The Last Word

Killer Cats

If you watched the game, I am not sure much needs to be said.  I think I can sum it up in about three words: TOO MUCH KENTUCKY.  They looked dominant even when they were making mistakes.  I will give Kansas a bit of credit, though.  They followed the same script they followed throughout the tournament.  Go down double digits in the first half, then play ridiculous clamp down defense in the second half and win by a whisker while the opponent who lead most of the way wonders what in the world went wrong.  This was the fate of Purdue, North Carolina State, North Carolina, and Ohio State.  I think had it been anyone other than Kentucky, they would have folded like the rest.

In sports, and especially in a tournament such as this one, the best team does not always win.  That is, in fact, why we watch – why sports are so compelling.  Sometimes the best team does win, however.  The results are predictable.  The champion proves himself worthy of the title.  And thus did these Kentucky Wildcats.  Congratulations to them and to Kentucky fans the world over.  Just try not to burn down Lexington.

Final Contest Awards

We had an historic year for the contest.  For the first time ever in the contest’s 17 year history, a woman is our contest winner!  But we’ll get to that in a moment.

  • The Top Prognosticator award each year goes to the contestant or contestants who win the most games.  This year’s award goes to Sam Glassley, who was 47-16 and had the same number of wins as this year’s contest winner.  Ironically, Sam finished 74th overall, falling from 12th after tonight’s game.  Sam therefore also gets the I Hate This Stupid Scoring System award.  How can you win more games than anyone else except one person and finish 74th?
  • The I Love This Awesome Scoring System award goes to Kasiah Hand, who feel from 1st to 14th tonight, but would have won going away had Kansas won.  Kasiah was barely over .500 in terms of winning percentage, but still lead multiple times and was one game away from total victory.
  • The Participation Award goes to the contestant with the fewest wins – 17 out of 63 – Gabriel Geistwhite.  Gabriel did not finish last, however.  His final rank was 258th.
  • The Nice Girls Finish Last award goes to Rebecca “Nice Cinderella” Harper.
  • The Faded Glory award goes to former contest winner Cayden Bauschek, who finished 515th this year, proving past performance does not guarantee future results.
  • The Peyton Manning Can’t Win The Big One award goes to Sam Brauen, who led most of the contest only to fall to 20th in the final two games.  Better luck next year, Sam…and never count on Thad Matta.  Sam will receive 10 truckloads of surplus #18 Colts jerseys.
  • The Pay No Attention To The Man Behind The Curtain award goes to Andrea “daughter of the wizard” Little, who fared much, much better than her father, finishing 24th.  Andrea will receive a hug from Dad…and a 20 for the mall.
  • The Rookie of the Year award goes to Troy “I read the re-pick rules” Breidenbach.  Apparently, reading the rules helps.  Troy was the highest ranking amature, finishing 4th overall.  Troy will receive a free entry in next year’s contest.  Oh, wait…
  • The Robin, Boy Wonder award goes to Aidan “Dr. Bracketology” Gillig, the top finisher in the under 12 age group and finishing 6th overall.  Aidan will receive the keys to the Batmobile.
  • The Teen Sensation award goes to the top finisher in the teen age bracket John Peters, who finished 10th overall.  John will receive backstage passes to the next Jonas Brothers concert.
  • The Roaring Twenties award goes to Nathan “Frada Feltcher?” Inskeep who finished first among all contestants in the 20-29 age group and 8th overall.  Nathan also gets the award for most incomprehensible alias.  Nathan will receive a rare first-printing edition of The Great Gatsby.
  • The Thirty Is The New 20 award goes to contest runner-up Giuseppe “GFunk” DiIulio, who was also runner up in his decade but gets the award because the contest champion also falls in his age bracket.  I know it’s a consolation prize, but it’s better than nothing.  As such, Giuseppe will receive a free box of sporks.
  • The Casey Kasem Memorial Top 40 award goes to Russel “The Uniblocker” Jones, the top finisher in the 40’s age bracket and 3rd overall.  Russel will receive a certified copy of Frankie Valli’s greatest hits.
  • The Hang Ten award goes to the winner of the 5-0 age bracket, Don Townsend.  Don finished 18th overall and will receive a surfboard and free surfing lessons.  Trip to Hawai’i not included.
  • The Golden Girl award goes to our top senior prognosticator, Esther Wilson, who finished 17th and rose as high as 3rd.  Esther will receive an autographed picture of Maud Adams.
  • The All Aboard award goes to Jason “Goin off the” Roehl for finishing 5th overall.  Jason will receive 100 free entries in the Ozzie Osbourne colonoscopy sweepstakes (which actually exists, by the way).
  • The Lucky Seven award goes Dave “I’m ready for the madness” Brush who finished 7th overall.  I can’t think of anything clever to give to Dave.
  • The Don’t Call Me Vanessa award goes to Shawn Hudgins, our 9th place finisher.  Shawn will receive The High School Musical boxed set on blue ray.
  • The Yellow Lines and Dead Skunks award goes to Kelley Mesterharm who finished exactly in the middle of the standings at 266th.  Kelley will receive one of those really cool machines they use to paint the lines on the highway.
  • The Better Than Expected award goes to yours truly, The Wizard of Whiteland, for finishing 185th after spending most of the contest in the bottom 100.  For that, I will give myself a year off.
  • And finally, The Contest Champion, The Big Kahuna, The Queen Bee, The Grand Poo-Bah of Prognostication goes to the first ever female winner of our contest, Teri Wilson!  Teri won the contest much like Kansas won most of its tournament games.  She never led until the very end, but never strayed too far from the top.  Her lowest ranking was 39th.  She also won in rather conventional fashion.  She did not pick either of the big 15-over-2 upsets, and in fact scored a relatively meager 33 bonus points throughout the contest (the highest number of upset bonus points awarded was 72).  Instead, Teri won the old fashioned way – by winning more games than anyone else (except for the aforementioned Sam Glassley).  So congratulations, Teri.  To the victor go the spoils.  Girls rule, boys drool, I guess.

