“If we fight, we fight for our rights, nothing else.” – Stephen F. Austin

A March Madness Memory

The final game of what I consider to be the greatest 48 hours in all of sports is on my TV, 15 minutes left and reasonably competitive. It seems to me that, while there has certainly been a handful of blowouts, this year’s first round has treated us to an extraordinary measure of drama. Maybe it was that line of thinking that took me back to the following memory, one that I’d like to share.

Perhaps you’ve wondered, “Hey Jeff, when did you first become interested in March Madness?” (Oh, why flatter myself? Most of you have wondered nothing of the sort, not even once, but I’m still going to tell you, because it’s my contest, and you’re a captive audience.) One of my earliest memories goes all the way back to 1981. I was 10 years old and had ridden my bike the short mile or two to my dad’s house. I don’t remember the exact reason for my visit, but I vividly remember him sitting in his chair in the front room, on the edge of his seat, paper bracket clutched firmly in hand. He glanced up from the TV briefly and said to me with obvious anticipation, “We’re going to win, Jeff! I’m excited.” The “we” he was referring to was the defending national champion Louisville Cardinals. I grew up just 50 miles up river from Louisville in Madison, IN, hence there were many Cards fans in my hometown. What I witnessed next, standing right there next to my dad with his bracket held tenderly in his hands like it was the last copy of the magna carta, is a moment of sporting history I’ll never forget. Fortunately for you, I found it on YouTube.

Arkansas vs. Louisville 1981

I can’t accurately describe my father’s reaction to that 49-foot miracle. In a tone of utter incredulity, Dad simply muttered, “He made that.” Was that what hooked me on March Madness? I don’t know, but it’s a fond memory of my dad who passed away in 1999. He loved basketball and loved Louisville. It’s hard for me to watch Louisville play without thinking of him.

Game Thoughts

• I’m A Lumberjack and I’m OK! – Having already discussed in the previous commentary the unMercerful Duke debacle, the unquestioned game of the evening session pitted the Rams of VCU versus the Lumberjacks of Stephen F. Austin. After coming out of the locker room down 10 points at the half, VCU wreaked its legendary havoc defense on the Lumberjacks, at one point scoring three field goals in 27 seconds and forcing 12 turnovers in the second half. Just when I thought my bandwagon pick of SFA was about to go down the tubes, VCU’s JeQuan Lewis committed the Boneheaded Play of the Day. Up 4 with 3 seconds left, Lewis fouled SFA’s Desmond Haymon as he drained a three pointer. Haymon made the free throw to tie the game, and like the Phoenix rising from the ashes, SFA went on to win the game in overtime. The Unsung Hero award for this game goes to the man from Bixby, Oklahoma, Jacob Parker for SFA.  Parker averaged just two points per game this season but poured in 22 tonight on 64% shooting from the field to help lead the Lumberjacks to victory.  Anyone out there from Bixby? I’m looking at you, Tim Davis.
• Cotton, The Fabric of Our Game – The Providence Fryers got a game that was 100% cotton from guard Bryce Cotton who scored 36 points including 7-7 from the line in what turned out to be a losing effort. This was another one of those games that got away from an underdog in the first round, as Providence simply imploded at the end of the game. First, trailing by only one, they failed to block out UNC’s James Michael McAdoo (only distantly related to NBA great Bob McAdoo) after he missed the back end of a 1-and-1.  Getting his own rebound, McAdoo was fouled again and went back to the line. McAdoo gave the Fryars one more chance, missing the back end of the next 1-and-1 again, but the Fryars couldn’t handle the rebound, fumbling it out of bounds. Game, season, upset, all gone.
• Get On With It, Already! – Ok, I have mixed emotions about this new thing of going to the monitor in the last two minutes to double check on certain calls, most notably, who last touched it before going out of bounds. On the surface it seems like a good idea, but it has turned out to be yet another rendition of the now familiar song in American sports entitled, “Indisputable Video Evidence”. That song is becoming more irritating than the Macarena. Look, it already takes 20 minutes to play the last two minutes of a basketball game, and now in addition to enduring the usual parade to the free throw line, we get to watch 13 replays of the same out of bounds play from 4 different angles. “Now, from that angle, Vern, it looks like he touched it, but from this other angle, you can’t really tell. So I don’t think there’s enough evidence there to overturn it, do you?” These discussion go on for 2, 3, or 4 minutes while Teddy Valentine pretends to study the monitor intently just in case he can get some more on-camera time. Listen, if I wanted an exercise in forensics, I’d watch CSI. Come on boys, Play Ball!

