Nicknames stick to people, and the most ridiculous are the most adhesive. ~Thomas C. Haliburton
Midday Quick Hitters
There were only two upsets in the first eight games, though #9 Wichita States’s victory over #8 Pittsburgh is an upset in name only. The other might have been the most predictable upset in the entire tournament, the grossly underseeded Oregon Ducks defeating Oklahoma State.
Pass The Pepto
One of the games I wrestled with at length as I was making my picks was #3 Marquette vs #14 Davidson. The statistical analyses had Marquette pegged as a likely upset victim due to their woeful three point shooting. Sure enough, with less than two minutes left in the game, I was tweeting of my own cowardice in deciding to go with Marquette. Then the Golden Eagles literally snatched victory right from the gaping jaws of defeat, hitting three three-pointers in the final minute for the improbable comeback and one point victory.
Road Warriors
Another upset that almost was belonged to the St. Mary’s Gaels. Listen, I’ll take the Memphis Tigers in a slam dunk contest any day, but I am firmly convinced that had St. Mary’s not played on Tuesday, got stuck in the airport overnight, been up until 3:00 AM today, and played this afternoon anyway, they would have won. After banking in a three pointer to pull within two with just a few seconds left, St. Mary’s forced a Memphis turnover, giving them the ball on their end of the floor with 1.9 seconds left. Matthew Dellavedova took the final shot, a three pointer for the win, but his fatigue was evident, and he overcompensated, hoisting an air ball beyond the rim. My point is that if Memphis nearly loss to a half-dead, jet-lagged, utterly exhausted team that played less than 36 hours earlier, they are going nowhere in this tournament.
Crazy Eights
Fourty-three (43) contestants picked the first eight games correctly today. They share the lead with 16 points. Tonight’s games should provide a little more separation in the standings.
Alias Awards
Ok, folks, it’s the moment you’ve all been waiting for. I have poured over the 400+ aliases and selected those most worthy of recognition. As contestant Angie Davis texted me earlier this week, “I can’t think of a good alias, and that’s the only thing that matters!” Some days I think the contest has become more about picking a good alias than picking game winners.
There seemed to be several Duck Dynasty references this year, and while I am sure these are amusing to fans of the show, they are lost on me. I’ve never seen an episode. I realize that is anathema to rednecks everywhere, but hey, I’m busy.
Also used more than once was the Internet meme, “Ain’t nobody got time for dat.” That’s played out. I ain’t got time for that.
So, before we get to the awards, there are several aliases I thought worthy of a retort.
- Daphne “What’s seeds to do with it” Allender – Ask Tina Turner.
- Jon “What does ‘Boiler Up’ mean?” Blair – Play poorly?
- Scott “Like a Broken Clock” Booher – Going for two wins a day, I guess.
- Sonny “Stuck in SEC Land” Clair – You have my sympathy.
- Steven “counting on beginner’s luck” Clair – That strategy seems pretty sketchy.
- Wendy “Again? I’m doing this again?” Cooper – You can’t win. You can’t lose. You can’t even quit the game.
- Kirk “Captain of MEF” Daniels – I’m givin’ er all she’s got, cap’n!
- Allen “Winter is Coming” Davidson – Winter never left. In fact, it seems a blizzard is coming to Indiana on Sunday.
- Jim “I’ve been waiting for 20 years” Davis – Let’s hope the wait is over.
- Rebecca “PrettyJerseyPicker” Davis – You must be a Cincinnati fan.
- Rob “104 years isn’t” Fair – Spoken like a Cubs fan.
- Steven “I’m not crazy, my mother had me tested” Fifield – They don’t call it March Madness for nothing.
- Bradley “No pinching OK?” Geistwhite – Ok.
- Evan “Who would bet against Butler?” Gidley – About 118 contestants.
- Eric “Goats to the left” Gruss – Sheep to the right.
- Sarah “I’m back” Hand – Thanks for the warning.
- Spencer “Stole the Bracket Answer Key” Hofer – Wait, there’s an answer key?
- Phillip “Boilermaker till the End” Huneck – The end is near.
- Ada “When in doubt, askt eh voices in my head” Lam – What did they say?
- Dawn “OICURSB2?” Lamb – Oh, I see you are WHAT, too? I don’t get it.
- Tom “RU4IU2” Lannan – Yes I am.
- Kip “Even if I lose, I still live in Hawaii” Layman – Don’t rub it in.
- Graham “the cracker” Little – What else would his alias be?
- Kim “Dead Last Finish is better than DNS!” Livingston – That’s looking at the bright side.
- Mark “Watford’s Beard” O’Maley – That’s just funny.
