The Madness Returns

Following an afternoon of fairly predictable and relatively unexciting games, the madness returned in the evening session.

The Butler Did It Again

“The slipper still fits!” Gus Johnson roars in CBS’s stock promotional trailer for March Madness, and when it comes to teams that simply should not be able to win but find a way to do so, none is more apropos than the Butler Bulldogs. I have been watching this tournament for the better part of 30 years, since I was a young boy, and I have never, EVER, seen a game end the way tonight’s game between Butler and top-seeded Pittsburgh did. After making the go-ahead basket with about two seconds to play, Butler star Shelvin Mack earned the Boneheaded Play of the Day award by fouling Pittsburgh star Gilbert Brown 45 feet from the basket. An 80+ percent free throw shooter, it was a near certainty that Brown would sink both free throws and the Bulldogs with 1.4 seconds to play. After making the first to tie the game, Brown inconveniently missed the second, and Butler’s Matt Howard grabbed the rebound and attempted to heave it toward the other end. That’s when Pittsburgh’s Nasir Robinson earned the Boneheaded Play of the Decade award by fouling Howard on the heave. With 0.8 seconds left, Howard made the first free throw and then missed the second on purpose, sealing the most improbable 71-70 victory of my lifetime. Yes, I remember Christian Laettner’s 1992 miracle, but that was Duke. This is Butler, the little engine that could. While I fully expected Pittsburgh to choke prior to the final four, I honestly gave Butler no chance in this game. Incredible.

Survive And Advance

That’s what second-seeded San Diego State did tonight in a double-overtime victory over the pesky Temple Owls. Keep in mind that before this past Thursday, San Diego State had never won an NCAA tournament game. Tonight the weight of high expectations that go with a #2 seed were clearly weighing heavily upon them, as the more the game wore on, the tighter they became. When this game was over, I felt it would be an accurate assessment to say that the team that made more stupid mistakes lost. UConn is going to be a big challenge for San Diego State in the Sweet 16.

This Means War

The badger is a ferocious little critter, and I can’t think of a word that more aptly describes the Wisconsin Badgers’ style of play. Mike Bruesewitz is playing most of the game on one good leg. Jon Leuer is bleeding from the head. Kansas State Coach Frank Martin is staring holes through everyone. The elbows are flying. The body count is rising. Yet somehow those pesky Badgers find a way to win. I am utterly shocked they scored 70 points in doing so. I am convinced Wisconsin’s typical MO is to bore their opponent to death. They certainly bore me to death. (As evidence, I offer a certain nefarious photo of me being circulated on Facebook, but more on that later.)

I’m A Believer Now

I had picked one upset among today’s eight games, but Butler wasn’t it. I will admit that I was not prepared to join the Kemba Walker fan club and write in UConn as the de-facto Duke challenger for the West region’s representative in the Final Four. I had Cincinnati taking them out in this round, but Walker would have none of it. I don’t know that UConn can get past Duke, but I think I would take them against just about anyone else…except Butler, of course.

Star Power

The theme of today’s games was superlative individual performances by many teams’ superstars. Today’s hall of fame includes:

• Pullen The Trigger – Kansas State’s Jacob Pullen had 38 points in a losing effort against Wisconsin.
• You Got Jimmered – BYU’s Jimmer Fredette scored 34 points in their shellacking of Gonzaga.
• Shelvin Mack Attack – Butler’s Shelvin Mack scored 30 points, including seven 3-point baskets, in Butler’s dispatching of the tournament’s first #1 seed.
• A Knight’s Tale – Kentucky’s Brandon Knight scored 30 points in Kentucky’s victory over West Virginia in the Hillbilly Hoedown Throwdown.

What’s Hot And What’s Not

An annual tradition in my March Madness commentary is a rundown of the hip and the horrible in the tournament viewing experience. What follows are this year’s winners and losers.