In Other News

I usually like to make a few comments about some of the more interesting mascots in the tournament, and this year is no exception. By far the most ridiculous mascot in this year’s field is the Coastal Carolina Chanticleers. What’s a Chanticleer? Well, at first I thought it was a men’s a capella vocal ensemble, which I would have ridiculed without mercy. However, it turns out a chanticleer is a rooster. I kept expecting Foghorn Leghorn to come rolling up out of the locker room. “Fortunately we keep our uniforms numbered for just such an emergency.”  To be fair, the Chanticleers made a game of it against #1 seed Virginia until the Cavaliers, which I cannot resist pointing out rhymes with Chanticleers, woke up and decided they did not want to make history tonight.  And speaking of Virginia…

I have often heard them referred to as the “Wahoos”. Now, several years ago I remember asking why Washington State referred to themselves as Wazzu.  Was it because they scored points out the Wazzu? Had money coming out the wazzu? Not sure. Nevertheless, I’m still trying to figure out what a Wahoo is, and that’s coming from someone who can’t explain what a Hoosier is, either. Google was no help whatsoever, as it told me a wahoo is a scombrid fish found worldwide in tropical and subtropical seas. Not exactly the kind of habitat you’d associate with Charlottesville, is it? Maybe it’s some sort of obscure hilljack insult of yesteryear, you know, something like, “I ain’t a goin’ over thar with them thar buncha wahoos runnin thar mouths.” The world may never know.

By far the coolest mascot in this year’s field has to be the Ragin’ Cajuns of Louisiana -Lafayette. This moniker evokes all sort of entertaining imagery. I mean, it just makes you want to talk like a Cajun and eat something spicy, doesn’t it? I think they should have Emeril Lagasse gesticulating wildly on the sidelines yelling, “Bam! Bam!” and handing out spices.That would be epic!

Commercial Success

Part of the March Madness experience, for better or worse, is repeated exposure to the same dozen or so commercials. When you watch TV for 28 out of 48 consecutive hours, the commercials unavoidably become part of your psyche. Here are my random musings about this year’s commercial crop.

• The two guys in the Sonic commercials have been at it so long I am surprised they don’t have their own sitcom by now. My favorite from this year is their argument over whether the sound the ball makes going through the net is “swiss” or “swish”. The antagonist of the pair finally gets the last word with, “Why don’t we settle this with a game of horsh.” When corrected by his pal, he simply says it again, hoarsely, of course.
• The new E-Trade commercial with the singing cat is reasonably entertaining. We all know cats are evil.
• On the other hand, the Buffalo Wild Wings commercials with “Coach T” give me terrifying Bobby Knight interview flashbacks. Coach T needs to be T’d up and tossed from the arena.
• Anyone besides me old enough to remember the original Fritos Corn Chip jingle that Subway has appropriated for its latest promotion? Everyone knows Fritos Corn Chips go with lunch, not subs.
• If you’re looking for evidence that the government is way too involved in every aspect of American life, look no further than the modern crop of pharmaceutical commercials. Maybe it’s just my warped sense of humor, but I’m amused by how they try to portray every-man or every-woman having a living room chat with us about how a certain medicine is really helping them with their health issues. What makes this fall flat is the FDA’s voluminous requirements for disclosure of clinical data in the advertisements.  So there’s grandma chatting away with us about her arrhythmia, which, she explains, is “an irregular heartbeat not caused by a heart valve problem.” Thanks for clearing that up, grams. Then grandma has to finish with the laundry list of possible side effects which are enough to make most people choose the disease over the treatment.
• And don’t forget the DirectTV commercials consisting of the lengthy string of non sequiturs. Actually, I think we can learn something from these particular ads. Stay with me, here, minions:
  • When you fill out your brackets, you think you’re going to win.
  • When you think you’re going to win, you taunt your friends and family in the contest.
  • When you taunt your friends and family in the contest, they challenge you with a crazy bet.
  • When they challenge you with a crazy bet, you have to accept.
  • When you have to accept, you end up getting mauled by some crazy redneck’s pet grizzly bear. Don’t get mauled by some crazy redneck’s pet grizzly bear. Instead, work it out over a nice game of horsh.

