Day 3 Discussion

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“In this tournament, everybody has something to lose.”

Kentucky Coach John Calipari

Let us not bury the lead, here. The Wizard of Whiteland finished the day in second place overall. This is by far my best showing in my own contest in well over a decade. We will see if I’m in the same position this time tomorrow. But enough about me.

Random And Not So Random Thoughts From Day Three

  • The enemy deserves no mercy. The first two games of the day were competitive, decided by a total of 8 points. The last six games were decided by an average of 19 points. The most exciting – indeed, about the only exciting – moment of the day was when LSU’s Tremont Waters made the game winning layup just over the outstretched fingers of Maryland’s Jalen Smith with 1.6 seconds to play. Shades of Tyus Edny there. (Bonus points if you get the reference.)
  • TNT’s Ernie Johnson has one of the most pronounced hitchhikers thumbs I have ever seen. That is the only thing I remember from the commercial he appears in this year. I don’t even recall the product being advertised, but man, that thumb is totally at a 90-degree angle.
  • Say what you will about Kentucky coach John Calipari, but he understands the game and has embraced his stated mission of accepting one-and-done players headed for the NBA with no delusions of finishing college first and grooming them for the rigorous demands of professional basketball. Speaking of Kentucky, the Wildcats held the NCAA’s all-time leader in 3-point shots made, Wofford’s Fletcher Magee, to 0-12 from 3-point range today. To put that in perspective, Kentucky won the game by just six points. Had Magee only shot a woeful 25% from 3-point range, it would have been enough to win the game.
  • Five Guys burgers and fries. Have you ever seen a single player draw all five defenders? I did today when Murray State’s Ja Morant drove to the basket and found himself quintuple teamed. Sure, the Racers got smoked by a frighteningly good Florida State squad, but Morant is the real deal and will definitely be getting paid next fall. Speaking of Murray State, their coach, Matt McMahon, had the quote of the day when he told his team, “You gotta guard somebody. We’re making them look like the Golden State Warriors out there.” The Seminoles did look rather impressive, and as a Gonzaga fan, I am frankly worried. FSU bounced the Zags from the tournament last year, and they are just as much of a match-up nightmare this year. One has to wonder if the committee considers these sorts of rematches when putting together the bracket.
  • Make that 23 years. The crew calling the Michigan State vs Minnesota game pointed out that the Gophers haven’t been to a Sweet Sixteen in 22 years. The Spartans made sure another year was added to that total. Speaking of long droughts between Sweet Sixteen appearances…
  • It has been sixteen years to the day since Auburn earned its last Sweet Sixteen appearance, and they did so tonight in convincing fashion, more than doubling Kansas’ score at the half. In an earlier commentary I cracked a joke about the Bill Self coached incarnations of the Jayhawks‘ penchant for losing early in the tournament. That may not be a completely fair assessment – after all, Kansas made the Final Four just last year. In fact, the Jayhawks have made it to the Sweet Sixteen or better in six of the last ten tournaments. However, in three of the years where they failed to win two games, they were either a 1 or a 2 seed. In fact, in 10 straight tournament appearances since 2010, this year is the only year Kansas was seeded lower than 2. Draw your own conclusions.
  • Anybody got a stopwatch I can borrow? What is wrong with the clock operators this year? I never seen so many stoppages of play due to “game clock issues” in all my years of watching March Madness. The clock operators need to get it together.
  • At one point in Purdue’s shellacking of defending champion Villanova, Carson Edwards had 22 points. The entire Villanova team had 24. That was in the second half. Ugly.
  • Who turned out the lights? Both low-beam headlights in my wife’s vehicle burned out at the same time, apparently. What are the odds of that? We made this discovery as she was about to head out to run an errand just after dark. Now you know what I will be doing tomorrow afternoon when I should be watching more hoops.
  • Correction: Alert minion Bethany Davis pointed out that Liberty University does, in fact, have a football team. They actually play in the FBS and were 6-6 last season. Go figure.
  • After seeing the plethora of commercials for Orange Vanilla Coke, I decided to try it. Turns out it is not as disgusting or bizarre as it sounds. Basically, it tastes like vanilla Coke with a hint of citrus. It’s not great, but it’s not horrible, either. I give it 2 stars out of 5.
  • Bring back the jump ball. It is high time for college basketball to jettison that relic of the 80’s, the alternating possession arrow, and bring back the jump for held ball situations. The alternating possession arrow has been around for so long now, no one remembers why it was introduced in the first place. If it was intended to save time, that argument no longer holds water. Way more time is wasted in the course of a typical game by the officials going to the monitor for whatever reason than is saved by taking turns on held balls. I mean really, how many held balls are there in a typical game? Two or three? Simply giving the ball to the team that didn’t get it last time is far from equitable, and the risk of a “bad toss” by the referee is a dumb reason to eliminate such a historically fundamental part of the game. Join the revolution. Demand the reinstatement of the jump ball.

Best Alias Awards

The time has finally come for the annual ritual you have all been waiting for, the moment of discovering if your clever alias will receive a shout out from our esteemed panel of judges. That panel, incidentally, is a panel of one.