What’s Hot

• Blocked Shots – I don’t have the time or energy to do the research, but there seems to be a preponderance of blocked shots in this year’s tournament, especially blocked shots of the bone crushing, ball deflating, howl inducing variety. Morehead State’s Kenneth Faried had one block so ferocious, I was certain he had killed the shooter.
• LeBron James and Dwight Howard McDonald’s Commercial – It’s a remake of a classic. In 1993, Larry Bird and Michael Jordan appeared in a commercial for McDonald’s in which they played a game of horse, the prize being Jordan’s lunch from McDonald’s. Bird is best remembered for his line, “And no dunking,” as the contest begins. For the younger contestants among us, when you hear someone say, “Off the wall, under the table, nothin’ but net,” it’s an allusion to this commercial. In this year’s remake, Howard tells LeBron, “No jump shots,” an obvious dig at Larry Legend’s aversion to dunking. After a few circus dunks concluding with Howard’s backboard-shattering finale, the camera cuts to Bird clapping his hands in the empty gym. “Great show, guys,” Larry quips, “And thanks for lunch.” As Larry wads up the McDonald’s bag and eats the last fry, a confused Howard asks, “Who’s dat?” “I have no idea,” LeBron deadpans. “He’s taking our lunch, though,” Howard complains as the spot cuts to music. Priceless.
• Dreadlocks & Tattoos – With the notable exception of the Belmont Bruins (as pointed out by TNT analyst Reggie Miller), today’s typical collegiate athlete scores more tatts than points, and the rubber-banded bundle of dreads seems to have replaced corn rows and afros as the African American hairstyle of choice. As a matter of preference (and all things of this ilk are exactly that – a matter of personal preference), I dig the dreads. The tatts? Not so much.
• Neoprene Sleeves – Those of you who are old enough might remember a time in the early 80’s when the Oakland Raiders’ Lester Hayes used so much Stickum that the NFL decided to ban it. Stickum was a substance used to improve a player’s grip, much in the same way today’s high-tech gloves purportedly do. The thing about Hayes was that he didn’t just put the Stickum on his hands. He had it on his elbows, his knees, his shins, and his helmet. I have yet to see anyone catch a ball with any of those body parts (New York Giants’ receiver David Tyree being the possible exception), but I guess you never know. I am wondering if the NCAA and/or the NBA are going to be forced to make a similar move with regards to the ubiquitous neoprene sleeve. First made “famous” by Allen Iverson, I believe, they are now worn by such NBA notables as Dwight Howard, and are showing up on more and more collegiate players, and on more and more of their limbs. When I heard the announcer call the name of Kentucky’s DeAndre Liggins, I thought at first that he was referring to his “Leggin’s”, the two neoprene sleeves he wore on each leg, in addition to the ones on his arms. In fact, thanks to Liggins’ Leggin’s, not one inch of skin was visible other than his head and hands. Is this really necessary? What purpose do these things serve? Perhaps it is to cover up one’s tattoos.
• Gus Johnson & Len Elmore – I know I say it every year. I mean it every year. These guys are the best broadcasting duo in all of sports. Gus’ excitement coupled with Len’s insight and wit are simply sublime.Vern Lundquist & Bill Raftery aren’t too shabby, either. This leads me to ask why, oh why, must we endure the likes of Jim Nantz for the Final Four? This makes no sense. It’s the quintessential Peter Principle in action.

