How are the mighty fallen, and the weapons of war perished! – 2 Samuel 1:27
Upset Special
It may seem like this year’s tournament had more first round upsets than most, but this is not the case. 2001 still holds the record in that department with 13 lower seeded teams winning one of the first 32 games. This year’s total was 10, which is still a lot.
- Tonight’s History Maker award is shared between the Florida Gulf Coast Eagles and the Harvard Crimson. Florida Gulf Coast was not the first 15 seed to beat a 2, certainly. Two 15 seeds won within hours of each other last year. What FGC did that was historic was win a game as a 15 seed in their second year of NCAA Division I eligibility. Harvard made history by winning their first ever NCAA Tournament game.
- The Christmas Story Pink Nightmare award goes to the Notre Dame Fighting Fashion Models. Ok, I know I have been harping on this whole ugly uniform thing this year, but how can any team be expected to play tournament-winning basketball while wearing women’s pajamas? I don’t care what anyone says or what rationale anyone gives and what counter-argument anyone offers. Those Notre Dame uniforms are women’s pajamas, period. Watching them take the floor is reminiscent of that scene from the holiday classic, A Christmas Story, where Ralphie comes downstairs in the full-body pink bunny suit pajamas his aunt had made him for Christmas. The best thing the Notre Dame coaching staff could have done for that team at half time is give them different uniforms. At least then they could walk off the floor with their dignity, win or lose.
- The Hand Grenades and Horseshoes award goes to the Western Kentucky Hilltoppers who led #1 seed Kansas by one point at the half. It was a valiant effort at history. Alas, it was not to be, as Kansas center Jeff Withey earned …
- The Dikembe Mutombo award with 6 rebounds and an astounding 7 blocked shots. Near the end of the game I heard the announcers proclaim that WKU was held to 13% shooting from the field in the second half. Speaking of poor shooting…
- Kansas was the first team to win an NCAA tournament game without making a single 3 point basket since Arizona did it in 2001. Weirdly, this seems to be a good omen for Kansas, as the last two teams to accomplish this feat both advanced to the national championship game! (UConn in 1999 and Arizona in 2001). In fact, it gets even more bizarre. Kansas won this game despite making just one…yes, O-N-E…basket outside the paint! They were 1-13 shooting outside the lane. Holy brick layers, Batman!
And Now For Something Totally Random
- The Reggie Miller Choke Artist award goes to Cincinnati’s Shaquille Thomas who, after being on the receiving end of a flagrant foul, missed both foul shots with his team down 6 and 54 seconds to play. And speaking of flagrant fouls…
- The Stupidest Rule In College Basketball award has to go to this zero-tolerance policy with regard to contact above the shoulders with the elbows. Generally speaking, I am not a proponent of zero-tolerance policies in virtually context, as they take judgment and reason completely out of the equation, instead favoring often draconian letter-of-the-law penalties that make no sense. Exhibit A happened during the game between UCLA and Minnesota. Minnesota’s Oto Osenieks clearly fouled UCLA’s Tony Parker in the act of shooting. It was a hard but clean foul. Parker, who was getting hammered on both arms by Osenieks, extended those arms up in the air to be sure to demonstrate he was in the act of shooting. In doing so, his elbow inadvertently contacted Osenieks’ head, the player who fouled him. Off go the refs to the replay monitor. Sure enough, they return with the assessment of a flagrant one foul on Parker. Remember, Parker is the dude who just got hammered by the defender in the act of shooting. Zero tolerance. Zero sense.
And Now A Word From Our Sponsors
Watch enough March Madness and you start to see the same commercials multiple times. The following is a short list of my observations so far.
- The DirectTV Genie Commercials where the principle characters portray outrageous analogies to illustrate their hatred for cable very likely can be applied to how many of you feel about my contest. It’s more annoying than sitting next to a ventriloquist’s dummy on an airplane, more infuriating than being tied up in the woods and tortured by clowns, more disheartening than watching your pet chihuahua being snatched up by a predatory hawk.
- Anyone besides me notice just how strangely creepy the background music is in that “Blind Date” commercial for Bud Light? You know, the one where the dude says, “Those are my friends hitting on your friends?” Listen to the music the next time it comes on. It’s sounds like some kind of spooky, ritualistic drum cadence from the Shaka Zulu movie.
- By far my favorite series of commercials these days are the AT&T commercials where the man quizzes different sets of kids on “Which is better?” While “tape a cheetah to her back” will probably be my all-time favorite quip from these commercials, the little girl’s rant about wanting more rather than less is also outstanding. And remember, to be fast is better than to be bitten by a werewolf! Oh yeah, and Nicky rhymes with flash.
- The Applebee’s add featuring Bobby Knight and Digger Phelps is terrific. “That’s not how you throw a chair,” Knight deadpans.
