Don’t talk to me about aesthetics or tradition. Talk to me about what sells and what’s good right now. And what the American people like is to think the underdog still has a chance. – George Steinbrenner
Underdogs Off to a Great Start
Dayton Had Me Flying. The very first game of this year’s madness cast my heart into palpitations. My poor wife was awoken from her afternoon nap by the sound of her husband hollering spontaneously at the television. In case you missed it, the #11 Dayton Flyers upended the #6 Ohio State Buckeyes in a game that had two lead changes in the last 25 seconds! OSU’s Aaron Craft made an unbelievable Dr. J maneuver to put the Buckeyes up by 1 with 15 seconds left only to be outdone 10 seconds later by Dayton’s Vee “I Don’t Have A Son” Sanford to win it for the Flyers. What an incredible finish to the tournament’s opening game.
Be Nice to Nerds. Some day you’ll be beaten by them in basketball. Ok, I know that’s not how that cliche goes, but this extremely popular 12-over-5 pick came true when Harvard upset perennial underachievers Cincinnati. New coach. New players. Familiar result for Cincinnati. I don’t like Harvard’s chances going forward, however, if they do not improve their free throw shooting.
Colorado Gets Buffaloed. Colorado nearly lost by 30 to Pittsburgh in a game that looked more like a 1-16 than an 8-9 match up.
That’s Just Un-American. American did lose by 30, and then some, to the Wisconsin Badgers. In fact, the Badgers more than doubled American’s score. This one was ugly.
Name Game
All right, minions, it’s time for everyone’s favorite part of the first day, the coveted Alias Awards. This is where I recognize and reward the clever, the witty, the funny and, occasionally, the groan-inducing creativity of our contestants.
- Dave “All he wants to do is dance” Allender – White men can’t dance.
- James “Changed more poops than watched hoops” Badgley – Thank goodness I am past that part of my life.
- Andrea “WWCID? (What would Charles Ingalls do?)” Bauschek – Cry, of course.
- Kristin “Just Tell Me Who Wins” Bidwell – I’ll be sure to do that.
- Derek “Picked in under two minutes” Britt – It shows.
- Fess “Winning a Billion” Bryson – Buy a lottery ticket. Buy two.
- Mike “Xeroe” Cusick – Is that pronounced Eks-zero?
- Jason “Jay Metta World Peace” Dailey – Say hello to Ron for me.
- Bryson “My desert is hotter than yours” Davis – Now let’s not start measuring deserts.
- Nicholette “Hopefully I do better this time” Fraser – That should be easy. It’s hard to do worse than dead last.
- Brian “Where’s all the Indiana schools?” Gerlach – In Indiana. Next question.
- Pam “thanks Jeff for doing this” Glassley – You’re welcome.
- Philip “This is for a billion dollars, right??” Goodwin – Sure. Heck, make it two billion.
- Nathan “Haff Man Haff Machine” Haffner – Nice try. Decent pun.
- Mark “Analytics Made My Picks” Heyerly – Man after my own heart.
- Dave “6 more weeks of winter!” Hostler – Kill the groundhog!
- Dawn “I used a pen and a phone” Lamb – I don’t even want to know what you did with the phone.
- Kip “Bout to be a billionaire” Layman – I need a loan.
- Jon “Where is IU” Merritt – I already answered this question. I-N I-N-D-I-A-N-A. Pay attention, please.
- Rick “Going with a non-Indiana team this year!” Morgan – As if you had some other choice.
- Joel “How does the scoring work again?” Paine – It doesn’t.
- Derek “Dakich shouldn’t be an announcer” Perry – He shouldn’t have a radio show, either.
- Veronica “I work at a zoo, and I live in one too!” Ramirez – I can only imagine.
- Chris “I’ll trade brisket for a shout out” Randazzo – I don’t like brisket.
- Lilly “I love the Little family” Richardson – Flattery will get you nowhere.
- Zach “My wife is hot!” Richardson – On the other hand, flattery will get YOU somewhere.
- Larry “Erif Mot Naerc” Shepherd – Backward masking is so 1980’s.
- J.R. “Seth Davis is a blue-blood alien robot” Shrader – And that’s being kind.
