“Applaud, my friends, the comedy is over.” – The last words of Ludwig van Beethoven

Greetings, fine minions. We bring another edition of Jeff’s March Madness Contest to a close with the traditional final commentary and awards. I must say this year’s tournament was one of the most unusual, unexpected, and exciting tournaments in memory. To the first timers I say that I hope the contest added to your enjoyment of the tournament, and I hope that I will see your entry again next year. To the veterans who have played for years and still have not cracked the top 100 I say, soldier on, good minions. Soldier on.

Game Thoughts

• The Law of Averages Is Still Undefeated – If you will recall, I marveled on Saturday at how Kentucky managed to beat Wisconsin despite terrible free throw shooting. The bitter irony for the Badgers was that they missed a single free throw the entire game and lost by a single point. Tonight the Cats finally ran out of lives. Once again shooting an abysmal 54% from the line, they took more than twice as many free throws as UConn (24), and missed more free throws (11) than UConn made (10)! UConn was 10-10 from the line and won by 6. You do the math. Kentucky simply failed to capitalize on UConn’s mounting foul trouble in the second half, and that ultimately spelled their doom.
• Ich bin ein Berliner – No, he’s not a jelly doughnut, nor is he JFK. He is German native and Husky guard Niels Giffey, and his modest stat line belies the importance of the two three pointers he made at critical junctures in the game. Kentucky never led in this game, though it seemed as though they almost had to on at least two occasions, down 1. But in every case, someone like Giffey would hit a critical three pointer and keep the Cats at bay.
• We Really Need a Tuck Rule In College Hoops – Note to NCAA rules committee. I propose the following: Any player who tucks the ball in the crease of his elbow like a football on his way to a layup or dunk shall immediately be whistled for a travel no matter how many steps he has actually taken or is perceived to have taken. This move is just anathema to all that is basketball and should be banned forthwith.
• Doubles Had Troubles – Kentucky twins Andrew and Aaron Harrison were basically no shows in this game, and that hurt the Wildcats.  James Young had a monstrous game, and Julius Randle was respectable, but UK had only those two players in double figures and struggled to get anything going on offense all night.
• Thanks For The Tip – The Useless Stat Of The Tournament award goes to CBS for putting up this gem just a minute or two into the second half. “Kentucky 4-0 when trailing or tied at the half this tournament.” Yeah? And what were they when leading at the half? Right, 1-0, because in order to even be playing in this game, they have to be 5-0 by definition.
• Another Answer? – I couldn’t help but make mental comparisons between Shabazz Napier and Allen Iverson throughout this tournament. Shifty, smart, great shooter, able to create his own shots, along with that quintessential Iverson swagger. I wonder how he feels about practice?
• That’s One Way To Say It – The Euphemism Of The Tournament award has to go to Kentucky Coach John Calipari who bristles at his players being referred to as “one-and-done” (said in reference to their playing one year of college basketball due to NBA rules and then declaring for the NBA draft). In an interview over the weekend Calipari offered a different, kinder catch phrase: “Succeed and proceed.” Clever, coach. Can we quote you on that, coach?
• Chris Webber!!! – One of my favorite commercials of the tournament is the Burger King spot where Michigan alum and member of the legendary Fab Five, Chris Webber shows up at some dude’s Final Four party. Not much was made of the fact that this Kentucky squad was something of the next edition of the Fab Five, starting five freshmen. The similarities are there, entering the tournament as something of an unknown novelty and making an improbable run to the championship only to come up one game short. I know some of you want me to keep going and point out that all of the original Fab Five’s victories – every single one of them – was vacated by the NCAA because of pay-for-play rules violations. I know you want me to accuse Kentucky of those violations, too, but I still believe in the American ideal of innocent until proven guilty, so I have no further comment.
• Celebrate With Care – The Teddy Ginn Award for Excessive Celebration goes to Kentucky’s Alex Poythress who apparently twisted his knee on Saturday night in the post-game celebration dog pile. That’ll be 15 yards and a slap on the back of the head. Getting hurt in a post-game celebration when you’ll be playing for the championship two days later is not a smart move.

And Now A Word From Our Sponsors

Throughout this year’s tournament I’ve made a few comments about the commercials the various sponsors have been running. Here are my final 2014 Advertising Campaign awards.

• The Sammy Terry Award For Most Disturbing Commercial In A Sporting Event goes to Amazon’s FireTV for their spot featuring Gary Busey acting like, well, Gary Busey. He talks to himself, his pants, the ocean, and a bell, among other things, apparently to demonstrate how good FireTV’s voice recognition software is. My kids are having nightmares about bad hair and large teeth.
• The Meet The New Boss, Same As The Old Boss award goes to Buick for their spot in which they present their new line of Buicks that look exactly like every other Buick I’ve ever seen, and yet the actors want us to believe that the new Buick is so unlike the old Buick that you won’t even be able to pick it out of a parking lot. Not quite.
• The Most Inappropriate Commercial of All Time award goes to the PSA – I guess it’s a PSA – about getting a free colonoscopy. Really? A colonoscopy? Oh can I please? Where do I sign up?

