, that’s not a down year.  It’s a disaster.

Name Game

Now it’s time for what has become a favorite pastime of contest participants, the competition for the best alias.  I am always on the lookout for a good pun, witticism, or good natured barb, and this year’s crop has plenty of each to choose from.  Here is a collection of those that just begged for a comment.

• Andrea “3.14159265” Bauschek – You finally got your piece of the pie.
• Jim “roll yer dice & move yer mice” Cockrum – Build a better one and the world will beat a path to your door.
• Jason “One Man Flash Mob” Cooper – What is the sound of one hand clapping?
• Wendy “Creating an alias is TOO STRESSFUL” Cooper – Try managing the contest.
• Angie “onlyinthisforunclejeffscommentary” Davis – At least you have your priorities in order.
• Tim “Missing Manning” Davis – Aren’t we all.
• Jacob “2nd Place Last Year” Deaver – 212th place this year.
• Mike “A computer randomly picked these” Desch – That explains a lot.
• Ralph “using Alias = Not.Cool;” Forey – Not.Funny
• Evan “I’m the same age as this contest” Gidley – Thanks for making me feel old.
• Matt “Really?!?!?!” Hand – No, not really.
• Bronson “Good Luck Boilers” Hillman – They’re going to need it.
• David “I will beat my son again” Kincheloe – Should be easy since he didn’t enter.
• Dan “Where is a KOPP when you need one?” Kopp – Asked.
• Nathan “here’s a Kopp when you need one” Kopp – Answered.
• Brian “Probably Will Only Watch a Few Games” Miller – Loser.
• Joel “I just want Jeff to mention my name” Paine – Everyone give it up for what’s-his-name.
• Sammy “It’s Tebow Time” Randazzo – Wrong sport.
• Max “still a free man…for now” Southern – For free marriage counseling, call…
• Mark “I don’t have a chance do I” Tillema – No, you don’t.

Alias Top 10 List

10. J.R. “Socrates on Steroids” Shrader
9. Andy “Put ‘Em On The” Glassley
8. Clint “Posting up like a mailbox!” Haydon
7. Jonathan “You only live once, unless you’re Mario” Barndt
6. Braden “If at first you don’t succeed, you’ve failed” Murray
5. Kristin “I’m a doctor, Jim, not a sports analyst” Schafer
4. Ryan “2EZ2WYNN#1ALIASWYNNYOURLASTNAMEISWYNN..C” Helton
3. Jason “On The Campaign T” Roehl
2. Josh “Irsay Can’t Cut This Bracket” Pearman
1. Marc “Have you…YES I’ve” Heard

Honorable Mention: R.J. “WynnSanity” Wynn

Speaking of Names…

It has also become something of a tradition for me to pick the team with the most ridiculous mascot and ascribe to them the ridicule they deserve.  (Ridiculous does mean “worthy of ridicule, after all.)  Past “winners” have been the UC Santa Barbara Gauchos, or as I prefer to call them, the Fighting Ladies Pants, and the St. Peter’s Peacocks.  This year’s winner, hands down, is the South Dakota State Jackrabbits.  Nothing strikes fear in the heart of an opponent like a white, fluffy, floppy-eared bunny.  I mean, I suppose Bugs Bunny with his New York accent was at least moderately intimidating, but Jackrabbits?  Surely there’s a better creature indigenous to South Dakota they could have chosen.

Day One Wrap-Up

This could go down in contest history as the longest commentary ever, but that is because I’m putting what would have normally been three different posts and combining them in to one.  (See aforementioned server crash which prevented me from posting all day long.)

Jackrabbits vs Highlighters – Perhaps the only thing more ridiculous than the South Dakota State mascot is the highlighter-yellow uniform worn by the Baylor Bears.  The Jackrabbits gave them a run for their money, but in the end, Baylor owned the highlights.  Please, hold your applause.  I’ll be here all week.

Elmore’s Wit – Len continues to be one of my favorite announcers.  During the game between Southern Mississippi and Kansas State, after Southern Miss’ Neil Watson went on a scoring spurt, Len quipped, “It’s elementary.  Watson getting it done.”

Almost Famous – For only the 7th time in tournament history, a 16 seed led a 1 seed at half time.  UNC-Ashville led Syracuse 34-30 at the half and played them tough all the way to the wire.  Now, I’m always suspicious of conspiracy theories, but there were two bad calls at the end of this game the likes of which have not been seen since the infamous USSR vs. USA game in the 1972 Olympics.  The Boneheaded Play Of The Day award definitely goes to that officiating crew, who first called a phantom lane violation on UNC-Ash after they had rebounded a missed Syracuse free throw, and then called a ball out of bounds on UNC-Ash when replay indisputably showed it was touched by a Syracuse player.  If you saw the end of this game, you will agree with me when I say that they were totally robbed.

Zoeller’s Smeller – While Indiana easily dispatched New Mexico State, my wife observed that Cody Zoeller has a really big schnoz.  All the better to smell you with, my dear.

Very Upsetting – Out of 16 games played today, only two were won by the lower seed.  Of course, I picked neither.  It’s hard for me to remember the last time the upper seeds not only won so many games, but did so in such convincing fashion.  Here’s hoping tomorrow’s games offer a bit more drama.

Day One Awards

I feel as though today’s commentary has been lacking a bit in wit and creativity, but given the stress I’ve been through today with the whole website-is-dead-for-hours fiasco, I’m hoping you kind contestants will give me a pass.  Before I go, I do want to hand out some Day One awards.

• The Na Nanny Boo Boo award goes to my wife, Heather Little, who went out of her way to point out to me that I’m the only one in the family who failed to pick an upset today.  In fact, she said, quote, “You’re the one dragging us down in the family feud.”  Thanks, Babe.
• The Barnabas, Son of Encouragement award goes to the kind folks who tried to encourage me today as I was fretting over my completely inaccessible contest website.  Many thanks to Patty Brown, Jason Cooper, Nathan Stratton, Brad Schafer, and Scott Whitlow.
• The Maybe You Should Try Picking The Old Fashioned Way award goes to my good friend Trevis Litherland, an actuary who uses a carefully crafted statistical algorithm (via computer) to make his picks every year.  Current position in the standings: dead last.
• The Rick Santorum Award for True Conservativism goes to 11 contestants who picked all 16 higher seeds to win today and ended up 14-2 for their efforts: Terry Daffron, Kylie Van Winkle, Brooke Teike, Jason Larion, David Blankenship, John Cuson, Bob Huppert, Kristin Schafer, Julie Harman, Alexis Shannon, and Eric Shelton.
• Finally, the Yellow Jersey award for the Day One leader goes to Horizon Elementary School prodigy Samuel Hadley, who picked all 16 games correctly!  Way to go, kid!

With that, I am completely spent.  Time to recharge my batteries, get some real world work done, and prepare for Day Two of the madness, one hopefully devoid of any technical difficulties.  Thank you for your patience and continued support.

The Wizard of Whiteland

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