Famous Last Words

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Don’t let it end like this.  Tell them I said something. – Pancho Villa

One Shining Moment

Now we close the book on another tournament and another edition of Jeff’s March Madness Contest.  As I sit here waiting for One Shining Moment – one of my favorite parts of the entire spectacle, I must say – I put fingers to keyboard one final time to share my thoughts, quips, and wit with you, my gracious and captive audience.

First, I offer a few thoughts about a very entertaining, very competitive championship game.

Spike This

I’m not sure I’ve seen a game where the losing team had so many impressive performances.  In fact, four of five of Michigan’s starters shot 50% or better from the floor.  At one point in this game Michigan’s Spike Albrecht was shooting a perfect 100% from the floor…for the tournament.  I believe he missed his final three attempts, but finished with 17 points and undoubtedly some sort of NCAA tournament record.

Go Go Gadget Arms

The Dunk That Made You Say “Now Way” award goes to Louisville’s Gourgi Dieng.  When Peyton Siva tossed that ball in the air for the alley oop, I have to admit that my thought process went something like this.  “That was stupid.  There’s no way he’ll ever to get to tha….(out loud) OOOOHHHHHHHH!!!!!!  DID YOU SEE THAT???!!!!!”  There was no one else in the room.

Signature Performance

I know I’ve used the John Hancock pun already, but it’s fitting after an unlikely bench player – not Trey Burke, not Russ Smith – Luke Hancock wins the Final Four’s Most Outstanding Player award.

Making History

The History Maker award goes to Louisville coach Rick Pitino.  Love him or hate him, he distinguished himself as one of the all time greats today.  He was inducted into the basketball hall of fame, won a national championship, and became the first coach to ever win two championships with two different teams.  Apparently, he’s also getting a tattoo, but I’m not sure why that’s significant.

The Booby Prizes

It’s time to hand out a few well-deserved “awards” for matters trivial, irritating, and otherwise completely random.

  • The What Will They Sponsor Next, The Time Outs? award goes to Werner Ladder for providing the official ladder for the traditional cutting down of the nets.  Official ladder.  Of the NCAA tournament.  Really?
  • The Grumpy Old Men award goes to CBS’s desk crew who bickered like a bunch of old women after the game as Greg Gumbel tried to maintain some sense of decorum.
  • I’ll give myself the You Need To Take Thumper’s Advice award, because I am aware that I have been known to bad-mouth CBS’s motley crew of sports analysts over the years.  Seth Davis, Mike Francessa, and the insufferable Billy Packer drove me bonkers for years.  But this year CBS absolutely outdid themselves with the triumvirate of mind-numbing absurdity, Kenny Smith, Doug Gottleib, and Charles Barkley.  Please, send these NBA bozos back where they came from and give us some respectable college analysts.  Oh, wait, they all work for ESPN.
  • The Other Creepy Doppelganger award goes to Luke Furr, who not only shares the same first name as the Final Four MOP, but also bears a striking resemblance right down to the beard.  Fear the beard!
  • The Lousy Service, Great Commercials award goes to AT&T, whose mobile service I wouldn’t purchase if they were the last provider on earth, but whose “which is better” commercials were the advertising joy of the tournament.  If you haven’t seen the ones that feature basketball legends Larry Bird, Magic Johnson, Kareem Abdul Jabar, and Bill Russell, look them up on YouTube.

Final Contest Awards

Drum roll please.  It’s the moment you’ve all been waiting for.  Here are the 18th annual Jeff’s March Madness Contest final awards.

