Before the start of tonight’s game, I was chatting friend and fellow contestant Brad Schafer. He commented that if both teams played as well as they have been lately, it should be scorcher. It was a scorcher, alright. Michigan State got torched – grilled – deep fried – shishkabobbed. Here you have a Spartan team that not more than a week ago made Louisville and Connecticut, both extremely talented teams, look mediocre. North Carolina made that same team look horrible. They should have just rung a gong at half time, handed out the trophies, and sent everyone home. There aren’t enough superlatives to attach to UNC’s performance. They were utterly dominant. The outcome was never in doubt from as early as five minutes into the game.
At one point I heard Jim Nantz point out that North Carolina trailed less than 10 minutes in the entire tournament. They won every game by double digits. Their victories were as dramatic as a Mike Tyson fight in the early years. Punch-punch-lunch. Pay the man.
Hats off to the North Carolina seniors who eschewed the NBA and its millions for one more shot to play for nothing but the glory of being called champions. (That is, of course, provided that these guys aren’t being compensated under the table ala the Fab Five of Michigan ignominy.)
Completely Random
So, before I get to the final contest awards, I would like to offer up a short collection of random thoughts and musings resulting from 3 weeks of watching basketball on TV.
Does anyone besides me think Blake Griffin looks like a Sleestack?
Who thought juxtaposing Sir Mix-A-Lot, Spongebob Squarepants, dancing girls and that creepy king in a Burger King commercial would be a good idea? More importantly, how much was he paid?
Does Coke Zero really taste just like Coke?
After winning 17 tournament games this year, the much-ballyhooed Big East failed to send a representative to the championship game.
I’m guessing all 64 teams knelt in the locker room before every game and prayed that Seth Davis would not pick them to win.
Magic Johnson looks fat. Larry Bird looks old. Check that. Larry looks DEAD.
The only incentive left for the auto makers to offer us is to buy the car on our behalf.
The view from the overhead cam – great for football, bad for basketball.
Shouldn’t that E-Trade baby be old enough to actually talk by now?
How many lumens do you think that cameraman’s flash puts out in the Buffalo Wild Wings commercial? Do you think I can get one?
Dear Mr. Thabeet – Lose the girly sunglasses. You never know when you will be caught in the celebrity-in-the-crowd shot.
The best part of tonight’s game was One Shining Moment.
Final Contest Awards
And now, without further ado, I present the final contest awards.
The Iron Lady Award, given in honor of Margaret Thatcher, goes to this year’s top-scoring contestant of the female persuasion. This year’s recipient is Laura “Harper” Ramirez, finishing with 121 points and in 13th place overall.
The Jimmy Neutron, Boy Genius Award goes to the first place finisher in the KidZone, 12-and-under age group, Devan “BigD” Bailey. Devan finished with 131 points and in 3rd place overall. What’s next, Devan, MIT?
Continuing the trend of youthful dominance in this year’s contest, the Teen Sensation Award goes to Evan “so close yet so far away” Gidley, who finished first in the Teen Mania age group with 132 points and in 2nd place overall. Evan will receive an autographed copy of the Jonas Brothers in 3D DVD.
The There’s Still Something Left To Enjoy Award goes to former first-place contestant Mike “enjoying it while it lasts boo the bonus” Brown, who did manage to finish first in the Twenty-Something age group and 5th overall.
The Spartans Lost, But You Won Award goes to Brent “Spartans” Bolin, who finished atop the Thirty-Something age group and in 9th place overall.
The Staying Ahead Of The Spread Award goes to Dave “Señor Underdog” Barndt, who was second in the Middle Age Spread (40-49) age group, but gets the award by virtue of our overall contest winner being in this age group. Señor Underdog finished 7th overall. Dave also should get the I Love This Awesome Scoring System Award, as his winning percentage was only .571!
The Book ‘Em, Dan-O Award goes to the winner of the March Madness 5-0 age group, Toby “prisoner of gravity” Risner. Toby had 122 points and finished 11th overall.
The Better Over The Hill Than Under It Award goes to Linda Ralston, our top finisher in the Senior Prognosticators age group. Ironically, Linda finished with 103 points and in 104th place.
The I Did It My Way Award goes to Corey “Refuses To Cooperate” Davis, who finished in 4th place overall. Corey will receive a CD collection of every recording artist ever to sing that song.
The Name Says It All Award goes to Grant Is Awesome McCleary, who finished 6th overall and gets an honorable mention for his humility.
The Wisdom Is My Last Name Award goes to 8th place finisher Chuck “IU was robbed by the cmte” Sage.
The Rookie Of The Year Award goes to the contestant who finished first among this year’s 139 contest rookies, Megan “Flip-flo0p wearing, Sun tanning” Risner. Megan finished with a respectable 119 points and in 17th place. Megan will receive a tube of 50 SPF sunblock and a jar of toenail polish.
The Top Prognosticator Award goes to the contestant with the highest winning percentage, Steven “The Two” Fifield. Steven finished with more wins than anyone else, 115 points, and in 29th place. Steven also gets the I Hate This Stupid Scoring System Award for obvious reasons.
The Stop Spamming Me, Already Award goes to all the Michigan State fans who emailed me that stupid “Bobby Knight goes to heaven and finds out God is a Spartan’s fan” joke. You know who you are.
The Worst To First Award goes to the contestant whose position improved the most from low point to high point, Amy “Movin’ On Up” Dailey. Once in 443rd place, Amy finished in 25th with 117 points.
The No Wonder You Didn’t Use Your Real Name Award goes to the contestant who entered only as Nick Nick. In the bitterest of ironies, Mr. Nick was the contest’s last entry, and finished in last place. Maybe you should try to be the first entry next year!
The You Need Glasses Award goes to Rebecca “Pick ’em as I C ’em” Davis, who finished one position ahead of Mr. Nick.
The final Yellow Lines And Dead Skunks Award goes to the contestant who finished exactly in the middle of the pack in 233rd place, Eric “Nose Dive” Gruss.
And finally, the 14th Annual Jeff’s March Madness Contest Champion Award goes to this year’s Grand Poo-ba of prognostication, Joe “Pappy Joe Hoosier” Jenkins. Pappy Joe advanced from secondto first with NorthCarolina’s convincing victory this evening, finishing with 135 total points. At one point our premier Pappy was ranked as low as 153rd, but marched steadily up the standings as UNC and Villanova marched on in the tournament. Kudos to you, Pappy Joe. Go enjoy a hot cup of Joe as you relish your victory.
Parting Shots
And so ends another enjoyable year of March Madness. Though the upsets were few, the drama was there in the contest standings perhaps more-so in previous years with more upsets. I must say I enjoyed the ongoing banter embedded within the nicknames this year. If you wish to leave an epitaph on your entry in this year’s contest, you are still welcome to do so.
As always, thanks to all of you for playing and making the contest what it is – a frivolous and yet fun diversion from the daily grind. Thanks for all your emails, quips, insights, and kind words. Until next year, may God bless you and your families.
Stepping behind the curtain,
The Wizard of Whiteland