And so ends another year of March Madness and Jeff’s humble contest.  I hope that you enjoyed it as much as I did.  The contest website will remain up for you to review your final outcome and to change your alias one last time.  If anyone would like to volunteer some time to develop an iOS and/or android app for the contest for next year, send me email.  It’s time to bring the contest into the 21st century.

With that, I step once again behind the curtain for another year.

Sincerely yours,

The Wizard of Whiteland

Contest Home Page

Semifinal Madness

Awards. Just Awards.

Traditionally on this night I have provided commentary and no or only a few awards.  I’ve decided on a complete reversal this year, dispensing with the commentary and offering just awards…with some commentary mixed in, of course.

  • The Cool Cats award goes to the Kentucky Wildcats, who have won five games in a row playing some of the best basketball I’ve seen in the tournament.
  • The Express Your Self award goes to Kansas Jayhawks coach Bill Self, whose team has also won five games in a row by playing some of the worst basketball I’ve seen in the tournament.  I don’t see how this team beat Purdue, much less Ohio State.
  • The What’s A Matta U award goes to Ohio State coach Thad Matta, who once again carried on the grand tradition of Ohio State Division I sports coaches’ ability to snatch defeat right out of the jaws of victory.  Somewhere Jim Tressel is snickering.
  • The Dunkin’ Donuts award goes to the Louisville Cardinals, who might have had better luck dunking donuts than basketballs today.  Perhaps it is the presence of Anthony “The Unibrow” Davis, but I have never seen so many missed dunks and layups by a single team.
  • The Good Hands People award, sponsored by Allstate, goes to that ref in the Kentucky game who I saw palming the ball.  I’m officially impressed.
  • The Madison Avenue award goes to Powerade for best commercial of the tournament.  If you haven’t seen it, they poke fun at rival Gatorade’s offering of multiple sports drinks for multiple purposes: prepare, recharge, refuel, recover, energize, revitalize, ad nauseum.  In the ad, a basketball coach calls a timeout and listens as his players explain they poor play is due to confusion over which drink they are supposed to consume in what order.  The zinger comes at the end when one player, glistening with the signature colored perspiration from the Gatorade commercials, says, “Hey coach.  My sweat is orange!”  Classic.
  • The What Were They Thinking award goes to the NCAA Final Four committee that decided it would be a good idea to design a court elevated six feet above the arena floor and with an apron around the actual playing court just small enough to allow players attempting to save a ball to go crashing into the pep band.  Brilliant.
  • The Bend Over award, sponsored by Preparation H, goes to Ozzie Osbourne, who starred in an add for a sweepstakes in which the lucky winner gets … wait for it … a colonoscopy??!!!  Is that a joke?
  • The Boneheaded Play of the Day award goes to Kanasa Jayhawk star Tyshawn Taylor, who after making the game-sealing steal of an Ohio State inbound pass, followed it up by making the dumbest pass since Georgetown’s Fred Brown passed to North Carolina’s James Worthy, mistaking him for a teammate, in the 1982 final.  Tyshawn tried to hit a cutting teammate for the exclamation point on the victory, but instead threw it out of bounds to give the Buckeyes another chance.
  • The Keystone Cops award goes to the Ohio State Buckeyes, who after a failed attempt at a sly move by Aaron Craft, stood around completely befuddled as Kansas inbounded the ball and ran out the clock.  Hats, bats, and whistles.  That’s all they were missing.

And now for the awards going to our contestants…

  • The Brauen Out award goes to former contest leader Sam Brauen who pledged his life, his fortune, and his sacred honor to the Ohio State Buckeyes.  Hasta la vista, Sammy!
  • The What’s the Big Deal award goes to my brother, Joshua “I’m a big deal around here” Marshall who has climbed from 524th all the way to 32nd.
  • The Top 40 award goes to my beloved daughter Andrea Little who has been begging me for an award the entire contest and finally earned it.  Andrea is currently 40th.
  • The You Gotta Be Kidding Me award goes to Kristin “moving up in the world” Detamore who has risen to 5th place on the strength of going 6-0 since the Elite Eight and 13-1 since the Sweet Sixteen.
  • The Funkalicious award, sponsored by Fergie and the Black Eyed Peas, goes to Giuseppe “GFunk” DiIulio, currently in 4th place.  GFunk gets this award for having the most vowels per capita of any name in the contest.
  • The Give Her A Hand award, sponsored by Hamburger Helper, goes to contest leader Kasiah Hand, who overtook Sam Brauen by virtue of Kansas’ unlikely victory this evening.  A Kansas national championship also gives Kasiah the Ultimate Scategories Bonus of 96 points and a contest victory.

And with that, we await the national championship game that will determine not only this year’s Division I Men’s Basketball National Champion, but more importantly, this year’s champion of Jeff’s 17th Annual March Madness Contest.  Stay tuned Monday night for the final contest awards and commentary.

The Wizard of Whiteland

Contest Home Page