- While I find them generally unfunny and downright annoying, the latest commercial for Sonic with the two buddies who just can’t seem to grow up and get a clue actually made me laugh out loud. If you haven’t seen it, the guys are crouched down in the back of a convertible, eating their sundaes from Sonic. When buddy number one asks buddy number two why they are hiding, he says it is because his wife doesn’t want him eating dessert without him. Buddy number one then offers to be the lookout, saying he will squawk like a bird if he spots buddy number two’s wife. About that time, said wife walks by, sundae in hand, and says pleasantly, “Hi, honey,” at which point buddy number one dutifully squawks. Perfect.
Ok, that’s enough of that foolishness.
Day Two Awards
It’s time to hand out the day two awards.
- The annual Upset Stomach Award, sponsored by Larry the Cable Guy, goes to the three contestants who picked all 10 first round upsets: Paul Sopke, Paul Smith, and Kasiah Hand. Now, the brother’s Paul guaranteed this outcome by picking ALL upsets for every first round game. This is not a winning strategy, of course, because it severely limits their ability to win any games this weekend. Kasiah, on the other hand, seems to have taken a more strategic approach. We shall see how it plays out.
- The round one Top Prognosticator award goes to Jim Swank, the contestant with the best winning percentage so far. Jim is 27-5 and currently in 15th place.
- The Biggest Loser award, sponsored by Subway, goes to Jamie Fairchild, who climbed as high as 23rd only to drop to 198th. Jamie will receive an autographed picture of Jared and a five dollar footlong.
- The Rising Star award goes to Vanessa Sopke who has clawed her way from 627th up to 80th.
- The Cheater’s Never Prosper award goes to Campbell Inskeep, who is actually Nathan Inskeep’s toddler son. Since Campbell is incapable of speaking or even pointing in response to “which team do you want to win,” these picks are, in reality, Nathan’s riskier bracket in disguise. I would like to take this opportunity to reiterate official rule 27, section 2, subsection A, paragraph ii, line 7, which states, quote, “Though shalt not circumvent rule 26, section 1, subsection B, which states that only one entry per person shall be deemed valid and eligible for the contest, by entering a second bracket in the name of ones offspring if said offspring has not reached sufficient age as to engage in meaningful, verbal communication.” That’s a two stroke penalty for you, Nathan. Don’t let it happen again.
- The Double Take award goes to Anthony Spuches and, well, Anthony Spuches! At first I thought that a single Anthony Spuches had entered twice (in clear violation of rule 26, section 1, subsection B) until I noticed that one Anthony is 12 and under and the other is 40 to 49. I’m guessing this is a father-son duo. Admittedly, my contest database doesn’t deal with identically named individuals very well. Put that down for next year’s upgrade.
- The Best Contest Related Facebook Post award goes to Audrey Bateson, currently tied for 515th: “Greatest accomplishment today – beating Luke in the March Madness contest!!” Luke Bateson, her son, is currently tied for 633rd.
- The Louis Armstrong award goes to Evan Gidley, the jazz musician currently ranked an impressive 30th in the contest. See the contest Facebook page for an excellent news piece on Evan and his fellow musicians.
- The Cynical Quote Of The Day award goes to Brad Schafer, currently tied for 189th. Brad emailed me the following quip this afternoon. “[Wisconsin coach] Bo Ryan looks like a combo mafia/tv evangelist reject, and his team plays like they’ve never heard of any sport at all.” Published with (muted) apologies to Badger fans everywhere.
- The Honorable Mention award goes to three contestants who spent time at number one in our contest at some point after the completion of the 16th game but have since dropped in the rankings: Amber Little, Brock Zagel, and Jacob Deaver.
- The Dishonorable Discharge award goes to three contestants who spent time in dead last in our contest at some point after the completion of the 16th game: David Vandre, Ryan Schneckloth, and Fess Bryson.
- The Are You Smarter Than A Kindergartner award goes to five-year-old Drew Detamore, currently in second place in the contest with 74 points.
- Finally, the Pole Position award goes to current contest leader Kasiah Hand. As I mentioned earlier, she has employed a rather interesting strategic mix of choosing all upsets for certain seeds but sticking with “safer” picks for later games. As such, she has 79 points but a winning percentage of only 0.469. Could it be that Kasiah has Jeff’s contest “figured out”? We’ll see where she sits after the weekend. In the meantime, Kasiah will receive an autographed photo of Danicka Patrick for her efforts.
It’s been a fun first two days of the contest, but I must say, I’m exhausted. Maybe that has something to do with the fact that it’s 3:30 AM. The Facebook page has added a pleasant new dynamic to the contest, and the 661 entries (I ended up deleting one duplicate entry brought to my attention by a conscientious contestant) certainly make my job more interesting, if not more time consuming. I appreciate everyone’s kind emails, tweets, and posts, and I laugh at the good-natured jabs, too. Keep ’em coming!
With that, I step back behind the curtain.
The Wizard of Whiteland