  • Most Incomprehensible Alias: Mike “DMB of the Ballers (say it fast)” Baines. I’ve said it fast, with a variety of different syllabic inflections, and I still don’t get it. Somebody fill me in on this one.
  • Most Original Picking Strategy: Ann “Picks based on her Instagram feed” Barndt
  • Most Worthy Of A Snarky Response From The Wizard: Rob “I am due!!!” Barta. Are you pregnant? Honorable mention: Jim “Jim the blond bomber” Calhoun. Dude, you have no hair.
  • Most Original Instance Of A Recurring Contest Theme: Once again, the Fairchild family organized their aliases so that, when viewed alphabetically by their names in the overall contestant list, they read out a clever phrase or verse. This year’s quip gets bonus points for the Dr. Who reference. “People assume that time is a strict progression of cause to effect but actually from a non-linear non-subjective viewpoint it’s more like a big ball of wibbly wobbly timey wimey stuff.”
  • Most Committed To Their Spouse: Jenn “Just want to be my husband” Fandl.
  • Best Star Wars Reference: Anderson “Ando Calrissian” Cooper.
  • Best Attempt At Imitating, Or Perhaps Mocking, The Contest Manager: Remmy “The Pirate of Southport High” Davidson.
  • That Made Me LOL:: Rob “So what’s the character limit on this th” Janik.
  • Best Critique Of Conference Naming Stupidity: Kelly “Go Big 10…I mean 12…um make that 14?” Zeoli.
  • Best Zion Williamson Reference: Chris “Set Your Eyes to Zion” Jones.
  • Nerdiest Alias: Jay “\\UNC_PATH\toThe\championship” Namboothiri.
  • Best Rhyme: Kim “is the sharper” Harper. Honorable mention: Richard “I stubbed my toe in Mexico” Schrimpf.
  • Best Crack On Indiana University: Brent “I Who?” Bolin.
  • Best Crack On The Contest Manager:: Chris “No$4u” Johnson.
  • Best Self-Deprecation: Mike “Another year, Another useless bracket.” Desch.
  • Best Happy Days Reference: Keith “Franzarelli” Franz.
  • Best Karate Kid Reference: Jay “Sweep the Leg” Newland.
  • Best Robin Williams Reference:: Cheri “Oh Shazbot, not again!” Rayles. (Incidentally, the Mork from Ork character was actually introduced on Happy Days before getting his own show.)
  • Best Weirdly Awesome Martial Arts Film Reference: Tony “Crouching Boiler Hidden Bearcat” Smurlo.
  • Most Stubborn Alias: Andrew “I’m still not cheering for Purdue” Cox.
  • At Least We Know Why You Entered: Traci “Helping Jeff Get To 800” Murray. Thanks for your support!
  • Wait, How Many Games Are There?: Mark “46 coins Flips” Knutsen.
  • Most Hilarious Use Of A Foreign Language:: Holli “PolloEnFuego” Heffner. (Chicken on fire? LOL!)
  • Best Crack On Tom Brady: Jason “Hates that Tom Brady will win this too” Cooper.

If you’ve been playing the contest for any length of time, you know that I love puns. Thus, puns are in a class by themselves when it comes to the best alias awards.

Best Puns Making Use Of The Contestant’s Name

  • Scott “Now You’re Playing With” Bower
  • Abraham “AbraHam sandwich” Hadley
  • Benjamin “Son of my right” Hand (Especially good because that’s literally what Benjamin means)
  • Mark “It Down” Heyerly
  • Bobby “Roe-ing Down the Standings” Roe
  • Jason “Sniffin’ the Chemt” Roehl (only funny if you know that his last name is pronounced like “rail”)
  • Todd “SamplePicks” Sample
  • Brock “Gon-Zaga Gon-” Zagel
  • Don “Year of the Z ‘GonZaga, Zion, and Zerb'” Zerbian

Best Puns Referencing A Player’s Name

  • Ted “No Haarms in Trying” Badgley
  • Christopher “There’s morant 1 way to win ja bracket” Randazzo

Best Puns, Period

  • Raleigh “J. Edger Hoopers” Wade
  • Shelby “Steph Ascope” Risner

Best Aliases Overall

  • Third Runner-Up: Terry “What’s With All the Bracket?” Banks
  • Second Runner-Up: Amber “Little Family Champion est. 2015” Little
  • First Runner-Up: Anna “Anna Wears Hoops” McGuire
  • Grand Champion: Ryan “Here’s Johny oops wrong 1 shining moment” Helton

Other Contest Awards

  • The Biggest Loser award goes to Johnathan Hernandez who was once as high as 4th, but now sits in 337th.
  • The Rising Star award goes to Traci Murray who has climbed from 844th to 142nd.
  • The Seasick award goes to Levi Eads whose fortunes have swung wildly between a low of 844th and a high of 88th. He now sits in 184th.
  • The Little Red Caboose award goes to Evangeline Grunden who is currently bringing up the rear.
  • The Wrong Sport award goes to Rob “Go Cubs” Fair, currently tied for 62nd.
  • The Doing So Might Help You Win award goes to Tim “one of these years I’ll read the rules” Miles, currently in a tie for 53rd.
  • The Demoted To A Lesser Office award goes to Tony “El President” Morales. Once in 1st, Tony is now in 4th.
  • The What Are You, A Prophet? award goes to the still-incredible Gavin Hand who lost only one more game today. That brings his loss total to just two games over the first three days, but he’s still not in first place, though he did spend a brief moment there earlier in the day. That honor goes to…
  • The Play That Funky Music, Ball Boy award goes to the current contest leader, Giuseppe “G-Funk” DiIulio who leads the Wizard only by virtue of the games-won tiebreaker. I’m coming for you, G-Funk!

That’s all I have for tonight, minions. Church in the morning. Games in the afternoon. Another commentary in the third watch of the night.

The Wizard of Whiteland

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