- Randall “Links Nut” Shucart – Let’s get together for 18 sometime.
- Paul “just as tuff 2 get last place as first” Sopke – But not nearly as fun.
- Rhonda “Don’t” Walker – Good advice for basketball players.
- Steve “North Dakota has more teams than Indiana” Williams – Thank you, Mr. Obvious.
- Tara “which college do I cheer 4 in OK to” Wynn – Neither one.
- Scott “Ockham’s Razor” Boohoer – The simplest approach is always best.
Honorable Mentions
- Tony “My picks should be seen and not” Heard – Good one. Your prize is an autographed copy of Petra’s seminal disc Beyond Belief.
- Chris “Jesus take the bracket” Jones – An autographed photo of Carrie Underwood is in the mail to you now.
- David “Keeping Up With The” Jones – It was hard not to include this one in the top five.
- Brian “Hope My Picks Don’t Flounder” Trout – Ok, that was too easy, but funny nonetheless.
Special Awards
- The Etymology Award goes to the minions whose aliases required me to consult a dictionary or other reference material.
- Mike “Propiniquity but Never a Cigar” Baines – Don’t stand so close to me.
- Allen “Valar Morghulis” Davidson – Basketball…this is the game of basketball.
- Douglas “pheliosaquarias” Fisher – Back to the 60’s with you!
- Chris “res ipsa loquitur” Wright – The evidence does not always speak for itself.
- Mark “Idina Menzel” Wynn – Let it go.
- The annual Burma Shave award goes to the extremely creative Fairchild Family who long ago figured out that all entries are listed alphabetically on the view and search page. Read in order, their statuses read, “You’ll find that the only thing you can do easily is be wrong, and that’s hardly worth the effort.“
- The May The Force Be With You award goes to the minions who made use of Star Wars references.
- Garry “Chewbacca” Brackett
- Anderson “Ando Clarissian” Cooper
- Garrison “Obi Gar Kenobi” Cooper
- Jamison “Jamo the Hutt” Cooper
- Wendy “Call me WINNER boys, not Princess Leia” Cooper
- Toby “One Kenobi” Schneckloth
- The Please Read the Instructions award goes to Nate Rocks “NateDog” Copeland who violated the policy of entering an alias in a field other than the alias. Nate will receive, appropriately, a box of rocks.
- The Too Much Texting award goes to Angie “G8R H8RS B G8R B8” Crone. It was actually painful reading that alias.
- The Inside Joke award goes to the aliases that you’d have to be me to understand fully.
- Andrea “no picks no prom” Little – Don’t you forget it, eitiher.
- Amber “#excited” Little – #crackingUp
- Melody “I got my room back” Darnall – But not your garage.
- The Literalist award goes to the very observant minion, Matt “A Great Pun” Thurber, so named because I said those who wanted to win an alias award should keep in mind that I love a great pun.
- The annual Shameless Self-Promotion award goes to Mason “www.breakingwallscounseling.com” Gallmeyer. Actually it’s shameless spouse promotion, but close enough.
- The Hatfield and McCoys award goes to the crew that just cannot resist giving grief to Brad “Nanook of the Midwest” Schafer every year.
- Toby “Thumper of the Nanook” Risner
- Bruce “Nanook slapper” Schafer
Top 5
And now, without further ado, here are the top five aliases in this year’s contest.
5. Jonathan “Full Metal Bracket” Fortman
4. Jason “Cool as Ice Cream that Requires a S” Cooper
3. Dave “Wooden TruthPicks” Barndt (with bonus points for invoking the Wizard of Westwood)
2. Nathan “Not outgive, but” Inskeep (Perfect)
1. Shane “My Last Name Can Beat Up Your Last Name” Svenpladsen (I’ll say)
Great job, minions. Your creativity knows no bounds.
Parting Shots
A quick look at the contest standings shows that a good number of contestants are still perfect. With only seven games in the books, it is too early to hand out any awards for contest performance, but if you’re one of the undefeated minions so far, good for you! That means you picked three upsets already.
And now I need to give my blurred vision and cramped fingers a rest and get some dinner. Check back this evening for the Day One round up and awards.
Until then, keep the faith and your bracket.
The Wizard of Whiteland