What’s Not

• Free Throws – A surprising number of games so far have featured an even more surprising dearth of free throw attempts. I don’t know if this is because the referees are just “lettin’ ’em play” or more teams are bombing long range jumpers than ever before. Michigan became the first team in tournament history to win a game (by 30 points, no less) without making a single free throw. In my opinion, for those free throws that are attempted, the rate at which they are made continues to decline.
• The CEO Of Sprint Giving Us An English Lesson – The commercial in which Sprint’s CEO drones on in an irritating monotone about a word he looked up in the dictionary does not motivate me to switch carriers.
• Bad Camera Angles – The robotic camera on top of the basket is cool when used judiciously. Cutting to that camera angle for a full half court possession…at the other end of the court…is not judicious. I watch the games on TV instead of paying money for the lousy seats behind the basket. Someone needs to inform the director in the truck.
• Charles Barkley – Don’t get me wrong. As a person, I find Sir Charles very entertaining. As a commentator, he’s…well…he’s just turrible.
• Spandex Full Body Suits – Ok, this is one that I simply do not get. We see them in every crowd shot, the young men decked out from head to toe in what can best be described as a giant pair of panty hose. These suits typically come in the fan’s team’s color and covers everything – eyes, nose, mouth, ears, all of it. Now, years ago, I was asked to dress up as the eagle mascot for our church’s summer VBS, an experience so traumatic I cringe to recall it. While this costume had the eagle’s head, feet, and torso, it did not include “legs”. Thus, I was asked to put on panty hose, I suppose because eagles do not have white man legs. I remember as a 14-year-old adolescent how difficult it was to put on those panty hose. “What sadistic criminal invented these things?” I remember asking myself. I am certain you ladies are thinking, “You don’t know the half of it.” I have three daughters and have certainly spent my share of Sunday mornings trying to assist the little princesses in getting into their nylon straight jackets. All of this leads me to ask, “What in the world would possess a person to put on a full-bodied version of panty hose?” I mean, how long does it take to get that thing on? And how do you get in it, exactly? Is there a hole? A zipper? How many people does it require to complete the task? And what do you do if you get hungry? Or thirsty? What if you have to go to the bathroom? No, folks, I simply do not understand spandex man. This is a fad that cannot go away soon enough.

Day Three Awards

CBS and the NCAA have me all confused by calling round one, round two, and round two, round three, to the point where I have given up altogether. So, we will call today’s awards simply the “Day Three Awards,” unless of course you count the play-in games as actually tournament days, in which case these would be the “Day Five Awards”. Whatever.

• The Paparazzi award goes to Heather Little, who snapped and published a nefarious and completely unauthorized photo of the contest manager. An investigation has been launched into how the photo was obtained. Charges will be filed. The contest manager emphatically denies any and all rumors that he ever sleeps, especially during basketball games. That’s my official statement. I will not be taking any questions.
• The Prozac award, sponsored by Eli Lilly & Company, goes to Jeffery “My Bracket Is Depressing” Cardwell. One can understand Jeffery’s state of mind, seeing he is 384th place. There is reason for good cheer, though, Jeffery. You are still beating your father!
• The Don’t Worry, Be Happy award goes to Patty “I’m not having any fun” Brown, my beloved Aunt. Patty is tied for 487th, but actually has picked quite a few games right. Cheer up, Patty. Golf season approaches.
• The Biggest Loser award, sponsored by Slim Fast, goes to Mary Jo Harper, who dropped from 91st to 431st. Hang in there, Mary Jo.
• The Buzz Lightyear To Infinity And Beyond award goes to Gabriel Geistwhite who has climbed from 498th to 78th. That’s not flying. It’s falling with style.
• The Candy Man Can’t, Apparently award goes to William “The Candy Man” Harper, currently in dead last. The re-pick round approaches.
• The Perfect 7, Perfect 10 award goes to the ten contestants who picked seven out of today’s eight games correctly (no one picked all eight): Andrea Little, Tom Lannan, Maegan Neely, Ben McCann, Julie Harman, Mike Brown, Neysa Lei, Phil Donahue, Blake Dieringer, and Ben Watkins.
• The Cinderella Story award goes to the 90 homers in the contest who picked Butler to win. Your names will not be listed. You know who you are. Yes, I’m bitter.
• Finally, the Pole Position award goes to the current contest leader Big Ben Hodson, who returns to the lead after relinquishing it for a brief stint. It should be noted that the difference between first and 10th place is a mere 10 points, so it is way too early to celebrate.

With that, I’m off to get some sleep. No pictures, please.

The Wizard of Whiteland

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