March Madness Memories

In the spirit of the ubiquitous Top Ten List, here are words and catch phrases that stand out in my warped mind from this year’s tournament (in no particular order):

• Dougie McBuckets
• Did it hurt? When you fell from heaven?
• Lowland Gorilla
• Onions!
• Anything ever uttered by Charles Barkley
• Nothing ever uttered by Seth Davis
• And the officials will now check the monitor…
• Stephen F. Austin
• Epic Mean Mug
• How about we settle this over a game of horsh?

The Final Awards

Ok minions, it’s the moment you’ve all been waiting for, the final awards of this year’s contest. I do believe this was the highest scoring contest we’ve ever had due to there being so many upset bonus points and scategories bonus points available for the unlikely winners. Only four people picked UConn as the national champion, and two of those were re-picks. That means out of 722 contestants, only two picked UConn from the very beginning, and as you might imagine, they finished first and second by a mile. Big risk, big reward.

So now let us recognize the winners and the losers of Jeff’s March Madness Contest 2014.

• The Mr. Peabody’s Little Boy Sherman award goes to the first place finisher in the 12 and under age group, Tyson “My Turn” Glassley.  Tyson finished 17th overall. Tyson will receive a free trip in the Wayback to the historical period of his choosing .(Just don’t cause any temporal anomalies.)
• The Teen Queen award goes to Katie “QB1 dillon panthers” Muschalik who was the top contestant in the 13-19 age group and finished 6th overall. As soon as I figure out who QB1 Dillon is, I’ll make sure Katie gets an autographed jersey.
  
• The Foresight Is 20-20 award goes to Lilly “I love the Little family” Richardson who finished first in the 20-29 age group and, appropriately, 20th overall. Lilly will receive a gift certificate to Forever 21. (Not really, but maybe Zach Richardson will take her there as a reward.)
• The 30 for 30 award, sponsored by ESPN, goes to Chris “What is this basketball you speak of?” Grunden, top finisher in the 30-39 age group and 3rd overall. Chris had UConn and Kentucky in the final game, but needed a re-pick for UConn, AND he picked Kentucky to win. Better luck next time, but 3rd is pretty good. Chris will receive the full boxed set of all the ESPN 30 for 30 films (most of which are very good, by the way).
  
• The Middle Age Spread award goes to the second place finisher in the 40-49 age group, Roy “Wildcats Rule” Stickney. Roy is a long time contestant and finished 4th overall this year, betrayed by his Kentucky Wildcats. Roy gets this award because the top finisher in this age group is also the contest champion.
• The Surf’s Up award goes to Bruce “nanook slapper” Schafer who finished first in the 50-59 age group and 8th overall. Wait for it…Book ’em, Dan-Oh!
• The Super Senior award goes to Paul “Gramps” Boswell who finished second in the 60 and over age group and 9th overall. Gramps gets this award because the top finisher in this age group is also the contest runner-up.
• The Survey Says! award goes to the winning family in the Family Feud (actually it’s the winning family name, but that’s just a minor detail), the Moritz family with an average score of 167. Each Moritz will receive an autographed photograph of Richard Dawson (which is better than a kiss from Richard Dawson). The Three Strikes award goes to last place family Gomez with an average of 48.50.
• The Mr. Miaggi “Just Like Grape” Award For Mediocrity goes to middle-of-the-road finishers Richard Goodwin in 361st and Elianna Regan in 362nd. Remember the wise words of the sensei: “Walk left side road, ok. Walk right side, ok, too. Walk middle, squish, just like grape. You either basketball yes or basketball no. You basketball, ‘Guess so’. Squish, just like grape.”
• The Century Award goes to 100th place contestant Aidan “Dr. Bracketology” Gillig. I don’t recommend going to that doctor for a March Madness consultation.
• The At Least Your Namesake Is A Hall Of Famer award goes to 200th place contestant Larry “Bird” Brown.  Well, sort of…
• The That’s a Perfect Game If You’re Bowling award goes to Tim Darnall and Steve Elkins who tied for 300th.
• The At Least I Didn’t Finish Last award goes to 721st place contestant Rebecca “Elsa Snow” Harper.  Rebecca will receive a limited edition, gold-plated, Blu-Ray copy of Frozen. (Not really, unless her parents want to buy one for her. Check eBay.)
• The Sophomore Slump award goes to last year’s contest champion David “Pick The Mascot” Ricks who finished in 130th this year. Respectable, but unremarkable. For the record, we’ve never had a repeat champion, so don’t feel too bad.
• The You Should Have Picked the Mascot Like Your Dad award goes to Spencer “Pick the Shoes” Ricks, who finished in 360th. You picked the wrong shoes, bro.
• The Rookie of the Year award goes to 10th place finisher Jeremiah “Arieusman” Turnley, who finished fourth among contest rookies. Jeremiah gets this award because the three rookies ahead of him already received other awards.
• The Last Shall Be First award goes to 7th place finisher Heidi “mom” Johnson, who rose from near dead last (719th) to finish in the top 10. Way to go, Mom. Now get yourself a pedicure.
• The High Five award goes to 5th place finisher Liana Wilson. Give yourself a high five. (I know that’s lame, but I’m exhausted, and I couldn’t come up with anything wittier.)
  