Round 1 By The Numbers

The round of 64 is done, leaving us with 32 teams going into the weekend.  This year’s round of 32 includes:

• One 14 seed
• Two 11 seeds
• Three 12 seeds
• One 10 seed
• Zero 13 seeds for the first time in 7 years.
• Zero 16 seeds for the 32nd time in 32 years.

Round 1 Shout Outs

If you’ve made it this far in the commentary, you have the constitution of a vending machine. To make it worth it, I now present you with the round one shout outs.

• The Halley’s Comet award goes to Matthew “Wyld Stallyn” Hickey who took the traditional all-upset route selected by at least one contestant every year. The good news is that Matthew is currently ranked 25th.  Of course he is. He picked all the upsets, by definition. The bad news is that of the 16 games that will be played in the next two days, Matthew can win just one if Mercer can beat Tennessee. Enjoy your shining moment, Stallyn. It won’t last long.
• The Doctor Who? award goes to Sammy “Don’t Blink, Trust Me, I’m The Doctor” Randazzo who, despite an impressive winning percentage of .750, is tied for 563rd.
• The Walking Tall award goes to Evan “The Tallest Contestant” Gidley, currently ranked 9th with 61 points.
• The It Was Worth The Wait award goes to Gavin “I’m finally allowed to play this!” Hand, currently in 10th despite a miserable winning percentage of .375.
• The Thiry One Flavors award, sponsored by Baskin Robbins, goes to the three minions who can still win every remaining game in the tournament: Kevin “Kwang” Wehner, currently 2nd; Shane Svenpladsen, currently 27th; and Paul “Gramps” Boswell, currently tied for 160th.
• In honor of this year’s 12 seeds going 3-1, the Twelfth Man award goes to 12h place contestant Billy Brundage. Ironically, the minion who calls himself 12th Man is actually in 32nd.
• The Your Wish Is My Command award goes to Bob “goweberstate” Weber. Gone, as is your ranking (T660).
• The Hieroglyphics award goes to those mischievous minions who managed to mangle their monikers with malformed characters: Heather Schafer and Ryleigh Lamb.
• And finally, the You Beginner Luck award goes to first-time contestant and contest leader Nick “NIck” [sic] Snider. Mr. Nick NIck boasts an impressive 29-3 record and 72 points. Nick will receive the original Karate Kid on DVD, autographed by Noryuki “Pat” Morita.

Parting Shots

• Games to watch this weekend: Pittsburgh, Mercer, and Harvard are all worth scategories bonuses to the minions who picked them to advance to the Sweet 16.
• Re-pick round starts Monday: After all 16 games are completed this weekend, your brackets will open back up for your re-picks.  I will explain the re-pick procedure and rules in detail in a later email, because, invariably, it is the greatest source of confusion among contestants.

And now the Wizard is stepping back behind the curtain to sleep just as long as he wants, but not past tomorrow’s first tip.

Until then,

The Wizard of Whiteland

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