- Veronica “No one can spell Geistwhite” Ramirez – Except for Brad, of course.
- Darren “Glad I didn’t buy Indy Regional Tickets” Renier – Mine were given to me.
- Nathan “ND’sChancesAreAsRealAsMantiTe’o’sGF” Richards – Wait, she’s not real?
- Frank “Too many Randazzos in this pool” Riviera – They do seem to be multiplying.
- Heather “Kiss Me, I’m Batman” Schafer – I don’t think my wife would approve.
- Jason “Mac” Snyder – I’m a PC.
- Paul “Last Place Is The New First Place” Sopke – Good, because that’s where you’re headed.
- Mike “I’ve Never Lost to Jeff in Axis & Allies” White – Rematch!
- Jordan “I’m not good at this” Wise – Neither am I.
- Ryanne “I hope I’m a good guesser” Wise – Don’t we all.
- Chris “The Wizard of Pittsburgh” Wright – There’s only room for ONE Wizard in this contest!
- Adam “Where are my Boilers?” Yoder – Check one of those OTHER post season tournaments.
Honorable Mentions
Before I announce this year’s best alias, I want to recognize a few of the really clever ones. It was difficult to pick a winner.
The Burma Shave Award
This award goes to two families in the contest, the Fairchilds and Risners, who used the alphabetical nature of the contestants list to assemble clever quip reminiscent of the roadside Burma Shave signs. The Risner offering is, “Hello. My name…is Inigo…Montoya…You killed…my father…Prepare to die.” The Fairchild version was even better, because Bob Fairchild is NOT a member of that family. Undeterred, they used it to their advantage. “I can’t believe…Bob Fairchild…interrupted our…chance to…make a…GREAT Alias…catch phrase!” Classic!
Best Puns
- Angie “victorious secret” Crone –
- Ben “Ola Depot” Crone
- Heather “Metaphors be with you” Hearne – Let the Wookie win!
- Rick “Dunk ‘n GoNuts” Morgan
- Madeline “I mustache you a question?” Muschalik
- Nanette “Aunt Toinette” Pummell – Off with her head!
- Chuck “‘Older’ dipo” Sage
- Matt “Dr Jan Itor” Thurber
- Scott “Constance Noring” Whitlow
Best Use of One’s Own Name
- Tim “The Tool” Mandara – More power! Ho ho ho!
- Jason “My Picks Are F” Roehl – Hint: Roehl sounds like Rail.
- Brian “I hope my picks don’t flounder!” Trout
- Ramona “Ramona from Iona” Wicht
Other Superlatives
- The Best Use of a Literary Reference award goes to Mark “LesMiserablesPicks” Wynn If only Mrs. Zimmerman could see you now.
- The Shameless Self-Promotion award Chris “1dayroofing.com” Johnson. See him for all your roofing needs.
- The Funniest Use of a Stupid Internet Meme award goes to Garrison “Harlem Shakes because its scared of ME!” Cooper.
- The Howard Hughes Award For Sheer Paranoia goes to Anon “IDontWantTheGovernment2knowMyPicksMan” Emus. Whoever you are, I don’t work for the government.
- The Best Variation of a Children’s Rhyme award goes to Misty “Weenie Mimi Whiny Mo” Stepro, which is truly hilarious for those of us who know her personally.
- The Politics of Spin award goes to Jamie “the sequester forces accuracy cuts” Prime. Next thing you know he’ll be blaming losses by specific teams on the sequester.
Top 5
And now for the top five aliases in this year’s contest.
5. Blake “IwearTheCandyStripedPantsInThisFamily” Dieringer. I really must insist that a picture be posted on the contest Facebook page as proof.
4. Bob “Sting like a butterfly Punch like a flea” Johnson.
3. Trevis “Hey, UK? Hoosiers fans are!” Litherland. I’ll admit it took me a minute, but I finally “got it”.
2. Brock “Cody Zeller’s doppleganger” Zagel. If you knew Brock, you’d understand how funny this really is. Let me put it to you this way. Not only do they look alike in the face (as much as two men 25 years apart in age can look alike), but if you closed your eyes and listened to them both speak, you would not be able to distinguish them from one another. I’m completely serious.
1. After months of posturing and intense lobbying, and as much as I wanted to give it to someone else out of sheer irritation, Ryan Helton really does have the best alias this year: My plumber is a cracketologist. This is a superb mix of portmanteau, pun, and March Madness tie-in Well done, Ryan. Mission accomplished.
And now it’s back to the TVs for tonight’s games. Look for the final day one commentary and awards in your inbox tomorrow morning.
The Wizard of Whiteland