• The I Hate This Stupid Scoring System award goes to Mike “Mike65” Don’t Call Me Gilligan Gillig who actually had a better winning percentage (.730) than the contest champion (.714) and yet finished in 107th.
  
• The I Will Have To Find Somewhere Mighty Uncomfortable To Sleep This Week If I Don’t Give Her An Award award goes to my wife and biggest…critic…I’m kidding, she’s my biggest fan, promoter, cheerleader, and everything else, Heather “all that’s left is my award” Little, who finished in 292nd this year. I know all men say it, but I mean it. Without Heather this contest doesn’t happen. She makes sacrifices so that I can hibernate in my office watching four games at once, scratching down notes for the commentary on my computer. Not only that, but Heather is a true college basketball fan, and many of the clever witticisms you hear from me actually come from her. I love you, babe.
• The I Nearly Didn’t Enter This Contest Until My Sister Twisted My Arm, And I Ended Up Making The Most Impossible Pick Of The Contest award goes to Carol “Autoshop” Moritz, who unbelievably picked UConn vs Kentucky for the national championship with original picks! She even picked the proper national champion, too. That’s 3-for-3 in the Final Four games with original picks, folks. And yet, Carol also gets the What Do I Have To Do To Win This Stupid Contest? award, because she finished 2nd, a single point behind the contest winner. I would have to check the annals, but I am thinking we’ve never had this close of a finish before.
• And finally, the Gold Medal, the Blue Ribbon, the World Champion, the Lombardi Trophy, the Green Jacket, the The Grand Poobah of Prognostication award goes to this year’s champion by a single point, Michael “Shabazz Bozie” Weier. Michael spent the entire contest in the top 10, never falling lower than 7th. His exquisite picks include Mercer, Dayton (twice), Harvard, North Dakota State, and of course, UConn all the way to victory. Michael re-picked every team in his Final Four except UConn, and got them all right except Kentucky. This was nearly his undoing, but he had picked just enough upsets in the early rounds to hold off Carol and her mighty 3-for-3 in the Final Four games. Michael’s victory continues what seems to be a trend the last few years, and that is for a contest rookie to win the whole thing. Congratulations, Michael! Savor your victory!

Final Farewell

And so, minions, it is time to bid you a fond farewell. Actually, I am kind of looking forward to getting my life back! All kidding aside, this little escapade is one of the highlights of my year, and sharing it with each of you is what makes it truly special. I want to say a big thank you to everyone who entered, who sent me a email, a tweet, dropped a post or comment on the Facebook page, or just joined the fun by updating your aliases as the contest went along. That’s why I do it. That’s what makes it fun and worth it. I hope to see all of you and a few of your friends back next year for the 20th anniversary edition of the contest. I promise I will have a special twist in store for that great milestone.

Until then, may your shots be on target, your passes crisp, your dribbles smooth, and your dunks unstoppable. May the Lord bless you and keep you, and all those who you hold dear.

Warmly,

The Wizard of Whiteland

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“To his dog, every man is Napoleon; hence the constant popularity of dogs.” – Aldous Huxley

 

“In ancient times cats were worshipped as gods; they have not forgotten this.” – Terry Pratchett

Rare, But Strangely Familiar

All right, minions, this is going to be short and sweet. Sunday morning fast approaches.