  • The Rookie Of The Year award goes to Colman Goodwin, who finished 5th overall in his first year in the contest.
  • The King Of The Hill award goes to AJ “TheBracketKing” Spuches, who was the second place finisher in the 12 and under age bracket and wins the award because the top kid already won Rookie of the Year.  AJ finished 12th overall.
  • The One Direction award goes to teen sensation Connor Gillig, our top finisher in the 13-19 age bracket and 34th overall.  As punishment, Connor will be forced to listen to One Direction’s annoying hit “Live While We’re Young” 100 times in succession.
  • The Great Gatsby award goes to the victor of the roaring twenty-somethings, Shane Svenpladsen, third place finisher overall.  Shane will receive two free tickets to the upcoming film version of the F. Scott Fitzgerald classic.
  • The 30 Rock award goes to Toby “The Ammonite” Schneckloth, winner of the thirty-something age bracket and 8th place finisher overall.  Toby will receive a Capitol One credit card signed by Alec Baldwin.  What’s in your wallet?
  • The Mid-life Crisis award goes to Brian “Mooch Madness” Gaffney, second place finisher in the 40-49 age bracket (the winner of this age bracket will be getting a different award), and fourth place finisher overall.
  • The Book ‘Em, Dan-o award goes to Charles Parrish, top finisher in the 50th decade and 31st overall.  Charles will get a no-expenses-paid trip to Hawai’i.  See Kip Layman for details.
  • The Rumors Of My Death Have Been Greatly Exaggerated award goes to Sam Randazzo, winner of the seniors age bracket and second place finisher overall.  Sam will receive the complete set of classic novels by Mark Twain, which I am sure he will promptly being hurling at his other family members who he soundly defeated this year.
  • Speaking of family members, the Survey Says award goes to those with the surname Goodwin, winners of this year’s family feud.
  • The No Girls Allowed award goes to this year’s men, who soundly defeated the women, maintaining the honored tradition of Spanky, Alfalfa, and Buckwheat.
  • The I Am Woman, Hear Me Roar award goes to Kristen “Ohio Who?” Perkins, the contest’s top female finisher and sixth overall.
  • The Just Like Grape award, given in honor of the wisdom of Mr. Miaggi from The Karate Kid, goes to Emma Fair who finished right in the middle of the road in 331st.  Rob Fair will have to explain the joke to her.
  • The I Ask You This Every Year, But Is That Your REAL Name? award goes to seventh place finisher Skid Booles.  That’s a basketball name if there ever was one.
  • The Mission Accomplished award goes to Jonathan “Going For Ninth Place” Hand, who finished exactly there in ninth place.  Jonathan will receive a signed photograph of former President George W. Bush on the deck of the USS Abraham Lincoln.
  • The What Can Brown Do For You? award goes to tenth place finisher Doug Brown who will receive his very own decommissioned UPS truck.
  • The annual I Love This Awesome Scoring System award goes to the contestant who finished highest with a winning percentage below .500.  This year’s winner is Trevis Litherland who finished 15th with a winning percentage of .460.
  • The also annual I Hate This Stupid Scoring System award goes to the contestant who finished the lowest with a winning percentage above .700.  This year’s winner is 33rd place contestant Andy “Bringin’ The Pane” Glassley who finished with a winning percentage of .714.
  • The Top Prognosticator award goes to the contestant who picked the most games right.  While it was a tie with the aforementioned Mr. Glassley, the award goes to Chas Harper who finished higher in the final standings at 19th.
  • And finally, the Contest Champion, The Top Dog, The Head Hancho, The Big Cheese, The Grand Poo-Bah Of Prognostication award goes to this year’s winner, David “pick the mascots” Ricks.  I don’t know if David actually used that strategy, but it proved effective.  David won a respectable two-thirds of his games, had both participants in the national championship game correct with original picks, and picked the correct national champion.  David is a contest rookie to boot.  So congratulations, David.  Here’s hoping you’ve been following along and that you return next year to defend your title.  Congratulations!

Final Thanks

And with that, I offer my heart-felt thanks to the 661 folks who once again made my yearly little spectacle so much fun.  I appreciate all of the tweets, Facebook posts, emails, and text messages.  Many of you who I never met face to face truly feel like old friends.  For you first timers, I hope you enjoyed yourself and found it to be worthwhile in some way.  I hope to see you all back next year for the 19th edition.  Until then, may God richly bless you all with good health, long life, and lots of laughter.

Stepping back behind the curtain,

The Wizard of Whiteland

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