You know, in a tournament where upsets seem to be the rule and not the exception, I think that the natural laws that demand equilibrium have kicked in. It is fitting, then, that the last two teams standing are not not rodents or reptiles, mythical creatures or wild west outlaws, warriors or weird weather phenomena. Phooey on all that clever mascot baloney! No, it’s a showdown between the oldest and bitterest of enemies, dogs and cats, canine versus feline. Under normal circumstances a national championship between a 7 and an 8 seed would be a shocking turn of events, but these seven and eights are not mid-major upstarts or bracket busting Cinderellas. As sports journalist J.A. Adande tweeted today, their seeds add up to 15, but their championships total 11. This isn’t exactly Hoosiers. UConn and Kentucky are storied programs from power conferences with rich histories, but they both missed last year’s tournament for a variety of reasons, none of them good. The last coaches poll taken this season had UConn at #21 and Kentucky completely unranked. So, yes, their success is something of a surprise in the context of this season, but it is hardly surprising to find Connecticut and Kentucky playing for a national championship.

See Ya L8R G8R

There was the overall #1 seed, the Florida Gators, consensus favorite to win the championship among pundits and the minions alike. They were up 16-4 nearly half way through the first half and looked well on their way to a rout. I was just about to write them off publicly on Twitter when something happened. Like Ivan Drago in whatever of the 13 Rocky movies he was in, the invincible champion got hit. “He’s not a machine. He’s a man!” And once he realized he could be hurt, he didn’t know what to do. I thought Florida’s defense would be too much for UConn, and for 9 minutes, it was. And then Kevin Ollie adjusted, Florida’s Scottie Wilbekin went from NBA lottery prospect to brick layer, and the next thing you know, the Huskies are going to the championship, and Florida is going home wondering what happened.

Nine Lives, Indeed

These Cats just will not die. They’ve won four consecutive tournament games by five points or less, the most ever in the history of March Madness. They’ve trailed in every game they’ve played. And how many back-breaking, ice-in-his-veins, game-winning shots can Aaron Harrison make in one tournament? It just hardly seems fair. Kentucky shot a lousy 66% from the foul line. Wisconsin shot a blistering 95%. Make your free throws, win the game. Miss your free throws, lose the game. That’s what I always say, but this game, like this tournament, turned conventional wisdom on its ear. Instead, the one free throw Wisconsin missed the entire game was the one point they lost by. The Wildcats were not decisively better in any statistic in the final box score, which undoubtedly explains the win by the narrowest of margins. Traevon Jackson no doubt is feeling like the goat, missing both the free throw and the potential game winning shot, which looked awfully good right up until it rolled off the rim. And because they are Kentucky, after all, I wonder if what this crew of one-and-done freshmen has accomplished will ever be truly appreciated for the spectacle that it is. Love them or hate them, the truth is, the very best games of this tournament have been the ones in which Kentucky has played. One has to wonder if they have one more miracle left in them.

Quick Awards

Just how crazy has it been this year? Only 20 of you minions picked either of the remaining two teams to win it all, and that is including the re-picks! That’s right, only 20 people can move up the standings Monday night, and some of them will score major points with the Ultimate Scategories Bonus, which will be awarded no matter who wins Monday night.  Just one point separates first and second place at the moment, but that will change Monday night.

I will, of course, save the best awards for last on Monday night after the championship, but I do have just a couple of quick shout outs for worthy minions this evening.

• The Does She or Doesn’t She? award goes to Susan “Miz Clairol” Leisure, who vaulted all the way up to 4th with UConn’s win before dropping back to 12th.  If memory serves, Susan has been picking UConn since we were in high school. Looks like that loyalty has paid off.
  
• The You Slapped Him Good award goes to Bruce “nanook slapper” Schafer, whose alias is a dig at his brother. Bruce is currently in 6th, 374 places ahead of his brother Brad “Nanook of the Midwest” Schafer, winner of the Thank You Sir, May I have another? award.
  
• The 7th Heaven award goes to my sweet Ashlyn “11yearoldballer” Little, whom you saw in my little video spot on Facebook. Ashlyn went with #7 UConn and spent a couple of glorious hours in 7th place. Good job, Asho!
  
• The You Get An Award Because I Gave Your Sister One award goes to my 16-year-old daughter, Andrea “No picks, no prom” Little, who went with Kentucky tonight and jumped up to 27th.
• The Welcome To The Top 50 award goes to 47th place contestant Valerie Riddle who may not even be paying attention anymore seeing that she has spent most of the contest below 400th. Wake up, Valerie. You just jumped over 400 places.
• The Cat’s Meow award goes to the highest ranking contestant to pick Kentucky to win the championship with an original pick, Chris Grunden. Chris will be wearing his Kentucky garb and rooting for the Wildcats to win him a place as victor in the annals of Jeff’s March Madness Contest.
• The Who Let The Dogs Out? award goes to current contest leader and UConn picker Michael Weier. A Husky victory will give Michael the coveted Jeff’s March Madness Contest gold medal.

Check back on Monday night for the final commentary and contest awards. Until then, sleep well, minions.

The Wizard of Whiteland

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